Did people let you get away with being angry in public?

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youcameandchanged
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10 Sep 2018, 12:05 pm

youcameandchanged wrote:
youcameandchanged wrote:
It's just that the past nine years, I've changed myself for social acceptance to the point I don't know myself anymore. Maybe changing some things about myself was for the better, but my mind now takes even changing the bad parts of myself as letting other people control me.

I spent roughly 4 years being a compulsive liar. Not really in the conventional sense where I actually knew I was lying, but in the sense that I convinced myself that I was actually the person I was pretending to be. And the sad part is, it was only by lying to impress other people that I found a reason to control my anger.

"I had to make them changes, I hope you understood
You see for every bad, I did a ton of good
But you was underground, and I was mainstream
I live the life now, that we would daydream"



youcameandchanged
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10 Sep 2018, 6:17 pm

youcameandchanged wrote:
youcameandchanged wrote:
youcameandchanged wrote:
It's just that the past nine years, I've changed myself for social acceptance to the point I don't know myself anymore. Maybe changing some things about myself was for the better, but my mind now takes even changing the bad parts of myself as letting other people control me.

I spent roughly 4 years being a compulsive liar. Not really in the conventional sense where I actually knew I was lying, but in the sense that I convinced myself that I was actually the person I was pretending to be. And the sad part is, it was only by lying to impress other people that I found a reason to control my anger.

"I had to make them changes, I hope you understood
You see for every bad, I did a ton of good
But you was underground, and I was mainstream
I live the life now, that we would daydream"

From the Nicki Minaj song Dear Old Nicki. In it, she laments having changed way too much that she couldn't find her real self anymore, but she also wonders if being fake has had its benefits. References to chasing fame and money aside, I could pretty much relate to the lyrics. You know what? Even though I wish I could find my real self again, I can't help but wonder if I could have tamed certain impulses of mine were it not for learning how to be fake. I guess I just have black and white thinking. I'm pretty disillusioned that my haters may have been right in some aspects, such as that I had to control my temper and that I had to learn how to be less introverted in order to fit in. I guess I just have black and white thinking, either they were right about everything or wrong about everything.



youcameandchanged
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14 Sep 2018, 2:33 am

I would go as far as saying that I would never have had so much verbal abuse thrown at me if I didn't have such a bad temper. If I wasn't even angry at the mean words others said to me, would people really repeat them over and over again?



youcameandchanged
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14 Sep 2018, 7:28 am

graceksjp wrote:
Screaming tantrums is part of your individuality?!
I get not always wanting to bottle up your anger, lord knows I do terrible things when I try, but there are circumstances where its really in everyones best interest that you do. You can't always give in, and the more you do and get used to it, the more likely you'll slip in a moment when you actually really need to keep the peace. You do not want to be known as the person with anger management issues...that is not the way to go about your professional life. Maybe find a way to politely excuse yourself from whatever situation has you angered, and find somewhere private to release it?

Like, ideally, I'd do pretty much everything I wanted, but reality doesn't want me to do that, and reality is letting the haters win. (You see, for years, people wanted to change everything about me, including both good and bad traits. I have black and white thinking, so it's either they were right about everything or I'm right about everything.)



BookwormSophie
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15 Sep 2018, 4:44 pm

I mean I got away with it in the sense that I was never punished. My parents are very modern parents who don’t believe in spanking, grounding your child, etc. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was almost 13, I would get angry in public a lot and even before my diagnosis my parents would handle the situation as calmly as they possibly could. Although I don’t do that nearly as much anymore, it does still happen. During sensory overloads or meltdowns. My anger is channeled differently now in a way that is much less disruptive but it happens. My dad will just let it happen. He knows that it is out of my control. He probably has autism too so that makes him very empathetic and understanding. My mom means well but she’s helpless in situations like these. She can’t understand. She will try to rationalize with me and calm me down but of course it just doesn’t work.



nick007
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17 Sep 2018, 2:59 am

I mostly only had anger issues in public when around my parents. I respected or was rather afraid of authority too much to act up in public. I was bullied aLOT in elementary skewl & was in trouble a lot due to the bullies ganging up & lying. I had anger issues with my parents cuz I was burnt out from skewl & related stress & needed my off time to wind down. They were times I got fussed & punished & other times they kind of just let me calm down on my own.


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graceksjp
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17 Sep 2018, 6:36 pm

nick007 wrote:
I mostly only had anger issues in public when around my parents. I respected or was rather afraid of authority too much to act up in public. I was bullied aLOT in elementary skewl & was in trouble a lot due to the bullies ganging up & lying. I had anger issues with my parents cuz I was burnt out from skewl & related stress & needed my off time to wind down. They were times I got fussed & punished & other times they kind of just let me calm down on my own.


Saaame dude. My mom was always like "You wouldnt act like this with your teacher!" Ive always had like maaaajor respect for my teachers and coaches and stuff.


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youcameandchanged
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28 Sep 2018, 8:18 am

youcameandchanged wrote:
graceksjp wrote:
Screaming tantrums is part of your individuality?!
I get not always wanting to bottle up your anger, lord knows I do terrible things when I try, but there are circumstances where its really in everyones best interest that you do. You can't always give in, and the more you do and get used to it, the more likely you'll slip in a moment when you actually really need to keep the peace. You do not want to be known as the person with anger management issues...that is not the way to go about your professional life. Maybe find a way to politely excuse yourself from whatever situation has you angered, and find somewhere private to release it?

Like, ideally, I'd do pretty much everything I wanted, but reality doesn't want me to do that, and reality is letting the haters win. (You see, for years, people wanted to change everything about me, including both good and bad traits. I have black and white thinking, so it's either they were right about everything or I'm right about everything.)

I'm gonna put this here because using this topic makes for a good segue for what I'm about to say. Looking back, my anger at being bullied was because of me realizing that many facts I took for granted in childhood were not real. I was almost gonna say my anger wasn't actually about being told I was worthless, but to an extent, it was. But that was secondary. I had a high self-esteem before all my traumas happened, and for years before them, people did try to lower my self-esteem, but the most they could do was annoy me. Also, it was a breaking point when I heard two occupational therapists blabbering about whether I was an Aspie. Looking back, because I was still speaking a different language at the time, they probably assumed there was a language barrier when there wasn't. I thought to myself, "If trained professionals turned out to be right about me being a weirdo spastic, and it's not just silly teen gossip, what else are my classmates right about?" I spent my childhood having a Daria-esque attitude of not fitting in and not caring, but it turns out there were still reasons for me to care. Also, I believe that even if I weren't bullied, I'd still notice the things which I took for granted in childhood not being real, and that would still have traumatized me.



shortfatbalduglyman
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28 Sep 2018, 8:32 am

Anger is an emotion, not a catastrophe or even an event

There is nothing to "get away with"

What gets on my nerves, is how precious lil "people" sometimes purposely provoke me into anger

And then they say "you got mad"

Instead of " I disrespected you"

Riffraff are so inarticulate

Whatever they do not like, they label as "disrespect"

When someone says "what?" To me, instead of "excuse me", that is calloused curt and abrupt. "disrespect" is the wrong word, but :evil: precision of language :twisted: is not necessary, because they don't use it either



youcameandchanged
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04 Oct 2018, 7:51 am

youcameandchanged wrote:
youcameandchanged wrote:
It's just that the past nine years, I've changed myself for social acceptance to the point I don't know myself anymore. Maybe changing some things about myself was for the better, but my mind now takes even changing the bad parts of myself as letting other people control me.

I spent roughly 4 years being a compulsive liar. Not really in the conventional sense where I actually knew I was lying, but in the sense that I convinced myself that I was actually the person I was pretending to be. And the sad part is, it was only by lying to impress other people that I found a reason to control my anger.

Personally, I wonder about what kind of person I would possibly have turned into if I did not care about what others said. Would I even have found a reason to control my temper if I did not pretend to be anybody else or even more, flat out did not care about what others said? "I had to make them changes, I hoped you understood
You see for every bad, I did a ton of good
But you was underground, and I was mainstream"



youcameandchanged
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29 Oct 2018, 6:05 am

youcameandchanged wrote:
youcameandchanged wrote:
God, if you are gonna make someone feel normal as a kid, without actually making them normal, you're probably better off murdering them before they get too old and realize otherwise. Image

I'm reminded of a Quora question I made when I was in a foul mood. I edited it into gibberish because I was BNBR'd. Fair enough, some grieving parent could easily have seen it. It went like, "Do you believe that child murderers did their victims a favor by not letting them grow old and angsty?" (Couldn't you tell from my rants I had a childhood which made me feel normal, but afterwards had a life which made me abnormal?)

Admittedly, I still think that on some level. But I only think like that because I lived in a thicker-than-average bubble. However, I don't blame anybody for that. (I mean, I could see how some people's actions led me to this, but I don't blame them in the sense that I don't hate them for sheltering me or anything.) After all, if you're gonna raise somebody in a posh manner in a poor country, of course you're gonna shelter them more than average.



youcameandchanged
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29 Oct 2018, 6:55 am

BTW, I'm tempted to go ask that question again, but on Yahoo! Answers instead of Quora. I'm not gonna though, even though when I'm angry, because my thought process when I go ask edgy questions online is that I'm angry and am subconsciously looking for pearl-clutching answers, and I don't want the consequences of that.



jamthis12
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29 Oct 2018, 7:42 am

I had regular public meltdowns from about age 8 to 14 or so. People mostly did put up with it. I had regular meltdowns at home till about 16. Even nowadays, I'll still occasionally have them. But shutdowns are a lot more common. From what I've been told by friends, apparently I did try to control it, at least a little bit. After a while, I learned to at least not have them in public, so I don't know if being smacked would've helped. I highly doubt it though.


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30 Oct 2018, 6:18 am

Growing up if I ever got angry in public my dad would immediately take us home to beat the hell'n'Jesus out of me for it. But that sort of negative reinforcement never carried into adulthood like he intended. The meltdowns continued even to this day at 43 years of age. And as a result I've lost my job more than a dozen times due to acting out and getting fired.

Alas, when someone who suffers from Autism experiences a meltdown, NTs only see a misbehaving person acting like a child. They will never see past that unfortunately.


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youcameandchanged
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31 Oct 2018, 5:46 pm

Ugh, there was this one story about some woman who beat up a little boy at Halloween and she was like, "I was just letting out some anger." I'm disturbed because it reminds me of something I could possibly have become if I didn't care about what other people said and I never learned to control my anger. Maybe caring about what others said has had its advantages. (That's why I posted that one passage from a Nicki Minaj song where she wonders if being fake has had its advantages.)