Need help. Can a formr

Post Reply New Topic

**Feel free to ignore the post and simply respond to the title. **

After re-reading this rambling mess, I realize that this is incredibly long and unnecessary for people to answer the title question.
I ended up writing a novel about why I'm asking this lol.

_______

I am female, 23. I was raised in an abusive, semi-sheltered, religious home. I was home schooled because my stepfather was in the army, but after my mom died, my grandma gave up trying to teach me when I was 8 (spent summers with her before I moved in with her) and my mom was too sick to keep up with academia after 2nd grade. So I am working on my GED now. All of these factors might indicate that I'm just emotionally underdeveloped, but it feels more complicated than that.

I highly suspect I might be an aspie. But I don't trust my emotions, so I fear that I'm drawing false parallels. Or that I'm just looking for something to be wrong with me?
Some insight would be really helpful since I have often read that aspies find lying pointless so they rarely do it, or feel immense guilt for it, but that females can become incredibly adept at passing as "normal."

I started to lie to my grandparents because everything I did was sinful or rebellious to them. I would be accused of lying when I told the truth. Eventually lying became a compulsive habit around them as a defense mechanism. So perhaps this is why I constantly feel like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not? I often struggle with feeling like I don't have my own identity, individuality.

I basically grew up on the internet. Google and YouTube were my teachers. I started socializing 'regularly' in person around age 16-18, but I never made any friends that felt like real friends. It always felt like I was going through the motions.
I hung out with people for the sake of feeling normal, and I lied to fit in, or adopted opinions that I secretly felt indifferent about.
I did this off and on up until last year. I always end up hermiting once I get tired of socializing.

Back to the lying thing, though. I would catfish people. Maybe I wanted to be loved? Low self esteem? It almost felt like I did it out of habit, and at some points, it felt like a game. Not even in a malicious way. I just never felt guilty for it.
I used to only lie and say I was older than I was. But it became more elaborate as I got older, since I couldn't say much about myself when there was nothing to say. So I made stuff up.
I talked to people online ALL the time. (Online gaming communities) But I'd always lie about my life or use fake pictures and it would always be grandiose, or just utterly pointless lies that made me sound "normal". At some point, it was just habitual and without motive. Like with my grandparents.

I actually enjoyed talking with people online because I was obsessed with whatever game I got hooked on for years at a time, and I longed to connect with people since I was never able to. So constantly being able to ramble about stuff I liked with people who were interested in the same things was wonderful to me. Even if I sometimes annoyed people online by being too talkative, lol.

I am prescribed adderall and I was diagnosed with ADHD because of how fidgety I am, my attention issues and incessant rambling. I was satisfied with that diagnosis until I moved in with my boyfriend in May. Living with him and 2 roommates, started my first job that wasn't remote.
Being around new people made me realize that I have (and always had, unless my memory sucks) a lot of "odd" tendencies and preferences.

I lied a lot to my boyfriend before we got together. But I connected with him so much, I couldn't lie to him anymore and slowly came clean with the various lies about myself that I thought made me seem normal. Only by his patience and willingness to forgive, I became fully open with him.

I've done a lot of drugs, but addictions to me have been like obsessions that I randomly drop...lol. I am also "hyper" no matter the substance. Even heavy doses of benzos. But ultimately, drugs were a good thing for me. Because when I started doing LSD, I had the realization that I've never felt like a real person...never really felt most of the emotions that I displayed. So nowadays, lying internally destroys me because of the anxiety that comes with feeling guilty. It made me start to finally accept myself, or lack of self I guess.

But I've never felt normal. Even before my mom died. I had a lot of social interaction with kids my own age until I was maybe 10? I liked playing alone and did so for hours, but I also had an obsession with being "a normal kid" when I was around 5-9 years old that kind of leaked into my play time. It was my reason for going outside to play with kids...cuz it felt so "normal" even though looking back, I never emotionally connected with anyone.
However, I could carry conversations with adults so well that my family recalls me to be a "gifted child".
I also started reading and comprehending 100+ page books at age 5 and I suppose my vocabulary was wide because of that, so it probably masked some of my oddities to adults. I also never shut up about things I found interesting, so I'd get in trouble for talking too much.

My imagination was and is rather...empty. I don't recall playing well with other children when it involved pretending. Because I can't imagine something there when it's not. And images in my head are vague. I can't really imagine anything vividly.

My rambling is so problematic because I either state the same thing over and over, or I just go off on tangents while taking forever to choose the right words/use too many words. Or I end up narrating my entire thought process as it comes to me. I'm super repetitive too. I ramble in text and in person, hence this unintentional biography by me.

I have trouble with talking in groups or to people I don't know because I don't find anything they're saying interesting most of the time. I wish I did...I feign interest.
There's very few things I find interesting to talk about casually with people I don't know. But I comment on literally anything and everything to my boyfriend and the one friend I talk to a lot though. Small talk with anyone I don't really have daily interaction with feels pointless, but unfortunately necessary.
Is that just narcissistic of me? Also I don't enjoy being hit on because it's an inconvenience even if it's a confidence boost. At most I feel indifferent if not uncomfortable.

I don't enjoy talking about myself to people I don't know. I mostly dislike being asked questions about myself. But I can fake it well, or so I think. People approaching me in public to speak is generally uncomfortable or disorienting.
I don't mind going out when I'm with my boyfriend because nobody speaks to me, or if they do, I stay quiet because he can talk to them instead. Otherwise, I like being at home. I'm "antisocial" but I don't hate people and I'm not shy? Nor does social anxiety seem to fully embody the type of discomfort I feel. Nowadays, it's almost like I have no energy to pretend.

I find myself struggling to look people in the eye, even though I can do it.
But I remember a few years back, I googled how to keep eye contact because looking into both of people's eyes seemed physically impossible...lol. So I trained myself to stare at people's left eye, but I do avoid it like hell in public.
IE: I dread crossing paths with someone on the sidewalk because I don't want to make eye contact with them. And if strangers smile at me I smile back. But it feels forced from both ends.
I actively try to make eye contact when I talk to acquaintances, people at work, or my boyfriend. But it ends up being awkward sometimes because I don't know when to look away, or I can't tell if they're upset with me. Or unsatisfied with my responses. Idk it's hard to explain.

Looking into my boyfriend's eyes is nice sometimes, but holding a gaze usually feels weird, so I make a funny face at him or look at our cats or something.
I misinterpret his facial expressions a lot so sometimes I think he is mad at me when he's pensive or tired. Luckily he is patient with me.

I can't tell if this is low self esteem, but I don't feel shy, and I am self conscious for a multitude of reasons, but it is mostly because of my communication issues.
It used to be a fear of being judged/low self esteem but now I don't care what people think about me if I don't know them. Yet I still find myself systematically approaching conversation because it doesn't flow naturally.
I used to feel like all of these issues were because of confidence issues and lack of social skills, but I don't really feel embarrassment about much anymore.

I've learned how to converse casually. I did well at my job, I was friendly to customers but I never spoke to my coworkers. The majority of people I interact with think I am just shy or soft-spoken, not awkward.
But internally, I have trouble figuring out how my resting face should be. Or how my facial expressions should be in conversations because people think I'm upset or that I'm not being genuine, which has caused me to be hyper aware of my expressions all the time.

I also can't keep conversation going naturally. (one-on-one. I am mostly silent in groups unless someone talks to me.)
I've learned to just ask questions in context of what people are talking about, or relate to my own experiences. Unfortunately, I relate to my own experiences so much that I probably come off as narcissistic because I just bounce subjects since I'll say one thing that reminds me of something else. I accidentally interrupt ALL the time and I hate it.

I'm a terrible listener for my friend and my boyfriend but I try extra hard for them so I don't deter the conversation when they are confiding in me. It makes me kind of sad.
I get anxious when people that aren't close to me confide in me because I never know what to say. It's not because I'm judging them either, I just don't sincerely empathize with them. It makes me feel like a sociopath because I can feign empathy so well, but it feels so uncomfortable and gross to do. I just consider it part of being polite though.

I have always been told I'm either really loud, or nobody can ever hear me. I am not aware of either one until someone points it out or I focus on controlling the volume of my voice. I talk too fast/mumble at the end of my sentences which results in being misunderstood.
I've spent a lot of time trying to fix this behavior because it annoys people and makes me anxious since I can't express myself without exhausting the recipient of my long winded rambles. But it feels impossible to control unless I put a lot of focus into not saying much.

I can recall quite a few "aspie" behaviors from my childhood, but again, I am unsure if it is due to an abusive childhood or cognitive issues.
I'm sensitive to light in general. Sunlight is unbearable without sunglasses and fluorescent lights make me really uncomfortable. I wouldn't say I have a strict routine, but I have a repetitive way of approaching a lot of things, and I am very particular. I get obsessed with things (sometimes people) for very long periods of time.

I feel like all of this is worth getting a diagnosis because of my difficulties with learning and socializing. Integrating myself into society has been hard. So I think I will pursue one in the new year.

It feels good to write all of this out. I feel like my thoughts are more organized now. Still, it's not an answer. And I know nobody can really tell me if I'm an aspie from this post. But it helped me to examine my past with an unbiased perspective.

If anyone reads this entire thing, I'd be surprised...

The problem with getting a diagnoses is that it doesn't line you up for effective treatment. And you may not have the money for you to put a name on it. If you lived in the UK you could get a free diagnoses.

You can study this forum to learn things that people on the spectrum do the make life easier. For instance, restaurants tend to be less crowded when they first open. Eat lunch at 11 and dinner at 4. Buy groceries late at night.

In the wealthy parts of the country there are now doctors who specialize in female autism. Ideally you would want one with experience in diagnosis adult females. I don't know whether you actually need a diagnoses to see a therapist who knows about adult female autism. But that is who you would want to talk to about relationships. Nobody else. But, if you are working on your GED you probably can't pay for this, unless you win the lottery. Where I live there are doctors who only take cash. They don't have time to deal with the hassle of insurance. They just want to help people.

If you have a kid with autism it is likely that you will be diagnosed together. People with autism can often trace autism through their bloodlines, but this may not be useful to you.

[EDIT: I'm trying to work on my 'people skills', and realized I completely forgot to say hello, welcome, nice to meet you, and I'm sorry to hear all the difficulties you've been through... Sorry about that!]

Here's my impression (which isn't necessarily correct):

- It sounds like you were 'gaslighted' as a kid, called a liar when you were telling the truth. This is terribly damaging, psychologically. And I can see how you came to the conclusion that the 'real' you was unacceptable, and that you had to make up a more pleasing lie, in order for other people to accept you.

- ASD has certain traits in common with narcissism - difficulty in empathizing, having trouble caring about other people's interests, talking too much, being 'lost in your own world', obsessed with your own interests, self-absorbed. The topic has come up here before, and it seems that people who worry that they're narcissists, probably aren't.

Whether your symptoms stem primarily from ASD, or abuse, is the big question here (as it is for me). But it sounds like you're making good progress, and getting assessed is definitely a good goal. Good luck with the GED as well!

I just realized that I UTTERLY butchered the title since I was posting on mobile. It was meant to be "Is it possible for a former compulsive liar to be an aspie?" lol

Thank you to the both of you that took the time to read and reply.

@Ashariel, nice to meet you too! For some reason, your reply made me tear up in a good way. Because it was empathetic and insightful. I appreciate it.

Ah, that is a useful clarification! It also makes it still the more remarkable, that you could manage such a long posting on a mobile!

I set it aside this morning, to read when I had a bit more time; some of the things I saw as I skimmed through resonated with me. I'll have a more detailed read through later.

One thing caught my attention, and puzzled me: what does the expression "I would cafish people" mean? It's not one I've come across before. Sounds like it could be a useful expression, if I only knew what it meant!

With the PTSD from being forced to lie it is possible that even someone experienced with female autism may have trouble sorting it out without seeing your relatives with similar issues. This isn't an exact science to begin with. I can't recall a similar case on this forum.