Being disliked hurts

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These sorts of things happen to many kids.

I once had a teacher throw an encyclopedia-sized book at me in Sophomore Year. by Senior Year, she grew to like and respect me.

You shouldn't give up entirely but you should recognise the constraints placed on your capacity to do so at this point in time, given your circumstances.

If the "hip-hoppers" on welfare can get girlfriends despite their views and situation then there must be something about them that makes them more appealing to women than you. Could be that they're more physically attractive, in better health, more confident, have better social skills, that they have a "bad boy" appeal, or are more easily able to find people who hold similar values.

Individuality isn't the issue here, but when it comes to whether you can or can't get a girlfriend the way you are currently, the empirical evidence gathered over the last 10 years would suggest that you can't, which is why the only logical pathway to results is changing aspects about yourself that might be putting women off. And no, that doesn't mean compromising your individuality, unless you consider being at an unhealthy weight, being dependent on your parents, or being underemployed to support yourself independently to be part of your individuality.


I don't think anyone here wants for you to never get a girlfriend and suffer. They'd prefer that you address barriers that stand in the way of you getting a girlfriend, but you don't seem receptive to the idea that you will necessarily need to change certain dysfunctional aspects of your life in order to improve your likelihood of finding a partner.

Furthermore, even if someone was to say that you're too messed up to find a partner, what they say doesn't matter. It doesn't make any difference to whether or not you find a partner whatsoever. What will make all the difference is what you choose to do and not do, and the sacrifices and time and effort investments you're willing to make in pursuit of a partner.

Amother thing I think you should acknowledge is that you seem to frequently take the most uncharitable interpretations of people's comments, sometimes to the point that it is outright unreasonable to interpret them that way. You then run with those interpretations, and get very defensive. To me, it seems like you might have something of a persecution complex. I'd imagine you've been bullied and talked down to a lot in your life, and that combined with Asperger's social skill deficits might lead to you being quick to perceive criticism and hostility where no such intent exists. It certainly seems to me that you have an overactive amygdala, probably as a result of what I said in my last sentence. Maybe this sort of thing would be good to talk with your therapist about. The way you brand people "detractors" because they advise you in a way you interpret as unsavory reeks of a persecution complex. Most of us here, if not all of us, even those who get impatient and frustrated with you do not wish harm on you, and would prefer that you succeeded. Even people you've had issues with like Fnord (feel free to confirm or deny, Fnord) wish you well, and only say what they do because they see your current trajectory isn't going to lead to what you want, and yet you stubbornly cling to it. It would be cruel for us to tell you that you don't need to change a thing and a girlfriend will fall into your lap because that is very unlikely considering your circumstances.

hardy ha f*****g ha , this is like game for you two. Lets f**k with the derpressed guy , he won't be able to defend himself.

Makes me f*****g puke

None of my jobs have lasted lasted more than four years due to layoffs and businesses going out of business. To work in a place for more than a decade for more than a decade is pretty damn impressive these days. Can't he at least be proud of that? I guess not.

Depending on many factors, but most specifically the home situation, different children will factor in this kind of experience differently, because one thing (situation) to the inner self of the child represents something else. In fact a child will even try to create the same kind of difficult situation outside the home that he is struggling with at home, as he is caught in a repetitive circle of trying to recreate the same situation so that he can so-called free himself from it. Cept it doesn't really work this way but just turns into a vicious circle. Sad.

To the Op, sounds like you are caught up in negative thinking. To change that pattern takes an observation/acknowledgement of it to oneself, then a dedication to process data in a new way, and this does takes work, speaking from very personal experience, but it is worth it.

Get over yourself.

Bea if I had my way , you'd be on a holiday to get over yourself

Is that like a formal warning? I need to know.

Speaking to you as a forum participant: you're getting too big for your britches.
Speaking to you as a moderator: Yes, sir.

To SaveFerris and all concerned: SaveFerris, I may disagree with some of your idea content, but I want to applaud and encourage you (and/or whomever) for not shutting down this particular thread. (This said, I did not read the whole thing.) Or maybe you want to and do not have the ability as an individual moderator to do so. In any case, imo, and actually am pretty certain, a lot of very smart, even intelligent people, have left this forum due to over-excessive moderation. which has by my estimation on some level affected the general quality of the ongoing communications. Maybe there is something of value to be learned here on this thread.. I do not know if you see it this way, but I hope I do not get in trouble for saying this, but thank you for using the (modified) f word Twill hurt no one.

Re your comment above, regarding this being like a game to some participants, you have opened the door to the mention and hopefully better understanding of a very difficult, sensitive and topic but imo extremely important topic,, especially here on WP where so many people are deeply suffering:

To the group in general, there is something called a yes-but game which I have written about a couple of times before. Am not saying this is even happening here, but it is a possible situation to be cognizant of and at least look out for in this kind of discussion. Someone asks for help, but no matter what you do or say to try to offer a solution, the suffering person you are trying to help will reject it, by in effect saying, "yes, but." The function of such a game is to avoid intimacy by structuring or patterning human interactions on a superficial level, so sort of a form of busy-making that creates the appearance/illusion of have control, but on a subtle level is a game, as no real solutions to the problem can occur from this kind of interaction and the unconscious intention is to avoid intimacy by expressing hostility. It is not a win/win situation, but rather a one-up situation, as eventually the people trying to help a person whose intention (on an unconscious level, presumably) is to never get help but rather to superficially structure a situation, turn on the so called victim and start persecuting him. This is actually on an unconscious level the aim of the game, as then the victim, by recreating the same situation he is stuck in, wins. Over-simplified, perhaps, as I am in a hurry, but this is it in a nutshell. You can google yes-but game and also the karpman triangle if you are interested in this subject. Again, op, am not sayhing this applies to you, though it does look like a duck.

This said, every pancake has two sides, and all people playing are in some way complicit.

I can't give formal warnings, relax.

pmsl I'm getting too big for my britches

Is that because I'm calling you out on your harassment.

No game, and I'm not "messing with the depressed guy" either. I'm seriously wondering why only Bea and I are being harassed for our opinions when Luhluhluh is expressing the same opinions as all of the other "detractors" and getting away with it. Can you explain this, please?

But Fnord darling , you are messing with him. You just seem unable to grasp the fact. I don't know any other way to put it , words fail me.

It's painful enough to be bullied by the other kids. It's even worse when the teachers join in and even put the blame on you for "asking for it".

How does a helpless, physically clumsy, and socially awkward child "ask" to be bullied?

In this, I can empathize with the OP.

I am not your "darling", and I am not "messing" with him. He has problems. I tried to advise him from my own personal experiences with the same problems. I tried to get him to understand that he has to be the one to take action. He rejected me as a "detractor" and accused me of not wanting him to improve. I'm now trying to support the others who try to advise him as well.

If you will not see that, then I regret encouraging you to return.

edited to add: am getting confused about who I am writing to as two people's names begin with F and I have brain damage so sometimes a difficulty with processing such complexities esp when two people are talking so much and so many short messages. But I think it is still possible to get the basic gist of what I am saying.

Moi? First of all, the one originating a yes-but game, if it is such a game, would be the person asking for help, and then other people participating would on some level be complicit. In the beginning they are innocent in a way because they are genuinely dedicated to helping the one who is asking for help, as there is no way to realize it's a game until they see all of the yes-but responses. Imo, and this could be wrong, as I'm not an expert on this subject, at the moment they turn on the initiator of the yes-but interactions and start persecuting him, then they are on some level complicit. It would break the toxic pattern either to walk away or to try to inquire into what is in actuality happening.

Imo, and again, just my opinion, from what I've read, which is not the entire thread, your participation in particular is basically turning an inquiry for help, whether 100% sincere or not, but on some level surely genuine, into a cheap chat room, in that over emotional reaction can really derail any possibility for actual problem solving, and also you are doing a form of enabling which I do not believe is becoming behavior for anyone, but is especially problematic for someone in the position of moderator.

All of this said, there are so many messages on here it is difficult to follow what is happening. Sad.

Last edited by littlebee on 17 May 2019, 1:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.