What aspects of social interaction are especially tiring?

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LunaticCentruroides
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23 Oct 2019, 8:35 pm

What I find especially tiring are these people who overtalk constantly, and they talk about stuff other people usually are absolutely NOT interested in. Like really unimportant and boring stuff no one cares about or needs to hear.. I knew many people who did this, they talked for HOURS without letting ME talk for once, or even asking me a question about my life. It's absolutely awful, for me some of the worst experiences with people, cause they literally forced me to listen to them, cause I struggle say "no" or just end the conversation and go away. Even writing that down makes me freak-out again lol...

Groups can be very tiring as well, especially girlgroups. I can't stand girlgroups, cause the girls I met throughout my life were in most cases simply boring for me as well. I had nothing to talk with these individuals. And in groups, it is just horrific, it's all about trying to be part of it or trying to be cool and watching out to not say something wrong what I apperantly always do with girls lol. We just don't have the same humor.


It's less tiring for me when I'm less nervous and when I can talk with attractive people about things I am really interested in. Or if we do an activity at the same time I like to do. I have difficulties to just sit(and do nothing) and talking. This is very frightful for me.

most tiring:
Girls and women
boring people
Children
wrong groups
sometimes family

least tiring:
Guys I am interested in
intellectual people
calm adults
Groups I know I'm not being judged

"how would you change the ways that people interact":
Both have to ASK QUESTIONS and not being selfish by talking about yourself all the time. My problem is that I unfortunately can't talk if people don't ask me questions.



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24 Oct 2019, 3:43 pm

I just now posted a separate new thread How can we make social interaction less stressful / tiring? (in the Social Skills and Making Friends sub-forum) to talk about possible ways to alleviate (both on an individual level and on a group level) at least some of the issues that have been mentioned here in this thread.


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24 Oct 2019, 10:56 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Also another thing that will make my social life better is if people (particularly young people) didn't think that getting drunk is the be all and end all. If it weren't for drunks acting like unpredictable lunatics, I would go out more at night time and not feel so intimidated. Also I wouldn't feel like the only person in the world who hasn't been drunk in my life.

Have you ever attended any social events for autistic adults? Was getting drunk the norm even there?


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Mona Pereth
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25 Oct 2019, 6:03 pm

To IsabellaLinton, lvpin, quaker, blackomen, darkwaver, MagicMeerkat, LunaticCentruroides, and Jon81: To various posts of yours, here in this thread, I've replied in the separate thread How can we make social interaction less stressful / tiring?


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Yakuzamonroe
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25 Nov 2019, 8:06 am

mr_bigmouth_502 wrote:
Hiding my true self from people. I pretty much have to do it to survive.


auntblabby wrote:
a big part of my social problems is that I seem incapable of hiding anything about myself, everything is on my sleeves for the whole world to see.


GiantHockeyFan wrote:
I can't stand the whole phoniness of it. I am going to a networking event tomorrow and I would rather drink poison. The whole pretending to be your friend, everyone putting on the super social persona and making themselves out to be high paid CEOs in order to attract more money. Ugh. The only reason I am going is the faint hope that someone, somewhere will recognize my talents that can't seem to get past any HR departments.


Amity wrote:
The constant necessary attempts to interpret what the other person means, what they really mean, as in, is there a subtext. Then what am I meant to do next if I narrow it down to an approximate understanding, how to respond the next time I encounter it.

Developing my own schemas for interpreting others while social blindspots and communication abilities trip me up. Then remembering what I've worked out from before... unfortunately this is most memorable when it comes from concrete experiences and the theories I have spent mental energy on usually escape me in the moment.

To unjumble my thoughts and communicate in the right order. Sometimes my sentences come out in disorganised segments and I dont notice it until someone else translates to others for me.

Figuring out interactions that I found confusing, or had triggered my sense of danger without knowing why. Was it a rational or irrational reaction that I had in my mind... melting head recipe.

I've given up on situations where I have to script on a personal level, I dont have the energy for it anymore.
I am perhaps disillusioned by how pointless it's all been in the past, as in, it hasn't had long term benefits despite the cost of the energy used.


LunaticCentruroides wrote:
What I find especially tiring are these people who overtalk constantly, and they talk about stuff other people usually are absolutely NOT interested in. Like really unimportant and boring stuff no one cares about or needs to hear.. I knew many people who did this, they talked for HOURS without letting ME talk for once, or even asking me a question about my life. It's absolutely awful, for me some of the worst experiences with people, cause they literally forced me to listen to them, cause I struggle say "no" or just end the conversation and go away. Even writing that down makes me freak-out again lol...


This ... All of this.



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29 Nov 2019, 11:45 pm

Being expected to communicate and have conversations.



old_comedywriter
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30 Nov 2019, 12:08 am

Apologizing for trivial things that are not my fault. I'm not sorry your goldfish died, not sorry traffic was bad, not sorry you have a headache. Get your empty empathy somewhere else.


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30 Nov 2019, 3:45 am

old_comedywriter wrote:
Apologizing for trivial things that are not my fault. I'm not sorry your goldfish died, not sorry traffic was bad, not sorry you have a headache. Get your empty empathy somewhere else.

I think it's a linguistic thing that English has the same phrase for apologizing and expressing sympathy. It's a different "I'm sorry" but the two meanings can get confused.
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source: https://xkcd.com/945/


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firemonkey
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30 Nov 2019, 6:11 am

I'm not sure if I could call it less or more tiring with regards to F2F interaction . I do find though that some days it's more of an effort to have a conversation with someone . The ability to respond in real time is not as good/a 'thinking on your feet' impairment?


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DemophobicKlingon
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08 Dec 2019, 12:53 pm

Some things that I personally find tiring are:

Having runins with people who I know when I'm not in a particularly social/talkative mood.

When a topic comes up that I am not knowledgable or competent about.

Faux pas on my part that may build up and trying to compensate for them and the fact that they can't be taken back.

Showing interest in topics that I have no interest in whatsoever and when it is repeatedly brought up.

Keeping up the right amount of inflection.


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26 Feb 2020, 8:49 pm

DemophobicKlingon wrote:
Some things that I personally find tiring are:

Having runins with people who I know when I'm not in a particularly social/talkative mood.

When a topic comes up that I am not knowledgable or competent about.

Faux pas on my part that may build up and trying to compensate for them and the fact that they can't be taken back.

Showing interest in topics that I have no interest in whatsoever and when it is repeatedly brought up.

Keeping up the right amount of inflection.



I agree with most of this. Except I like to learn about topics that are foreign to me....even if it annoys the other person I have an urge to keep asking and asking and asking.

But my issue is I cannot phrase my questions in the right way to encompass what I want to know.
So most of my life I just stayed quiet even though I really wanted to ask.

But it’s improved vastly.


I find the vibes tiring. If a person has bad vibes or good vibes, I over-sense them either way. Then I overthink them.

I also find it tiring to maintain myself in interactions. I suddenly start talking like the other person..and I realized it’s because it is an immediate structure to follow so u feel less anxious because u know they won’t read something else into it that isnt there...

because otherwise im trying to come up with my own structure of talking and tone, and since it is not consistent, ppl think im lying or hiding something.. its neither, im just bad at talking


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muddy
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26 Feb 2020, 9:39 pm

The "having to make eye contact" thing.

I was having a conversation with a co-worker today, and she's one of those people who, once she makes eye contact with you, LOCKS HER GAZE INTO YOUR EYES, WHICH EVENTUALLY BURNS THROUGH YOUR EYES, THROUGH YOUR RETINAS, AND FINALLY THROUGH THE BACK OF YOUR SKULL, ALL WHILE CONTINUOUSLY SMILING AND TALKING THE ENTIRE TIME, WHICH EVENTUALLY PREVENTS YOUR ABILITY TO RUN AWAY OR SCREAM :x



MyNameisNic
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27 Feb 2020, 11:01 am

It can all be tiring given the right circumstance. I find people who won't shut up or keep asking questions cheerfully and curiously especially tiring. People at work who try to engage in small talk at the coffee machine are more annoying than anything, because I never know what to say or how to continue a conversation about things that don't matter. If there's a lot of small talk, like at a social gathering, that is exhausting and I mostly hide in the corner or stand beside someone who will do all the talking. Sometimes just being around a lot of people or just being around a few people for an extended period of time is exhausting.


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Dial1194
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27 Feb 2020, 11:42 am

I think it's mostly that initial Local Cultural Standard Small Talk Starter Pack that people use, which is almost inevitably geared towards "getting to know each other". And while I know the psychological and social reasons behind such a thing, I don't personally have any such drive in either direction, which effectively means that:

1) I don't want to know anything about the other person and don't have any desire or drive to find out; and
2) I don't particularly want them to know anything about me, either.

And yet, very nearly everyone who doesn't know anyone else in a social situation will lead off with this same type of two-way interrogation. It doesn't help that it's a very extrovert-style interaction, too, and I'm not that either. It's not that I hate the other person; I am simply unable to give the tiniest f**k about their life. No doubt it's super-interesting to them, sure, and that's OK, really it is, but I can't stand having details of other people crammed into my unwilling brain like I'm some kind of public storage utility. Just... please, stop trying to insert yourself into my monkeysphere.

Amusingly enough, I'm actually OK with people who rabbit on about some topic or other, even if it's not my particular jam. There's always the chance I'll pick up a nugget or two of interesting information from the stream, and at least they're not talking about themselves. Plus if I'm being firehosed at in a multi-person social situation, it tends to prevent anyone else from jumping in and talking about, you guessed it, themselves.



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27 Feb 2020, 12:30 pm

For me, it is often a minefield of people who need information, but are emotionally invested in their ignorance. I go in expecting logic to prevail, and get out feeling like I took a petition to a bar brawl.



Eimaj98
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28 Feb 2020, 7:20 am

For me personally the worst thing about it is having to speak to/work with somebody I either dont know or dont know very well, once I'm comfortable around someone then I dont really have any problems.