[ POLL ] What Is Your Meaning Of "Support"?

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That's one way of looking at it. Those types of people are as much of a burden as the people they are allegedly trying to help.

It is hard to know in advance if the person you're trying to help is actually looking for help or just looking for affirmation and attention. It's even harder to know in advance if the person is going to lash out at anyone who tries to help.

Best to treat each one like a loaded firearm and stay well out of their range.

One of mine was other-
I was thinking offline.
The person is willing to be there for you as in going through an experience with you while not tearing you up.

Something I just saw on Facebook, I assume from an NT:

For people in pain/sad, ask: "Do you want to talk about it, or be distracted from it?"

For people who are angry/upset about a problem, ask: "Do you just want to vent, or would you like advice as well?"

That's the paraphrase as best I could remember it. I thought that was a very good idea - instead of picking on comfort strategy that seems most typical and using it all the time, maybe it is better to ask the person what is most helpful to them.

They would probably appreciate it, just like I appreciate it when someone asks if I'd like a hug instead of just assuming I would.

Now, all I need is a consistently reliable method of discerning the differences between the two groups of people...

Perhaps a Hybrid approach? Or just ask first? It sounds too obvious, but I have been having good luck just asking lately.

Okay...

HE: "WAAAAHH! Nobody likes me! They're all doo-doo heads! WAAAAHH!"
ME: "What do you want me to do about it?"

Got it!

At least it tells YOU what kind of person you are dealing with...and you can choose to engage or disengage from the discussion at that point.

I have occasionally asked an OP "what are you looking for here?" Because it's not at all obvious ... they may post a paragraph about a problem or an incident, and then give no clue at all what they want. Sometimes they will add "What do you think?" which is vague, but at least invites a reply. Other times, they will say "how do you handle this?" or "this just leaves me feeling so sad" which, again, suggests a direction.

More and more, if there is no direction at all suggested, I just don't bother to reply. I'm at a point in life where I have to pick my battles carefully.

I'm including "Telling to me your own similar personal experiences." under "Filling me in on all of the relevant facts of my problems."

You sound like you want people to actually improve their lives not just accept how miserable they are.

My brother had a similar experience with therapy. All they did was prescribed med that didn't solve his problems it just made him not care about them.

I feel I have the same conversation every time I talk about sexual assault.

I'm betting it's Dylan Hunt Syndrome. You're looking for the opportunity to help others move on from being victims to being survivors? I know that's why I keep trying to join CSA support forums and get banned.

Being my training is as a librarian, depending on the situation, I’d try to gain agreement on your issue(s) (as it was called when I worked as a support agent for Apple Computer. In reference desk training in graduate school, it’s called negotiating the question. To put it simply, it’s a technique to figure out what the client wants and needs, and direct them to the appropriate sources (to quote the Indian librarian Ranganathan, “Every book its reader, and every reader, their book.”) Once I figure out what the client’s needs are, I can direct the client to the appropriate sources. With very few exceptions (such as a person threatening harm to themselves or others or criminal activity), my job ends once I direct them to what information they need.

Of course, there are essentially 3 types of information needs: directional (where’s the nearest toilet?, How do I get to City Hall?), quick Reference (Who’s my Representative in Congress?) and research (which is where you have to use the techniques I described above).

And yes, the next question that gets asked is “What if I, the librarian doesn’t have the foggiest idea what the client wants specifically, but you sorta have an idea what the client wants. In a case like that, i’ll Tell the client I don’t know the answer, but I’ll call someone who might, and ask for their advice. Once I have that information, i’ll Refer the client to that individual for further assistance.

Never give up on a person. Acknowledge the very real problems and issues and work on them.

Don't pretend a problem doesn't exist because a person is intelligent and high-functioning.

A good support system for me has always been my pets. They were a real source of comfort to me.

Help someone discover a passion.

Never call someone names such as "idiot," "stupid" and "dumb."

THink out side the box and come up with a method that doesn't require you to know the difference:"Do you want to just vent, be distracted from it, or would you like advice as well?"

"You can't sell the solution until you've sold the problem."

The one helping isn't the one that has to acknowledge the problem, it's the one that has the problem that needs to acknowledge they have one.


Say someone's an idiot is only name calling if you don't think they are literally an idiot .
If you refuse to call an idiot an idiot you're just denying the problem. And no, you should not use other words to call them idiots. It's not how you're saying it, it's what you're saying that is offensive. and as Mr. Rogers said: "When those things that we care about so deeply become endangered, we become enraged. And what a healthy thing that is! Without it, we would never stand up and speak out for what we believe."