Not sure how to tell my friend

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So, I went out with a friend yesterday and her group of friends (people I barely know), and I just sat there all night being quiet. They asked me why I didn't talk and I just shrugged. I have no intention to tell a bunch of strangers that I'm autistic. My friends don't know either. If my friends ask anything I just say I have difficulties with social interaction, which is also the part of autism that I struggle with the most.

I'm wondering how I can bring up my social issues with this friend if she asks if I want to go out, without sounding like I don't enjoy her company. I do enjoy her company, but I don't care about her group of friends. I don't care about making friends with them, so there's that. In this case, it's not like I want to be friends with them but I don't know how. In this case, I just don't really care about them.

If she asks if I wanna hang out, I would like to say something that makes her understand I have social issues, without sounding rude or cold and without making it sound like I don't enjoy her company, or that I don't like her friends (I don't like them, but neurotypicals don't always understand or appreciate honesty without feeling offended).

I can't handle groups of people, in general. But it's much easier when they're all my friends and I'm still comfortable with them. Groups of strangers though? They're absolute hell. I sat at the table, quiet, uncomfortable, wanting to go home, while everyone else enjoyed their cocktails (I don't like alcohol, I barely drank some tequila, the only liquor I can handle) and talked about things I'm not even remotely interested in (either other people they know, or relationships and sex), and they also joked a lot (my sense of humor is pretty different from theirs).

In short, it was a disaster and I don't want to repeat this again, which means declining all her invitations and risking to come off as distant, cold and like I don't enjoy her company. But it's not her the problem, it's me and not being able to handle groups. I could say I'm not comfortable around people I don't know, but after all, she already knows. And she should able to understand hints like me not talking. In my experience, neurotypicals always understand hints. It should be really evident to them.

I really don't know what to do, how to talk about my needs and issues without sounding like a jerk, or even worse, snobbish (something I'm totally not). I can't say I'm autistic, because 1. It's a very intimate thing 2. People don't understand what it really is, and even if I explain, there's the risk she or other people will tell others, and I don't want that. I want to avoid any kind of attention and I want to avoid being treated like I'm less than other humans.

I don't want to find myself in awkward, uncomfortable situations like yesterday, that's all I know for now.

When she invite you go out, you can ask how much people will be there. And If you then decline her invitation, you can invite her somewhere later.

Invite her to an event or a venue that feels comfortable to you and where you doubt her friends are likely to hang out. For instance, if she's into pop music, see if she'd like to go to a chamber music concert with you. (That's merely one example.)

Maybe over time, you and she could alternate picking the activity. Presumably she has more fun when socializing with many friends, and we already know you have more fun when you don't have to socialize with her circle.

This is an area of incompatibility between the two of you. So make sure you keep up other friendships too, not depending on just this one for your social contact and self-esteem.

If your friends were mostly introverted, it would be hard for you all to do anything together. It’s really best to have a mix, in my experience.

Your situation made me think about when I used to go out with friends years ago and drink (I don’t drink anymore). We’d do a trivia night at a local nerd bar. We had a group of professional friends in very different careers, mostly neurotypical (I’m NT), and a couple of autistic guys. Sometimes the autistic guys would agree to come out and we would smash the competition. Easily win with two, and get first or second with one of them. But there were many times that neither guy wanted to put up with us. They didn’t ever say that outright, just said they were busy or didn’t feel like going that night, maybe next time. The NT people were like that too. We had a shy girl that wasn’t always there. It wasn’t a big deal.

People should get it if you say nah, not tonight.

I seriously would not say “I like you but not your friends.” That makes everything weird for your friend, and also makes you look mean.

I would not tell them you’re autistic unless you’re comfortable with it. They should be able to tell that you are at least a quiet person and accept that. If you do decide to tell them, I am a firm believer in always following an autism disclosure with your own definition of autism. It prevents a lot of misunderstandings.

That's why I say to myself sometimes, if I have friends then I did something right.

But how did I make those friends? In school over the years, and that's it. Or they were introduced to me by other friends, which is easier in my opinion.

But I rarely go out, unless it's just 1 person, or 2. Groups freak me out. In groups, I'm always left out (or I do that to myself, because I either don't know how to join the conversation or I don't want to).

Another thing that makes me feel awkward is when people ask dumb questions. That night, I was wearing a jacket, because it wasn't super hot to me. And those people kept asking me why I was wearing that, and if I was hot. I said no. I don't understand what's the problem. Yes, I know it's summer, but it's not 90 degrees outside yet, especially not at night.

But the worst part came when they asked me why I wasn't talking, cause I had no idea what to say.

I'd rather say I have social issues and that I'm quiet instead of mentioning autism, to avoid possible social stigma or things like "I know someone with autism and they're not like you"