No wonder most Aspies have such low self-esteem!

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Joe90
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12 Nov 2011, 11:31 am

And don't say ''it's not what you say it's the way you say it'' or ''you probably do it at the wrong time'' because it's not about that. I am good at mimicking NT behaviour, and I observe NT behaviour every day, and I know what's right and what's wrong. I'm not sure if it all just depends on how popular you are, but it just seems so unfair how NTs can get away with being rude ot nasty to us but we're never allowed to rude or nasty to anyone else without us being considered ''the problem''.

Here's some examples:-

An Aspie girl learns it is inappropriate to stare at other people and so she doesn't do it, she only glances up at people to see who they are then looks away and carries on going about her business. But she catches people staring at her quite often, even though she knows full well that she doesn't go out looking unusual or acting in any notable way that is considered noticable and weird. So she learns that staring at other people is inappropriate, but other people staring at her is totally appropriate, and so this damage her self-esteem and gets her into a state and makes herself feel hated.

Another scenario is, an Aspie boy has learnt never to accidentally insult people by giving their honest opinion on their behaviour or looks, but he gets NTs criticising him non-stop about his behaviour and how he looks, so thinking it's OK for people to point out all of his quirks but him never being allowed to point out anybody else's quirks makes him feel very downhearted about himself and makes him actually believe that he's bad, causing self-esteem issues.

Anyone with me on this? There are loads of other examples like these to put down, but these are all I can think of at the moment and they actually describe the way I feel but I changed it to third person because it makes it look less like I'm just ranting on. Is this why some of us, including me, suffer with self-esteem issues?


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1000Knives
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12 Nov 2011, 11:41 am

Yeah, I'd say that's about dead on.

And then later on, when you're an adult, people tell you to have more self confidence or whatever. Or they say, even better, that you're too hard on yourself. Hard on myself? I have to be because other people are hard with me.



MysteriousMrR
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12 Nov 2011, 12:07 pm

Yes, double standards bug the crap out of me. I see this a lot within my own family.



Ria1989
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12 Nov 2011, 12:11 pm

Power. Hypocrisy. ^^^^ and the lovely double standards.


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Franma
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12 Nov 2011, 12:12 pm

Agree 100%. This has puzzled me for a long time.


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12 Nov 2011, 2:09 pm

It's an interesting new view, though I don't think it's valid for myself.



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12 Nov 2011, 2:13 pm

Its not a surprise for me at all. If you get criticized, asked to change and pushed down your whole life. Who wouldn't develop low self-esteem? Come on? Course there are those really strong ones that push past the low self-esteem and become more confident and take on the harsh NT world. You think about it, if NTs faced what we have to face on a daily basis then you would have the masses going into depression.



League_Girl
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12 Nov 2011, 2:17 pm

I have noticed double standards too.



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12 Nov 2011, 3:08 pm

Joe90 wrote:
And don't say ''it's not what you say it's the way you say it'' or ''you probably do it at the wrong time'' because it's not about that. I am good at mimicking NT behaviour, and I observe NT behaviour every day, and I know what's right and what's wrong. I'm not sure if it all just depends on how popular you are, but it just seems so unfair how NTs can get away with being rude ot nasty to us but we're never allowed to rude or nasty to anyone else without us being considered ''the problem''.

Here's some examples:-

An Aspie girl learns it is inappropriate to stare at other people and so she doesn't do it, she only glances up at people to see who they are then looks away and carries on going about her business. But she catches people staring at her quite often, even though she knows full well that she doesn't go out looking unusual or acting in any notable way that is considered noticable and weird. So she learns that staring at other people is inappropriate, but other people staring at her is totally appropriate, and so this damage her self-esteem and gets her into a state and makes herself feel hated.

Another scenario is, an Aspie boy has learnt never to accidentally insult people by giving their honest opinion on their behaviour or looks, but he gets NTs criticising him non-stop about his behaviour and how he looks, so thinking it's OK for people to point out all of his quirks but him never being allowed to point out anybody else's quirks makes him feel very downhearted about himself and makes him actually believe that he's bad, causing self-esteem issues.

Anyone with me on this? There are loads of other examples like these to put down, but these are all I can think of at the moment and they actually describe the way I feel but I changed it to third person because it makes it look less like I'm just ranting on. Is this why some of us, including me, suffer with self-esteem issues?



Great post, yes, yes, yes. It's all BS about popularity, alpha types, group think, fear of being different. I have conducted a few unofficial experiments, doing or saying the same thing as someone else did, but for a different audience. Fact is, people agree with others, or laugh at a joke, not because of the content of the communication, but as an expression of their approval of them. It seems that most communication is about the "herd" mentality, and any comment made by one of the group is met with approval, and any comment made by one of the "outsiders" is met with disapproval. They can have it as far as I am concerned. Countless examples from my own experiences in life could be listed.



MakaylaTheAspie
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12 Nov 2011, 4:32 pm

It's hilarious the way NT society works these days.


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12 Nov 2011, 4:43 pm

Double standards confuse me soo much. My family has so many, and at school and uni there were many too.



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12 Nov 2011, 5:36 pm

Joe90 wrote:
An Aspie girl learns it is inappropriate to stare at other people and so she doesn't do it, she only glances up at people to see who they are then looks away and carries on going about her business. But she catches people staring at her quite often, even though she knows full well that she doesn't go out looking unusual or acting in any notable way that is considered noticable and weird. So she learns that staring at other people is inappropriate, but other people staring at her is totally appropriate, and so this damage her self-esteem and gets her into a state and makes herself feel hated.

Another scenario is, an Aspie boy has learnt never to accidentally insult people by giving their honest opinion on their behaviour or looks, but he gets NTs criticising him non-stop about his behaviour and how he looks, so thinking it's OK for people to point out all of his quirks but him never being allowed to point out anybody else's quirks makes him feel very downhearted about himself and makes him actually believe that he's bad, causing self-esteem issues.

Anyone with me on this? There are loads of other examples like these to put down, but these are all I can think of at the moment and they actually describe the way I feel but I changed it to third person because it makes it look less like I'm just ranting on. Is this why some of us, including me, suffer with self-esteem issues?


mob^Wmajority rule ?

It took a while growing up for me to decide that I wasn't going to be hurt if I just didn't want to be, even if the things that happened kept happening. Until I worked this out I spent many of my days being miserable.

I may be a somewhat less spontaneous person for choosing to choose, but I decided that I was going to be who I would be. Maybe this makes me selfish too, but I guess that's just how it goes.

I'm not above holding my tongue or my opinions for the purpose of additional advantage though ;)



Mego
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12 Nov 2011, 6:06 pm

I get targeted all the time and my family sits there and tells me how many people are unemployed and how "lucky" I am. Its very frustrating. Growing up I have had teachers and other peoples parents put me down. In college my roommates mother would stare at me to see what weird things i would do or something. I have had people who i am supposedly friends with say things like "she needs me" or not introduce me to their other friends.



RushKing
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12 Nov 2011, 8:10 pm

Mego wrote:
I get targeted all the time and my family sits there and tells me how many people are unemployed and how "lucky" I am. Its very frustrating. Growing up I have had teachers and other peoples parents put me down. In college my roommates mother would stare at me to see what weird things i would do or something. I have had people who i am supposedly friends with say things like "she needs me" or not introduce me to their other friends.

I hate it when that happens. They don't want to be seen with me or something? Sounds like more hierarchical bullshit.

I never understood this whole concept of "coolness". Why can't people just be themselves?



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12 Nov 2011, 8:16 pm

All these things posted hit very close to home. I have always been the "friend" that people call on when they need something, have been considered "smart", but not the one that gets included because of the friendship. Being socially dense, and having been raised having it pounded into me that I should do things for others, that I was selfish and would never have anyone there for me, sure didn't help. In fact it set me up to be the one always putting themselves out, putting off what I wanted, etc. Heck, I was so dense in my younger years there were things I missed, like my supposed "best friend" not sending me an invitation to her wedding (let alone have me in it), but calling the day of, when she knew I worked nights, to ask me to come. I got the night off and went, didn't realize she didn't actually think I would. Another talked to me about her wedding, I thought she was asking me to be in it, or something, and she wanted me to bartend for her, for free.

I am not the best person to listen to, but I will say at 54 and all the weird people I have met, being a hermit as much as I can be is the only way I want to live.

It's better than the BS, or time wasted on others only to be hurt when they have no use for you. I like me, don't want to work on changing or improving or whatever, It does come to a point in life when I think we all have a right to be the way we are, and screw all those that don't like it.