How on earth do you cope?

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I apologize in advance for being too lackadaisical to see if any similar threads are present....but anyway. How. Does. One. Cope? I'm not talking about coping with autism or mere existence. That's the fun part of life....harnessing your gift. I'm asking, what is a productive way to cope when things get too real in your life? Too much stress. Too much drama. Yelling. Screaming. And death threats bouncing off the walls at all speeds and all intervals. How do you cope when the S hits the F? When your last hope is yourself?

In other words, how do you cope when you feel so uncomfortable and uncertain with your safety that you find yourself curling into a ball, getting poised to rock back and forth which you know will do nothing except incite the other person who's yelling and making outlandish remarks about the futility of life?

And if you still don't understand what I'm getting at....HOW does one cope, productively, or at least non-destructively, when you are put into a position that no one should ever find themselves in? A philisophical turmoil if you will. Do I even make sense? (probably not, as usual, oh well....sigh.)

I don't see this as a philosophical question, really. Years ago I was in a relationship where I was yelled and screamed at, had my nose broken, had my scalp deeply slashed open with a heavy (old-fashioned) phone's wall-hanger, had the barrel of a loaded rifle rammed in between my eyes hard enough to leave a big circular scar, had bruises on my ribs that went beyond red and purple to the point they were a dark shade of green... I stayed in that relationship for over 8 years, not realizing I could function outside of it, until I finally went through with a divorce, during which I got hugely taken advantage of financially. There was a lot of verbal abuse and belittling to go along with the violence. It never quite progressed to the point of 'death threats bouncing off the walls'. Looking back, decades later, I can hardly believe I stayed in that situation. The things you're describing, like the things I went through, are not OK - when our safety or our life is threatened, the appropriate course of action is to leave, get support or help, and ensure that the situation does not recur. When we're in the middle of violence with a person we're familiar or intimate with, there's a tendency to minimize or discount the severity of it, or to 'think of the good times' - I certainly did that. The reality is that threats of violence and death threats often progress to the real thing in the real world.

Just personally, I'm not in any such situation any more. I cope by talking to my sister (who's also autistic) or talking to people from my church, talking with my counselor, or on a daily basis taking care of my cats, holding them on my lap, playing with them, and the like.

betty_f, you should not cope with all that stuff, including death threats. It's one thing to "cope" with an indifferent spouse or a crying baby or a job you don't love. It's another thing entirely to deal with death threats, yelling and physical violence.

Please let us know what your situation is that keeps you there. You need to get out. After that, we can talk about coping. First, you have to survive.

Betty

You must do something about the death threats

Please do not try to "cope" with death threats

Avoid whoever is making them

Change situation

Restraining order

Yes there is something wrong with everything. But you have to do something


Exactly what I do not know because I don't know your situation and I am not wise or even functional


But seriously you need to do something about the death threats

Every time my home life gets this bad, I get in my car & go anywhere else.

Well I don't think I will cope on Mars.

What are you talking about?

Who is giving you "death threats"?

Strangers? Or folks you know?

Are they literal death threats?

Is it your autism that causes you to inadvertently rub folks the wrong way?

What is going on?

Except for one friend, I limit my human contact to an average of an hour per day. My car is fully equipped for basic camping, so I can escape noisy events in the neighbourhood.

I am not sure how "death threats" entered this thread, perhaps an earlier thread. But if that is part of the problem, it must be dealt with immediately and decisively. The way to deal with this is always report death threats to authorities (such as the police) immediately. Get it on record. The fact that there is a written record of the incident will defer the villain from following through on his/her threat. They will keep their distance and watch what they say in the future. This is one of life's lesson. Don't think about this, just do it.

I took a death threat to the Police, and they were happy to keep a copy, but I was totally devastated when they refused to record the details of how to find my isolated residence, which would take a long time to convey on a 911 call. Now, I avoid the Police unless I have the backing of a government official or health care worker to remind them I am human. The last time I tried, I needed a security check for a job and they "lost the paperwork." They do "serve and protect," but only for certain people.

Oh my goodness. I am not good at forums. I am also not good at being straight forward. I like to be as ambiguous as I can so I can get the most unbiased advice. I appreciate everyone's advice, but I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm in a bad relationship! That's the only thing I've got going for me these days!
What I was asking was how do you cope with other aspies when they're having tantrums? I have a really good friend who's going through a lot and probably wouldn't appreciate it if I were to talk to strangers about them. i could not articulate this at the time because she was there, and I didn't want her to see my post accidentally, calling her out for being an aspie because she doesn't like being labled. I know I have tantrums, and I cannot imagine how other people around me feel, but when someone else has a tantrum, it REALLY makes an impact on me. I wanted to know how to everyone else deals with these things.

Indeed, the OP did not really explain it was about coping with meltdowns of an autistic adult

As a small girl, I learned it interacting with my I-believe-Aspie uncle: don't respond. At this moment, any emotional response, except maybe a hug in some cases, makes it worse. But if you quietly wait for just a few seconds, showing only signs of acceptance, it will be over soon and you will hear an apology. All the adults we were living with couldn't get it for some reason and engaged in awful fights with him.
When I met my now-husband, I found him quite similar to my uncle, including agression issues. I decided, I'm not afraid, I know how to deal with it. Indeed - despite his tendency to agressive meltdowns, he never ever attacked me. I just know he doesn't want to, it's about his emotions being too much for him. I do my best to give space for those emotions and the results are quite good.

My daughter sometimes has an autistic meltdown around me. I have at times suggested she leave my home (where she was visiting). The other day she had one in a medical waiting room and I asked her not to swear there. This made her madder, but by the time the appointment was over she was calm and apologized for her behavior.

I have told her, "I was not put on this earth to be a verbal punching bag for you and your brother."

In short, if she is merely upset or even raising her voice, I don't react. But if I personally am targeted or embarrassed by her behavior in a public place, I calmly let her know my limits.

I give her a lot of rides but if she starts going off on me while I am driving, I let her know this is not okay.

I can't say I cope the "right" way but I do what I can to protect myself and keep out of the line of fire. I know that she wants me to interact more positively with her emotional needs (like telling me I'm not treating her panic attack the right way) but again, I don't feel that's my job - I feel that's her job. (She's 31.)

I give space to my bf when he's angry because I know that's how he works, he needs to cool down, but when it's a girl, I feel they don't want to be left alone because maybe I wouldn't want to be left alone if I was feeling unsafe. So I want to do something, but I can't. I feel a bit too much. I am easily traumatized by catastrophic events. I'm really hurt when I experience two people in the room having an intense argument. I'm really bad in these situations.

There is one, very, very important general rule:
Emotional problems of other adults are never your responsibility.
And another rule:
Your safety first. Including your mental safety.

Ask her, outside of a meltdown, if she thinks a hug could help her.

"Death threats" entered the thread because the original poster mentioned death threats in the original post that started the thread.