Why do I mostly hear negative stories about social skills?

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Fireblossom
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03 Jul 2019, 3:45 am

When I studied customer service, my teacher always said that a satisfied customer will tell of the experience to three others, but unsatisfied will tell it to ten. Could be the same here; the need to let out steam when things go wrong is greater than the desire to share the feeling of succes.



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03 Jul 2019, 4:58 am

BenderRodriguez wrote:
There are a few people here who are convinced that most if not all of their problems (including depression) will go away if they find a partner :?

Some I think just want to be "normal"...

I'm nowhere near "normal", never been, never will be. I have a wife and kids and no, it's not the only thing that gave me fulfilment, not by a far stretch.

So the answer would be: I have no idea, dude :)


Agreed.
I admire your honesty.

There are pros and cons either way.
There is fulfilment to be had whether one is single or in a relationship.
I doubt there is a perfect situation in either camp.

I was young once too, so I have a decent understanding in general of what most young males go through.
I felt the loneliness and confusion.
Struggled with social expectations.
Fell in romantic love.
Felt the agony of loss.

At my age now, I just have to shake my head and wonder what the hell I was thinking. 8O

One of the benefits of going through tough times is that you can develop tempered strength.
You can learn not to be emotionally dependent on others.
You realise you don't need validation from others.
And this is coming from someone who was initially extremely damaged.


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Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8) I'm a rationalist...Deal with it...:mrgreen:


BenderRodriguez
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03 Jul 2019, 5:16 am

Pepe wrote:
One of the benefits of going through tough times is that you can develop tempered strength.
You can learn not to be emotionally dependent on others.
You realise you don't need validation from others.
And this is coming from someone who was initially extremely damaged.


Yes, all this. In my youth, I had no doubt I'll end up in prison or dead before I turned 30.

I've learned to mostly stay out of that type of discussion. I cannot help, even if I understand very well. People are lonely and in pain, I don't want to add to their misery.


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Edna3362
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03 Jul 2019, 6:37 am

For all I know, people mistook "I wanna be normal" and "I wanna be this person that I'm not but everyone expects" with "I wanna be capable and free, and be actually able to serve with a face".

Therefore... Follow what's "normal" in order to be "happy". :lol:
In order to "relate" they say -- but in reality, it's very limiting and the fulfillment is naught but an idea what it means to be socially fulfilled.




As for myself... Fate chose the wrong person to coddle.
I'm socially fulfilled, but I'm asocial. If I ever want any relationship, I'd be as myself as much as possible and would never mask as a means to gain any bond other than to the idea of willful accommodation. I know the difference between the two.
So... I don't feel this 'longing' or 'need', if anything sure I can appreciate yet I have more than enough -- nor do felt obliged to socially fulfill the society's expectations of having any relationship despite the lack of interest, therefore I don't have to put up with it because I have a choice and I won't.


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blazingstar
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03 Jul 2019, 6:52 am

I once posted what I thought was a supportive message to a person who was experiencing the loss of a relationship and/or the inability to have one, I don't remember which. The response from the OP was a snarky how nice it was that I was happy and rubbing it in to those who are not. So I tend not to do that anymore.

I would much rather see posts about positive things and proactive things to do to ameliorate some of our problems living in a world where we don't belong.


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Pepe
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03 Jul 2019, 8:08 am

BenderRodriguez wrote:

I've learned to mostly stay out of that type of discussion. I cannot help, even if I understand very well. People are lonely and in pain, I don't want to add to their misery.


I think I know where you are coming but consider this:
If someone is lonely, how does it benefit the person if their post is ignored?

I often post simply to give existential recognition to the person. <shrug>

blazingstar wrote:
I once posted what I thought was a supportive message to a person who was experiencing the loss of a relationship and/or the inability to have one, I don't remember which. The response from the OP was a snarky how nice it was that I was happy and rubbing it in to those who are not. So I tend not to do that anymore.


I have seen that recently.
From personal experience, people just ignore my posts if they don't like the direction I am coming from.
If that happens, well, at least I tried and tend to back off. <shrug>


_________________
I'm a thinker. Some think I'm a stinker. Pepe le Pew. ;)
Down with big business!...
I'm not here to change the world...There isn't a big enough soiled nappy bin... ;)
Autistic/scout motto: "Give me a better argument and I will listen..."
"Honesty is not a social duty, not a sacrifice for the sake of others, but the most profoundly selfish virtue man can practice: his refusal to sacrifice the reality of his own existence to the deluded consciousness of others."
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8) I'm a rationalist...Deal with it...:mrgreen:


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03 Jul 2019, 8:22 am

Hollywood_Guy wrote:
Why is it that with a lot of people with autism or Asperger it's so easy to find negative stories from them about their lack of social success and things like dating.
It's likely that you are reading reports from autistic people who have half-heartedly tried a few times to make social connections and then gave up when they were not immediately successful, or they have a sibling who is much more socially successful than they without any apparent effort, or they look around and see what they think are mean-spirited people being popular and having many friends of their own. Their intermittent experiences and one-sided observations have given them a severe case of "Sour Grapes Syndrome" -- a belief that good social skills don't work, and that everybody else hates them for no particular reason.
Hollywood_Guy wrote:
Aren't there any more inspiring and positive success story experiences about social stuff coming from the regular Joe, non-famous aspies?
Yes, there are ... but many of us who can relate such stories are declared to be 'liars' and 'detractors' by the people who see only their own misery and loneliness -- the same people who say we relate our success stories only to make them feel bad for their personal failures. Sorry, but after years of abuse and hostility from the "I Can't Get a Date" crowd, I no longer care. I have my successes, they have their loses, and that's just how it is.


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Last edited by Fnord on 03 Jul 2019, 8:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

BenderRodriguez
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03 Jul 2019, 8:25 am

Pepe wrote:
BenderRodriguez wrote:

I've learned to mostly stay out of that type of discussion. I cannot help, even if I understand very well. People are lonely and in pain, I don't want to add to their misery.


I think I know where you are coming but consider this:
If someone is lonely, how does it benefit the person if their post is ignored?

I often post simply to give existential recognition to the person. <shrug>

blazingstar wrote:
I once posted what I thought was a supportive message to a person who was experiencing the loss of a relationship and/or the inability to have one, I don't remember which. The response from the OP was a snarky how nice it was that I was happy and rubbing it in to those who are not. So I tend not to do that anymore.


I have seen that recently.
From personal experience, people just ignore my posts if they don't like the direction I am coming from.
If that happens, well, at least I tried and tend to back off. <shrug>


I've walked a few miles in blazingstar's shoes - now I'd rather let more... diplomatic posters deal with the issue.

But the OP seems to be looking for real feedback here and I genuinely think his life might change in ways he can't imagine possible right now.


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Fnord
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03 Jul 2019, 8:31 am

blazingstar wrote:
I once posted what I thought was a supportive message to a person who was experiencing the loss of a relationship and/or the inability to have one, I don't remember which. The response from the OP was a snarky how nice it was that I was happy and rubbing it in to those who are not. So I tend not to do that anymore...
In my opinion, that kind of trollish behavior (not yours, theirs) has no place on this website. It's like finding a little lost puppy that is whining and obviously starving, but when you try to help, it tries to rip out your throat. I guess that the only way such people can feel good about themselves is to play the "Bait & Trap" game.

The Bait: A tale of misery and a plea for rescue.
The Trap: A snarky attack against a rescuer.

Since they can't (or more likely won't) lift themselves up, they can only feel good by bringing others down.


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purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis.”

— Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock, in the Star Trek
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kraftiekortie
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03 Jul 2019, 8:33 am

I just ignore those types of folks.

They have an agenda which doesn't match my agenda.

All they want is negativity; they feed off it.



Pepe
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03 Jul 2019, 8:51 am

BenderRodriguez wrote:

I've walked a few miles in blazingstar's shoes - now I'd rather let more... diplomatic posters deal with the issue.


Well, I'm new to these sorts of forums and I am still finding my feet.
The thing is, to grow, generally one must go through the experience oneself.
Human psychology at work here. <shrug>
That is why I generally ignore such advice since I need to work out what can and can't be achieved.

However, :mrgreen:
I too am considering the worth at getting involved in these sorts of threads.
There are so many of them.
And I am getting the impression it is usually a pointless exercise regardless of the diplomatic acuity/acumen when confronting someone new who hasn't a personal connection with the person offering advice.

In most situation the following holds true:
-The person has to want to change.
-The person needs to view the person giving advice as:
--A person of authority.
--A significant other.
--A friend.
--Or a simple "talking post" just to throw around ideas.

Based on what I have seen over the years, The new OP often simply doesn't reply further. <shrug>


_________________
I'm a thinker. Some think I'm a stinker. Pepe le Pew. ;)
Down with big business!...
I'm not here to change the world...There isn't a big enough soiled nappy bin... ;)
Autistic/scout motto: "Give me a better argument and I will listen..."
"Honesty is not a social duty, not a sacrifice for the sake of others, but the most profoundly selfish virtue man can practice: his refusal to sacrifice the reality of his own existence to the deluded consciousness of others."
Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8) I'm a rationalist...Deal with it...:mrgreen:


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03 Jul 2019, 9:05 am

So, any ideas on how to move creative and positive threads forward? I don't, but I certainly could appreciate thoughtful discussions on almost any topic. The point, for me anyway, is to move my brain forward, to expand it with other perspectives and get me out of my own rut.


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Arms held out to dark they say,
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shortfatbalduglyman
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03 Jul 2019, 9:06 am

The negative stories are more powerful than the positive

For example if someone is homophobic, they rape me . If they are not homophobic, they ignored me


It is easier to forget getting ignored than raped



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03 Jul 2019, 9:07 am

I have many positive social experiences now. I have made friends at the various activities in which I participate and am generally well-liked at work. However, I have not yet experienced success on the love and dating aspect of my life. This may be the one area that may not happen for me until I'm at least in my 60s. I have a lot of experience to make up and I still have a way to go in accomplishing adult milestones.



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03 Jul 2019, 9:09 am

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
The negative stories are more powerful than the positive...
Some are just more persistent (e.g., they're repeated more often).


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“I must acknowledge, once and for all, that the
purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis.”

— Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock, in the Star Trek
episode "The Mark of Gideon" (ep. 3.16, 1969)