Should I Apologize?

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Thank you Rexi, I have been struggling with this for years. He is a pathetic little bully of a man. I am tired of protecting and covering his big fat ass. Narcissism sounds right, especially the rage when they get blocked and all of the Emma Bovary behaviors.

A dear friend keeps telling me that he is family and we must reconcile. So, I tried to reach out and got nasty surprise for my effort. This is a painful experience for me, emotions are not my forte, and he is trying to inflict pain on me. Which makes him a sadistic little sh*t.

I will tell you a story. My elderly father tried to commit suicide. In the emergency room, my father did not recognize my brother. So, my brother pretend to be a random visitor with an exaggerated resume of accomplishments. I wanted to throw up. After he stepped out, I told my father that my brother was to arrive shortly and I made sure to tell my father that his first son was walking in the room.

My brother keeps asking for advice so he can use it against me if there are any problems. Should I see my dying father in the hospital? Should I buy a cabin? Should I throw a birthday party for our Aunt? The list goes on and on.

Processing all of this stuff is wearing me out. Thank you Rexi, I feel for your pain, having a narcissistic mother. That must be really tough.

Hope you manage to feel better soon and have a beautiful recovery from the events.

My experience is that the ones who also state that sort of thing [that hes family and you owe him something for it] are narcissists themselves or people who had it ingrained from their spoopy family.

That's odd, my mom upgraded to asking me advice on anything just to contradict me now, and when I ask her why she does it, she either says she wants to just see what i would say and doesnt care about my point of view [which is a bit of a chilly weird thing to say], dodges the question or puts the blame on me. It's aberrant

Rexi, Thank you, your advice and kind words have been a big help. I was blaming myself for the problem, when it was narcissistic rage from his loss of status. Now, I can go forward and figure out what to do next. He needs to be contained from causing more trouble and I do not have a good plan.

Our experience about being asked for advice is similar. You explained it better than I did.

To put it simply, the jackass was gaslighting me and I fell for it.

Thank you again

The answer to your predicament is quite simple: cut all ties with him. Block his phone number, block his email, refuse to acknowledge anything he says or does. Let it be known that if he even tries to contact you, you will prefer criminal harassment charges against him. Let him know, that as far as you’re concerned, he no longer exists. I’ve had to do it with my own brothers, as well as most of my relatives.

Thank you for all the helpful advice. I have very few people to help me with this problem. Bringing this to the attention of other family members is not advisable at the moment. My brother has a terrible temper and provoking him is counter productive.

To summarize, for the past 2 months, my brother refuses to speak to me in private and gives me the cold shoulder in public. The state reason for this behavior is because I did not tell him about being invited to my Aunt's birthday party. The unstated reason is that he is jealous and angry that my Aunt favored me.

Everyone seems to be in agreement that his reaction was excessive and bizarre. A good description is narcissistic rage. The emotional assault, since I was blaming myself, has been difficult, depression, weight loss, sleep loss, stomach problems. Admitting to these painful reactions would give him power over me. So, I bear it in quiet. He has done this to me before and I will not let it happen again. When my parents were alive, I felt obligated to them to retain my relationship. They are gone and I owe him nothing. Writing these words makes me feel better.

I am the injured party and must stop blaming myself.

^
I understand it's more difficult with a family member but have you considered going "no contact"?

This explains how to do it and what to expect (it's mostly geared around partners, but the principle is pretty much the same)

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/02/this-is-what-it-really-means-to-go-no-contact-with-an-abusive-narcissist/

https://psychologia.co/narcissist-no-contact/

And this actually describes very accurately what it feels like to get someone toxic out of your life
https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2018/01/what-to-expect-after-leaving-your-narcissist-and-going-no-contact/

BenderRodriguez, thank you, I will try a simple version of no contact, family events will be a problem. He has already started a no contact on me, so half the job is done. The forever part is difficult.

The link are a big help, thank you

Well, that sounds like a good start - you can make up your mind later about the "forever" part. Keep us posted and don't hesitate to use this thread when you feel down or you need emotional support

Last edited by BenderRodriguez on 24 Jul 2019, 2:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I am grateful

You might be surprised how many of us here have been through similar situations. And btw, be careful, if he's a narcissist, even if he's ignoring you right now he won't like it when you shut him out. Stay strong.

First step, restricted, unfollowed on facebook.
Second step, removed as beneficiary from IRA accounts.

I must change all my estate documents and emergency contact information, that will take some time to figure out.

Notifying the rest of the family of my "No Contact" decision needs some thought.

Small steps first.

Your brother is manipulating you and playing social power play games. If it were me, I would just say that. I would literally say, "Just stop with the manipulating and power plays, it's getting old and I won't tolerate it anymore." If you call him out on exactly what he is doing he might stop. If not, just cut contact with him. Unfortunately I had to cut contact with one of my relatives for the exact same reason. It was a difficult decision to make but I could not longer sustain the stress of trying to maintain that relationship. He is causing your relationship to be toxic and stressful. It just needs to stop even if you have to cut him off until he changes. When you are at family gatherings together, just ignore him and try to enjoy the people that you enjoy.

Skibum, thank you for the excellent advice. I am sorry to hear that you had a similar problem. This was a disaster waiting to happen and I fell into a dark hole. I stopped blaming myself and now I am going to put a stop to all of his crap.

I will cut him off, change my estate documents and ignore him.

Yes. That is exactly what you need to do. It is always emotionally difficult but it is so necessary. People who do what he does are extremely insecure in who they are and it makes them feel better to manipulate others. But it is only when you take extreme measures that you are able to protect yourself and hopefully the tough love will help them change as well. You have to have the courage to have the tough love but it will pay off in the end. It will spare you the damage from the stress and hopefully it will give him a chance to see what he is doing to others. And I am so glad that you can stop blaming yourself. That is sometimes very difficult to do as well but you are not at fault at all. I send you lots of courage and good thoughts to get through this.

Well they didn't invite him, so kind of weird he's mad at you for getting an invitation. If anything it seems it would make more sense to be angry about not being invited at the people who didn't invite him. I mean you literally didn't do anything aside go to an event you were invited to. I mean what exactly would you be apologizing for?


That said though, I am curious what exactly you mean by understanding his place in the family.

First, Skibum, your kind words are greatly appreciated.

Sweetleaf, Knowing his place means that he believes he has authority and respect to interfere with others. At work, there is always the fool who criticizes the decisions of others and pretends that they know best. It is similar, he is a small minded person who does not listen or respect the expertise of others. My Aunt is very rich, successful and well connected. His anger has no effect on her and she would throw him under a bus in a second. I was an easy target.

Apologize for not telling him that I was invited? Absolute rubbish.