Page 1 of 2 [ 28 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

chris1989
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Aug 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,087
Location: Kent, UK

19 Jun 2019, 7:13 am

Or is it their fault that they don't bother to approach me and say Hi and interact with me ?



Wolfram87
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Feb 2015
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,976
Location: Sweden

19 Jun 2019, 7:15 am

I'm not sure "fault" is really the right word, but other people are not obligated to interact with you anymore tha you are with them. It's a voluntary action on both sides.


_________________
I'm bored out of my skull, let's play a different game. Let's pay a visit down below and cast the world in flame.


peterd
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Dec 2006
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,347

19 Jun 2019, 7:21 am

There’s fault on both sides. NTs though have the numbers. We just have the disability that triggers their response.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 67
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,841
Location: Stendec

19 Jun 2019, 8:11 am

chris1989 wrote:
Is it my fault I have less friends, or is it their fault that they don't bother to approach me and say Hi and interact with me?
If others see no reason to approach you, then they will not approach you -- this is not their fault, by the way. To gain their interest, you must first be interesting to them. To attract them, you must first be attractive to them. Maybe you could do more for yourself than just sit around waiting for other people to come to you.


_________________
 
No love for Hamas, Hezbollah, Iranian Leadership, Islamic Jihad, other Islamic terrorist groups, OR their supporters and sympathizers.


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

19 Jun 2019, 8:13 am

Quality is much more than quantity when it comes to friends.



Mayel
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 493

19 Jun 2019, 8:21 am

I don't think it is a fault.
It's more about asking yourself questions like do I want more friends? Why? Am I ok with the friends I have?

Let's say you come to the conclusion you want to build another friendship. You will need to learn and apply the skills needed for this but because you want to (and not because you feel obliged) and even then, you can't force anybody to be your friend. You just accept the social contacts you are trying to build, their pace and everything and maybe you will find a new friend. Maybe it takes a lot of time, who knows.

But as someone else wrote, it's about quality more than quantity.


_________________
Knowing / that I could walk seventeen miles through a ravine / in the heart of Toronto,
and never / directly see the city/ is of some comfort


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

19 Jun 2019, 8:24 am

Listen to other people.

And don’t monologue.

I used to be a great monologuer, and didnt bother to listen to others. I made very few friends that way.

Also: don’t express that you have faults early on. People absolutely dislike being around other people who like to harp on their faults. Self-deprecating humor, even, is not so good early on.



BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,120

19 Jun 2019, 8:45 am

I don't see it as productive trying to assign blame. What is wrong with them assuming that you aren't interested in being friends and leaving you alone? People can't read minds.



shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,742

19 Jun 2019, 8:50 am

Nobody "fault"

Nobody has to approach anyone


Having said that, what is so great about saying "hi"?

:mrgreen:


Some lil dipshits come by "just to say hi" and act like they expect a :mrgreen: welcome party :twisted:


:mrgreen:


Some idiot at trader Joe's (Berkeley) came up to me and told me that he recognized me from ten years ago UCSD




f**k that ass hole


Seriously you don't have to say hi. It doesn't matter to me if you say hi


But if you don't say hi, don't wait ten years




What the f**k was that penis expecting :roll:






Some lil dipshits act like they are the latest greatest thing since sliced bread



"Hi" is just one syllable



Doctor Butler left the room and brought back another doctor "just to say hi"


Shake hands, germs



The counseling intern called me " they" instead of "he"




For a bunch of idiots that did nothing except sit around talking, they were bad at communication



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

19 Jun 2019, 8:50 am

It's not your "fault"---nor is it their "fault."

As others have pointed out.



IstominFan
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Nov 2016
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,114
Location: Santa Maria, CA.

19 Jun 2019, 8:57 am

As kraftiekortie said, there are important things you can do:

Don't hold one-sided monologues. Nobody wants a lecture, either on a special interest (for people with AS/Autism) or on whatever is wrong with you and needs to be "fixed." (This is for NTs).

Be open and friendly, but don't divulge too much right away, especially your weaknesses. If people knew certain things about me, they would turn away, making me all alone once more.

Above all, listen (that's the hardest thing for me to do, especially if the conversation is superficial, or about dark pop culture and television programs).



shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,742

19 Jun 2019, 9:17 am

There are disadvantage of having friends


Sometimes I feel like, making friends :twisted: and all other activities :ninja: is not worth :evil: :mrgreen: the cost benefit analysis :twisted:



AprilR
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Apr 2016
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,518

19 Jun 2019, 3:16 pm

Of course it is not a fault to not have friends. This guilt is just a temporary feeling. If you're meant to be friends with someone you will be, if you're meant to be alone you will be alone. This is not necessarily a bad thing either. A lot of friends stab each other from the back anyway.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 26,492
Location: UK

19 Jun 2019, 3:39 pm

It does hurt when you make the effort and still don't seem to have as many friends as you thought you'd have, especially knowing you're a nice person who takes people as they come and you're friendly and sociable. Sometimes the mind boggles, and you start believing it is your fault.


_________________
Female


Persephone29
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2019
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,387
Location: Everville

19 Jun 2019, 7:49 pm

It's my responsibility to make friends. Someone said, "if you want a friend you have to be a friend."

If I'm honest, I don't really want any friends beyond the ones I already have. They were my friends from way before the s**t hit the fan.

I don't want new friends.


_________________
Disagreeing with you doesn't mean I hate you, it just means we disagree.

Neurocognitive exam in May 2019, diagnosed with ASD, Asperger's type in June 2019.


chris1989
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Aug 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,087
Location: Kent, UK

08 Aug 2020, 12:03 pm

Fnord wrote:
chris1989 wrote:
Is it my fault I have less friends, or is it their fault that they don't bother to approach me and say Hi and interact with me?
If others see no reason to approach you, then they will not approach you -- this is not their fault, by the way. To gain their interest, you must first be interesting to them. To attract them, you must first be attractive to them. Maybe you could do more for yourself than just sit around waiting for other people to come to you.


What can I do for myself in order for other people to come to me ?