What aspects of social interaction are especially tiring?

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Remembering to check in with people so that there isn't anyone in your social circle that you haven't talked to in years.

Knowing when to laugh

Knowing when to persist or give up

struggling to avoid the fate of "The thing that wouldn't leave."

Everything is equally 'especially tiring', but here are some low lights:

- Pretending to listen to what they are saying (either I'm not interested, or I don't understand the content, or I can't relate to it, or I'm too busy worrying how to respond)

- Filtering the conversation from ambient noise and stimulation without feeling derealisation (I go into a bubble)

- Showing I care about what they say (it's not that I don't care, but I have a hard time demonstrating my interest to the right degree without over-or under- doing my emotions)

- Knowing what on earth to do with my face (blink, smile, frown, move eyebrows, etc.) I'm normally a very flat affect so I have to consciously orchestrate and monitor all of this. Likewise with body language and how to stand or sit.

- Knowing what on earth to say back, or what tone to use (joking, serious, affectionate)

- Keeping myself from oversharing in response, even if they seem to want my details (maintaining my privacy and dignity is hard because I easily overshare)

- Dealing with trigger topics without having a panic attack

- Having the physical energy to speak, whereas I have selective mutism and I'm often monosyllabic

- Self-advocacy to express my own needs and feelings without sounding argumentative, knowing how to say I don't like something or don't want to do something without seeming oppositional vs. not being a doormat

- Refraining from full-on stimming (yes I know stimming is OK but some of mine are absolutely impossible in public), and refraining from echolalia

- The fact I'm not in my pyjamas, and my clothing is likely causing sensory overload or discomfort

- Consciously worrying about what I'm doing wrong, what part of the interaction I'm going to ruminate about, and how they perceive me

- Staying focussed on whatever the person is saying rather than ignoring them and pursuing my own interest

- Accommodating their speed / energy (if they are doing too much or seeming hyper it exhausts me, or if they are moving / talking too slowly I get impatient and want to scream)

- Feeling self-conscious and ashamed because of my discomfort during the interaction, and wishing people would understand without judging me

- Worry about physical boundaries. Do I touch them or hug them, do I gesture with my hands, am I standing too far away, do I let them hug me goodbye, do they get an air kiss?

- Panic about how to end the interaction without seeming rude

Thank you for your kind words, Yakuzamonroe. I'm already "doing me" because I'm reclusive and seldom leave the house. My list reminded me the reasons why. I can relate to everything you wrote as well!

I didn't put "eye contact" on my list because I don't even fake it. I have so many other things on my mind in social situations that it doesn't cross my mind to actually look at the person or have a strategy of looking at other parts of their face. Most of the time I'm not looking at the person at all, and that's fine with me. I'm always acutely aware that the people are looking at my face, though ... and this stresses me out.

Hard:

- Thinking how to best respond. It mostly is a balancing act between being kind to the other person and in the meantime staying honest with your own values.
- After establishing how to respond: formulating useful sentences to actually respond with.
- Communicating non verbally with posture or gestures, though mostly I don't worry to much about that, because I'm satisfied when people just accept me for the things I say, regardless of my clumsiness in social interaction.
- Smalltalk, especially with people I don't know so well.

Easy:

- With some people (both aspies and NT) whose personality is fairly predictable. That makes I'm pretty relaxed while communicating, which makes it a lot less tiresome.
- Speaking with people who like to talk themselves a lot. Then I only have to acknowledge what they're saying now and then and maybe ask a basic question to clarify some details.

It would be helpful if there was some sort of digital system, mandatory for everybody to participate in, which calculates automatically for all the people around you how much you have in common and what the chance is of having a nice conversation. Then you can ignore everyone and just wait for your smartphone to give you a positive signal and then concentrate on a single interaction. On the other hand, I like the thought of having to put some effort in socializing and sometimes be pleasantly surprised.

There are always a few people who want to trip me up. They are more interested in proving their superiority than having a pleasant conversation. I run into this more frequently than I can stand. It is exhausting, upsetting and bewildering.

Toxic people exist and make life unpleasant. Having to deal with them in social setting or at work has strengthened my avoidance.

I know, there are many nice people and I meet them from time to time. They can be pleasant, fun and helpful. I truly wish there was a big sign on their foreheads that would make it easy to recognize them.

Knowing what is appropriate to say and what isn't. In the past the way I masked made life hard as everything I said was so normal that I didn't make any real friends as I just regurgitated the sort of things they would say and people found me very boring for this reason. However my new dilemma is how do I interest people without making them too uncomfortable, should I say anything too familiar, dark or strange. a little of any category is fine I just can't do too much and I haven't mastered that yet which has led me to making others uncomfortable.

There is also the constant struggle of trying to get people's intentions and trying to not take anything at face value or let it be warped by anxiety so that I obsess over it for days/weeks/years.