internal narrative when realizing you may be autistic

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So, I'm 31 years old and only recently realizing a lot of my "weird" and "crazy" behaviors over the course of my life that never made any sense to me all make sense within the context of autism, and the idea that I'm not a "normal" person who's a little "crazy" but rather an autistic person is an idea I'm only beginning to wrap my mind around. I'm struggling a lot with how I feel about it, because on the one hand the idea that I'm not who I always thought I was is really hard, but on the other hand the idea that there's an explanation for everything and that I'm not actually crazy is extremely relieving. I'm also struggling with how I see myself now, because again, I no longer think I'm the person I always believed I was but rather a different person altogether that I didn't know about. So I guess I'm just wondering, especially for those of you who were also in adulthood when you were diagnosed/first realized you may be autistic, how you made that transition in how you viewed yourself, and how your internal narrative and how you talk to yourself may have shifted. I also wonder how long the grief process lasted, while you mourned the self that you had always believed you were.

Welcome to Wrong Planet

Every person is different, that is true for autistics and true for how people deal with realizing or suspecting they are Autistic.

My diagnosis at age 55 provided an explanation for many key turning points in my life, it was a huge relief because as you mentioned it did explain that a lot of my difficulties were not the result of character flaws and being a weak person but because I was born this way. This was a great boost to my self esteem. I viewed and still view the day I got diagnosed as my second birthday.

I did have problems wondering if some things I do are skills that are an addition to me or just my faking myself into thinking I am who I am not. It took awhile but I realized that at my age my autism and my personality are so fused together it is not worth the effort trying to figure out which is which, it is just me, end of story.

Having knowledge of my traits has been helpful in anticipating, avoiding, or dealing with situations that are not naturally good for me. I spend more time doing what I need want and like now that I have a better idea of what they are.

I never felt like I mourned a self I thought I was, rather, I experienced profound joy at finally understanding the self I have always been. Pre-diagnosis, though, I had a lot of anxiety that I could be wrong. Now, a couple of years after, I feel whole and strong in a way I never have before.

I have found the diagnosis helps me to forgive myself, for struggling as much as I have in life. For constantly making social blunders, and failing to be normal.

In the past, realizing that I'd made a mistake would have sent me into intense self-loathing. Now, I simply accept - mistakes are to be expected, it's part of my disability. I just try to apologize as best I can, and get on with things.

In my case there was never a time when I thought of myself as 'normal' - so there was no 'normal' person to mourn. As others have said - it was more of a relief, to know there was a reason for my weirdness.

Anyway - welcome, I hope you enjoy the forum

I've always known I was a neurological freak in various ways.

Also, I was never able to fit in with the vast majority of my age peers. By the time I reached my twenties, I concluded that I would never be able to fit in with most of mainstream society, and that the only way for me to make friends was to seek out fellow oddballs of various kinds.

However, for most of my life, the fellow oddballs I sought out were mostly just people who shared one or more of my various unusual interests.

It never occurred to me that my all-around neurological freakiness was, itself, something that had a name, and hence that there would eventually be a way for me to find similar neurological freaks. Until ten years ago, I thought it was just coincidence that I happened to have so many different quirks.

About 11 years ago, I met the man who eventually became my boyfriend. It was from him that I first heard about Asperger's syndrome, which he had been diagnosed with back in 2001. He and I both soon concluded that I probably had AS too. At around that same time, my niece's daughter was diagnosed with autism. When my niece asked various relatives who else in the family might be autistic, they thought of me.

Even then, I didn't quite yet realize just how many different aspects of my personality could be connected to the "autism" label until early 2018, when I finally began to study the subject in earnest. Soon afterward, I got on the waiting list for a diagnosis, which I finally received in May of this year.

For me, it has been a huge relief to discover that I don't just have some nameless random collection of freaky traits, but that it's something identifiable and has a name. Moreover, I finally have an identifiable natural peer group.

My image of myself has not changed. I'm still the same person I always was, and still the same freak I always was. What the "autism" label has given me is a route to building a community of fellow freaks.