What aspects of social interaction are especially tiring?

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Joe90
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18 Oct 2019, 7:21 am

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What aspects of social interaction (both in-person and online, both one-on-one and in groups) do you find especially tiring?


This may be a weird answer but to me being out in public is the most tiring for me. Interacting with friends, family, colleagues, partner, etc, seems easy to me and requires little or no effort (depending on the situation), but all the social anxiety and self-consciousness I feel when in public places seems to exhaust me for some reason.

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Also, if you were in a position to dictate social customs, how would you change the ways that people interact, so that you could make friends more easily without tiring yourself out as much?


I'd like to live in a world where strangers minded each other's business and didn't judge each other. If you decide to go out without a coat on in November because you're menopausal or recovering from a flu or whatever reason you're hot, it would be nice to not have to feel self-conscious about it because of having people look at you funny.

Also another thing that will make my social life better is if people (particularly young people) didn't think that getting drunk is the be all and end all. If it weren't for drunks acting like unpredictable lunatics, I would go out more at night time and not feel so intimidated. Also I wouldn't feel like the only person in the world who hasn't been drunk in my life.


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blackomen
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18 Oct 2019, 7:57 am

Remembering to check in with people so that there isn't anyone in your social circle that you haven't talked to in years.



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18 Oct 2019, 8:05 am

Knowing when to laugh

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18 Oct 2019, 8:13 am

struggling to avoid the fate of "The thing that wouldn't leave."



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18 Oct 2019, 10:22 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
What I find tiring (as far as "in-person" social interaction is concerned)----is that I always have to appear "in a good mood" when I don't feel like I'm in a "good mood."

At least, online, one doesn't actually have to FACE people. And one can edit his/her thoughts right away in the written medium; whereas, "in-person," what one may say verbally cannot be "erased," cannot be "edited."


Often with people interacting with , if i find myself outta sorts , and person is not already scowling . Will often offer a "warning " in sort look out today am,very put out with someone else , recently spoke with , or simple as the dog just poo,ed on the living room carpet . Or just got outta heavey traffic . And i am
Very frustrated ...... etc . Hopefully they may understand odd behaviour .
( such as , ) biting their friggin head clean, off .
*CAVEAT, most medical type professionals, do not get the benefit ouf these warnings anymore.*
When you strut about wearing cloak of professionalism, and am dealing with that person on that basis , am never expecting them to be stupid.
Having said that, never under estimate power of prof. To be that way.
Does not matter if ,i say something not smart, they are supposably in a professional capacity. Am not wearing that same cloak of professionalism.


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IsabellaLinton
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18 Oct 2019, 10:33 am

Everything is equally 'especially tiring', but here are some low lights:

- Pretending to listen to what they are saying (either I'm not interested, or I don't understand the content, or I can't relate to it, or I'm too busy worrying how to respond)

- Filtering the conversation from ambient noise and stimulation without feeling derealisation (I go into a bubble)

- Showing I care about what they say (it's not that I don't care, but I have a hard time demonstrating my interest to the right degree without over-or under- doing my emotions)

- Knowing what on earth to do with my face (blink, smile, frown, move eyebrows, etc.) I'm normally a very flat affect so I have to consciously orchestrate and monitor all of this. Likewise with body language and how to stand or sit.

- Knowing what on earth to say back, or what tone to use (joking, serious, affectionate)

- Keeping myself from oversharing in response, even if they seem to want my details (maintaining my privacy and dignity is hard because I easily overshare)

- Dealing with trigger topics without having a panic attack

- Having the physical energy to speak, whereas I have selective mutism and I'm often monosyllabic

- Self-advocacy to express my own needs and feelings without sounding argumentative, knowing how to say I don't like something or don't want to do something without seeming oppositional vs. not being a doormat

- Refraining from full-on stimming (yes I know stimming is OK but some of mine are absolutely impossible in public), and refraining from echolalia

- The fact I'm not in my pyjamas, and my clothing is likely causing sensory overload or discomfort

- Consciously worrying about what I'm doing wrong, what part of the interaction I'm going to ruminate about, and how they perceive me

- Staying focussed on whatever the person is saying rather than ignoring them and pursuing my own interest

- Accommodating their speed / energy (if they are doing too much or seeming hyper it exhausts me, or if they are moving / talking too slowly I get impatient and want to scream)

- Feeling self-conscious and ashamed because of my discomfort during the interaction, and wishing people would understand without judging me

- Worry about physical boundaries. Do I touch them or hug them, do I gesture with my hands, am I standing too far away, do I let them hug me goodbye, do they get an air kiss?

- Panic about how to end the interaction without seeming rude


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Jakki
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18 Oct 2019, 12:00 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Everything is equally 'especially tiring', but here are some low lights:

- Pretending to listen to what they are saying (either I'm not interested, or I don't understand the content, or I can't relate to it, or I'm too busy worrying how to respond)

- Filtering the conversation from ambient noise and stimulation without feeling derealisation (I go into a bubble)

- Showing I care about what they say (it's not that I don't care, but I have a hard time demonstrating my interest to the right degree without over-or under- doing my emotions)

- Knowing what on earth to do with my face (blink, smile, frown, move eyebrows, etc.) I'm normally a very flat affect so I have to consciously orchestrate and monitor all of this. Likewise with body language and how to stand or sit.

- Knowing what on earth to say back, or what tone to use (joking, serious, affectionate)

- Keeping myself from oversharing in response, even if they seem to want my details (maintaining my privacy and dignity is hard because I easily overshare)

- Dealing with trigger topics without having a panic attack

- Having the physical energy to speak, whereas I have selective mutism and I'm often monosyllabic

- Self-advocacy to express my own needs and feelings without sounding argumentative, knowing how to say I don't like something or don't want to do something without seeming oppositional vs. not being a doormat

- Refraining from full-on stimming (yes I know stimming is OK but some of mine are absolutely impossible in public), and refraining from echolalia

- The fact I'm not in my pyjamas, and my clothing is likely causing sensory overload or discomfort

- Consciously worrying about what I'm doing wrong, what part of the interaction I'm going to ruminate about, and how they perceive me

- Staying focussed on whatever the person is saying rather than ignoring them and pursuing my own interest

- Accommodating their speed / energy (if they are doing too much or seeming hyper it exhausts me, or if they are moving / talking too slowly I get impatient and want to scream)

- Feeling self-conscious and ashamed because of my discomfort during the interaction, and wishing people would understand without judging me

- Worry about physical boundaries. Do I touch them or hug them, do I gesture with my hands, am I standing too far away, do I let them hug me goodbye, do they get an air kiss?

- Panic about how to end the interaction without seeming rude


Lighting can affect me too otherwise all the above used to, for me , as time passed and overload came up again and again . Tried many things to cope.
If huggs are offered , i will respond , but thats,that and am leaving right then.
Or at least disengaging, allowing other person to speak.
And yes , tendency to overshare is a fate alot of people do, aspies too .
If you think you have a connection,maybe you are going to say something someone else will need or like. Aspies bond differently than NTs i believe.

It becomes too much ,so not being too close to hardly anyone , i quit caring about their thoughts , as much as that was possible , and just chose to reflect on what just happened around me. As i go . If am not seeing connection or
Watching as closely as i do looking for manipulation ? Have literally just walked away from someone mid convo . If not feeling right or good about the interaction. Believe me it was hard to do .
BUT HAVE LEARNED ," ones first duty is to themselves ", the only person you can count on to support you , 《 IS YOU》. Noone else knows you like you .
Nobody else has to live with you but you . And if it is my major mistake , after having thought about it later , can always go back later and apologize .
A quality seems lacking in many NT people.
There is no requirement in the human being manual says you have to suck up anothers b.s. .
Small talk is not my forte, many times feel left out cause am not good at it. But
Often , have felt worse for that valuable time might be of use to me elsewhere.
Even if its just recovering from that same convo.
When you find yourself having successfully evaded some situation , you might have felt obligated to be in , and questioned why you are there.? Try to immediately distract yourself . Go get a reward , a soda, a coffee. Whatever?

Dwell on it later , if need be. Have had many gaslighter types over the years attempt to infuriated me just get the reaction . Sometimes to show others that i might be foolish or incompetent . Watch out fot those, do not respond or just leave .
Well those are my thoughts on these issues .


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Yakuzamonroe
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18 Oct 2019, 1:05 pm

Jakki wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
Everything is equally 'especially tiring', but here are some low lights:

- Pretending to listen to what they are saying (either I'm not interested, or I don't understand the content, or I can't relate to it, or I'm too busy worrying how to respond)

- Filtering the conversation from ambient noise and stimulation without feeling derealisation (I go into a bubble)

- Showing I care about what they say (it's not that I don't care, but I have a hard time demonstrating my interest to the right degree without over-or under- doing my emotions)

- Knowing what on earth to do with my face (blink, smile, frown, move eyebrows, etc.) I'm normally a very flat affect so I have to consciously orchestrate and monitor all of this. Likewise with body language and how to stand or sit.

- Knowing what on earth to say back, or what tone to use (joking, serious, affectionate)

- Keeping myself from oversharing in response, even if they seem to want my details (maintaining my privacy and dignity is hard because I easily overshare)

- Dealing with trigger topics without having a panic attack

- Having the physical energy to speak, whereas I have selective mutism and I'm often monosyllabic

- Self-advocacy to express my own needs and feelings without sounding argumentative, knowing how to say I don't like something or don't want to do something without seeming oppositional vs. not being a doormat

- Refraining from full-on stimming (yes I know stimming is OK but some of mine are absolutely impossible in public), and refraining from echolalia

- The fact I'm not in my pyjamas, and my clothing is likely causing sensory overload or discomfort

- Consciously worrying about what I'm doing wrong, what part of the interaction I'm going to ruminate about, and how they perceive me

- Staying focussed on whatever the person is saying rather than ignoring them and pursuing my own interest

- Accommodating their speed / energy (if they are doing too much or seeming hyper it exhausts me, or if they are moving / talking too slowly I get impatient and want to scream)

- Feeling self-conscious and ashamed because of my discomfort during the interaction, and wishing people would understand without judging me

- Worry about physical boundaries. Do I touch them or hug them, do I gesture with my hands, am I standing too far away, do I let them hug me goodbye, do they get an air kiss?

- Panic about how to end the interaction without seeming rude


BUT HAVE LEARNED ," ones first duty is to themselves ", the only person you can count on to support you , 《 IS YOU》. Noone else knows you like you .
Nobody else has to live with you but you . And if it is my major mistake , after having thought about it later , can always go back later and apologize .

There is no requirement in the human being manual says you have to suck up anothers b.s. .

Dwell on it later , if need be. Have had many gaslighter types over the years attempt to infuriated me just get the reaction . Sometimes to show others that i might be foolish or incompetent . Watch out fot those, do not respond or just leave .
Well those are my thoughts on these issues .


My sympathies to you, IsabellaLinton, as I've experienced a lot of what you two have been talking about but Jakki is correct; take care of YOURSELF first and you do you. Whatever people think of you is their problem and you don't have to think about how they feel about you. Trust me on that one. Most of what you wrote above were similar to what I faced during grade, middle and high school (and sometimes, even now).

Here's my list:

- Trying to make small talk about topics that do not hold ANY of my interest

- Knowing when to smile, show emotion or go "hm-mm" to show when you're paying attention

- Simultaneously trying to show interest or talk to a person you don't know or just getting to know who is still a stranger to you

- Trying to cancel out ambient noise while trying to focus on talking to one person

- Changing how I need to talk to somebody based on their position of authority or the social setting (eg. the difference between talking to a friend casually and your boss in a performance meeting)

- Withholding my grievances and holding my tongue when I'm talking to somebody, face-to-face, when they have already wronged me. That one is really straining.

- Trying to match the energy of the person I'm speaking to whether it's happy with their happy, sympathy with their sad or angry with their angry. That's a tough one as I feel I have to queue up certain emotions to get the right response.

Those are just a few ... :)



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18 Oct 2019, 1:28 pm

Thank you for your kind words, Yakuzamonroe. I'm already "doing me" because I'm reclusive and seldom leave the house. My list reminded me the reasons why. I can relate to everything you wrote as well!

I didn't put "eye contact" on my list because I don't even fake it. I have so many other things on my mind in social situations that it doesn't cross my mind to actually look at the person or have a strategy of looking at other parts of their face. Most of the time I'm not looking at the person at all, and that's fine with me. I'm always acutely aware that the people are looking at my face, though ... and this stresses me out.


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Sir Sensealot
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18 Oct 2019, 2:27 pm

Hard:

- Thinking how to best respond. It mostly is a balancing act between being kind to the other person and in the meantime staying honest with your own values.
- After establishing how to respond: formulating useful sentences to actually respond with.
- Communicating non verbally with posture or gestures, though mostly I don't worry to much about that, because I'm satisfied when people just accept me for the things I say, regardless of my clumsiness in social interaction.
- Smalltalk, especially with people I don't know so well.

Easy:

- With some people (both aspies and NT) whose personality is fairly predictable. That makes I'm pretty relaxed while communicating, which makes it a lot less tiresome.
- Speaking with people who like to talk themselves a lot. Then I only have to acknowledge what they're saying now and then and maybe ask a basic question to clarify some details.

It would be helpful if there was some sort of digital system, mandatory for everybody to participate in, which calculates automatically for all the people around you how much you have in common and what the chance is of having a nice conversation. Then you can ignore everyone and just wait for your smartphone to give you a positive signal and then concentrate on a single interaction. On the other hand, I like the thought of having to put some effort in socializing and sometimes be pleasantly surprised.



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18 Oct 2019, 2:37 pm

Sir Sensealot wrote:
It would be helpful if there was some sort of digital system, mandatory for everybody to participate in, which calculates automatically for all the people around you how much you have in common and what the chance is of having a nice conversation. Then you can ignore everyone and just wait for your smartphone to give you a positive signal and then concentrate on a single interaction. On the other hand, I like the thought of having to put some effort in socializing and sometimes be pleasantly surprised.


LOL this is great. It reminds me of the only time I joined a dating website, EHarmony, because I liked answering personality inventories and thought it would be fun (not to find a date). A couple of years later I got ONE hit, from someone on the other side of the planet. LOL. Apparently there was only one person I would have things in common with, or one person as reclusive as I am. No, I didn't contact them.


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19 Oct 2019, 3:25 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
LOL this is great. It reminds me of the only time I joined a dating website, EHarmony, because I liked answering personality inventories and thought it would be fun (not to find a date). A couple of years later I got ONE hit, from someone on the other side of the planet. LOL. Apparently there was only one person I would have things in common with, or one person as reclusive as I am. No, I didn't contact them.

Imagine if everyone on this planet was on that dating site and answered a personality inventory. You certainly would've gotten more than one hit. :)

Another thing that would be very tiresome for me is having to speak English to someone instead of my native tongue. For years I haven't had any problem understanding it in spoken or written form, but writing in English costs me a lot of energy. I seldom speak English to someone, but for me that would be even harder to do than writing it.



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19 Oct 2019, 6:44 am

There are always a few people who want to trip me up. They are more interested in proving their superiority than having a pleasant conversation. I run into this more frequently than I can stand. It is exhausting, upsetting and bewildering.

Toxic people exist and make life unpleasant. Having to deal with them in social setting or at work has strengthened my avoidance.

I know, there are many nice people and I meet them from time to time. They can be pleasant, fun and helpful. I truly wish there was a big sign on their foreheads that would make it easy to recognize them.


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19 Oct 2019, 7:07 am

goatfish57 wrote:
There are always a few people who want to trip me up. They are more interested in proving their superiority than having a pleasant conversation. I run into this more frequently than I can stand. It is exhausting, upsetting and bewildering. Toxic people exist and make life unpleasant. Having to deal with them in social setting or at work has strengthened my avoidance. I know, there are many nice people and I meet them from time to time. They can be pleasant, fun and helpful. I truly wish there was a big sign on their foreheads that would make it easy to recognize them.

unfortunately, one can only discern them by the fruits of their labors, after the fact as it were.



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19 Oct 2019, 1:24 pm

Knowing what is appropriate to say and what isn't. In the past the way I masked made life hard as everything I said was so normal that I didn't make any real friends as I just regurgitated the sort of things they would say and people found me very boring for this reason. However my new dilemma is how do I interest people without making them too uncomfortable, should I say anything too familiar, dark or strange. a little of any category is fine I just can't do too much and I haven't mastered that yet which has led me to making others uncomfortable.

There is also the constant struggle of trying to get people's intentions and trying to not take anything at face value or let it be warped by anxiety so that I obsess over it for days/weeks/years.



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19 Oct 2019, 5:04 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Thank you for your kind words, Yakuzamonroe. I'm already "doing me" because I'm reclusive and seldom leave the house. My list reminded me the reasons why. I can relate to everything you wrote as well!

I didn't put "eye contact" on my list because I don't even fake it. I have so many other things on my mind in social situations that it doesn't cross my mind to actually look at the person or have a strategy of looking at other parts of their face. Most of the time I'm not looking at the person at all, and that's fine with me. I'm always acutely aware that the people are looking at my face, though ... and this stresses me out.


:D. And ditto on the eye contact thing.

lvpin wrote:
However my new dilemma is how do I interest people without making them too uncomfortable, should I say anything too familiar, dark or strange. a little of any category is fine I just can't do too much and I haven't mastered that yet which has led me to making others uncomfortable.

There is also the constant struggle of trying to get people's intentions and trying to not take anything at face value or let it be warped by anxiety so that I obsess over it for days/weeks/years.


I'd say these are leading problems of mine as well. I'd say trail-and-error are the best ways to confront it since there isn't really a limit to how many bridges you can burn (in context, of course)

But the second thing ... I'm thinking my social life could take some very dark turns if I don't learn to stop taking people seriously. Like, REALLY dark turns. So, ditto here and I'm thinking I desperately need to find help in this area.