I Can Sense What People Feel Just Have Trouble Reacting

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I have noticed through most of my life if people say how they feel I just simply have trouble reacting to it if it is in conversation I tend to carry on with the conversation as if no one has said anything or if someone says I am feeling this way or that way I quickly say OK then say nothing.

Or if someone gives me a compliment I tend to just quickly say Thanks and just simply don’t give eye contact.

I can tell if someone is happy or sad and again I don’t know how to react at those times.

Do I make any sense with what I say? Is this normal?

Yes, normal. Look for threads that talk about the difference between emotional empathy and cognitive empathy.

You're more intuitive than I am. I tend to be fairly clueless about all but the most obvious forms of facial expression and body language ... and I don't understand sarcasm at all. There are times when people are being sarcastic and I totally miss this.

As a kid, a classmate once told me to go jump in a lake. Since there wasn't a lake near our school, I asked him where this lake was. I also reminded him that it would have been a violation of school rules to leave campus without permission. I also observed that I did not have a swimsuit or towel.

The kid glared at me and snapped, "Why don't you take a long walk on a short pier."

I observed that the only way to do this without falling in would be to walk back and forth on the pier. I asked if this pier was at the lake.

The kid stomped off. I knew that he was upset. I did not understand why. A friend told me that I had been insulted. I did not understand why this was an insult. We were at an American school in Thailand and it was dreadfully hot and humid ... the sort of heat that caused our clothing to become plastered with sweat and to stick to our bodies shortly after stepping outside from an A/C controlled environment.

Jumping into a cool and refreshing lake on such a hot and humid day didn't seem like an insult. It actually sounded quite nice.

(sigh)

In recent years I had a friend who was a woman (not a girlfriend) who at the outset of our friendship asked if we could just remain friends. She told me that she had been physically and emotionally abused in her last relationship and so she just wanted to be friends.

I appreciate having the parameters of our relationship clearly delineated, so I was happy to agree.

A few months later, we were watching TV when she got up and went into her bedroom. She was gone for several minutes. When she didn't return, I asked if she was okay. She called me into her bedroom and I found her lying on her back on her bed. She held her arms open, looked at me, smiled, and asked me if I knew what she was thinking.

Having watched a number of Hallmark movies, my initial thought that this might have been a romantic gesture BUT mindful of our friendship parameters, I KNEW this couldn't be romance. I subsequently observed that she was tired and needed a nap. I apologized for having intruded upon her when she was clearly tired and I left.

She subsequently broke up with me via a text message.

An NT friend observed that I had hurt h er feelings because I had rejected her.

I was annoyed over this misunderstanding because I did not reject her. If anything, I should have been credited for having stood by my word. I had agreed to be friends. Why hadn't she said that she wanted to adjust the parameters of our relationship.

My NT friend observed that she HAD via her body language ... but because I'm autistic, I just didn't see this.

(sigh)

So if you're able to understand how people are feeling, you're halfway there which is further along than I am. What I might suggest is that you come up with some standard default responses.

How should you react if a colleague is sad?

How should you react if a colleague is angry?

I've developed a number of canned responses over the years. I've learned from experience that when someone is upset, it's best to just sit and listen to them and to acknowledge their feelings by saying, "I'm sorry to hear this." I really HATE IT when people become grabby and insist upon hugging me.

When a colleague is angry, I've learned to listen and to ask how he/she feels about this. After being deluged with more information than I ever wanted to hear, I've learned by experience that a pause in this tirade is always a cue for me to ask, "So what are you going to do about it?" I hate asking this follow up question because this invariably leads to another tirade.

(sigh)

Often when my kids are have a small hurt and are lightly crying, I just stare at them. I know they are hurt but my brain doesnt kick in that I need to do something and my wife will remind me that even small hurts need me to comfort the child.

On the other hand, any major accidentally, like when my oldest ripped his face open on his scooter, when his face met the ground, I knew how to react, I quickly grabbed him, told my wife to get me a wet towel, held his face in place, drove him to the hospital and got him taken care off.