Do you ever worry you're just "making it fit"?

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lvpin
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25 Oct 2019, 9:56 pm

I worried about that for a time but then I realised that one, I was diagnosed at a hospital that is a specialist in my country who have people coming from hours away to go there and two, I have all the symptoms. Plus, my anxiety has me so deadly afraid of people/myself thinking I am trying to take advantage of things that I try my best not to ask for anything extra so that doesn't fit either. Therefore, I realised it was just my anxiety disorder doing what an anxiety disorder does.

2ukenkerl
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26 Oct 2019, 1:07 pm

SharonB wrote:

Yes. I can act fairly normal (I performed professionally in my youth). People are often surprised when I deflate. So I ask myself, "why not just keep acting :normal" and then I would BE that". Couldn't I find a way to hold that up? Some secret trick. Then that would be me. Except it's not. And I can only hold it up under the most auspicious circumstances, as soon as there is a medium degree (or combined small degrees) of stress, I'm done for. Plus the "real" me is much more fun (an NT would say childish, but what do they know?)

I asked my assessor if I could "be myself" and he said yes, so I looked all around, fidgeted, bounced - just like I would WANT to do, I did refrain from asking a million questions, b/c I didn't want to "overdo" it. Really that was the first time I've been real with someone other than my husband and BFF ---- and it occurred to me I was "making it up" --- but no, it feels so good and natural ---- I plan to do it more! (next test: my family)

Well, I haven't worried about that, but I am so bad with parties, etc.... that I tend to just not go.

dragonsanddemons
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26 Oct 2019, 3:42 pm

2ukenkerl wrote:

dragonsanddemons wrote:

Any time I might wonder if I'm actually autistic, I just need to remember that I was diagnosed as a kid, before I'd ever even heard the terms "autism" or "Asperger's" before. But I do wonder sometimes if I'm actually as autistic as I think I am or if I'm subconsciously playing it up to make it fit me better.

No offense, but females are given a LOT more tolerance before anyone will even START to suspect anything is different. I think THAT is a LARGE reason why so many more males are diagnosed. So you'll look more like you are NT than you truly are. And the bit about social acceptance? Males accept a LOT from Females, and apparently females are more open and friendly with other females, so that helps hide the social problems. Try looking at OTHER parts and see if you fit, and THEN look at the social.

Males don't tend to talk about personal problems with males unless they are REALLY bad, and even then it is generally with CLOSE friends. And the restroom is generally just a restroom.

I'm so obvious that people can tell right away that something's up with me, even if they don't know exactly what it is. I know because even if they don't say anything about it, they treat me differently. I currently have one friend and have gone stretches of literally years without any. Never felt 100% accepted or like I belonged anywhere in my life, not for more than about two minutes before I'm proven wrong. I've never been able to successfully "mask" like a lot of females with high-functioning autism do. Honestly, I feel like my autism presents itself in a more masculine way.

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26 Oct 2019, 4:06 pm

Yes. I do worry... But regardless... If it is not autism then I am a BAP with anxiety... But I would expect I am on the spectrum somewhere due to the traits I share along with the shutdown issuss I have had.

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26 Oct 2019, 5:46 pm

I went through plenty of "imposter syndrome" around the time of my diagnosis, but they were doubts about whether my behaviours indicated autism, not about whether I was conforming to notions of how an autistic person might behave. In fact, quite the opposite; I had been very conscious of these behaviours for decades before I had any idea that I might be autistic or even any clear idea what autism was, as I expended so much energy trying to suppress them; even beating myself up about them if I caught myself doing them when I was alone.

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Mountain Goat
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26 Oct 2019, 6:15 pm

Trogluddite wrote:

You were told off in school or the workplace as well? Things like my leg jumping up and down... "Look at e while I am talking to you". "Stop that!" (When I kept clicking my pen ot wrapping my fingers on the desk to dissapate nurves). I would be sitting as still as I could and I would be soo on edge trying to examine my every move just incase I accidently did something....

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Sahn
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26 Oct 2019, 6:24 pm

Cheeks wrote:

Do you ever worry that you're actually not autistic and you've just made it fit so that you had something to explain your struggles? I do, quite often.

I worry that I'm acting or "playing it up" to try explain away my weirdness or my inability to be social and on some level use it as some kind of excuse.

I think it's called "imposter syndrome" or something. Anyone else feel similarly?

Yeah, I did for a while after diagnosis last year but then some of my relatives are too so, it seems that I am.

I know what you mean though.

Yakuzamonroe
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26 Oct 2019, 6:46 pm

Diagnosed before I could remember but I can sympathize with wondering if I am or not and have been misdiagnosed.

But, no, I don't think it was a misdiagnosis. Far from it given how I act around people, the symptoms I exhibit and my social behavior.

Since, 2018, I've long accepted it, however, and, in fact, embraced it. It took a long time and it seems I'm struggling for acceptance for the sake of survival. It is NOT a smooth road to tread, however, given I've been facing a lot of discrimination in most places I've worked so far.

I do find solace in it being not my fault.

Mona Pereth
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26 Oct 2019, 7:18 pm

Trogluddite wrote:

How could your behaviors not "indicate autism," given that autism itself is officially defined in terms of behaviors? Were you just worried that you might eventually be deemed not to have quite enough of those behaviors, in quite enough of the required categories?

"Autism" is not one single condition. It's a label that probably encompasses hundreds of different neurological conditions. Until all those many conditions are a lot more precisely known than they are now, "autism" is just an arbitrarily-defined label for some of us weirdos -- a label whose exact definition changes from one edition of the DSM (or the ICD) to the next, and is interpreted differently by different practitioners.

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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 26 Oct 2019, 8:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Mona Pereth
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26 Oct 2019, 7:20 pm

Cheeks wrote:

Do you ever worry that you're actually not autistic and you've just made it fit so that you had something to explain your struggles?

No.

I've always known that I was highly unusual in many ways, both good and bad, for many reasons, of which the most fundamental were beyond my conscious control. There has never been any doubt about my overall general freakiness.

For most of my life, it never occurred to me that there would eventually be an official name for my general weirdness. I assumed it was just coincidence that I was an oddball in so many different ways.

Once I began reading up on autism in-depth at the beginning of 2018, it soon became clear to me that, even if, for whatever strange technical reason, I might turn not be classified as "autistic" according to the official definition du jour as interpreted by whatever practitioner I happened to end up seeing, I nevertheless was at least autistic-like in many ways -- and certainly and obviously so.

So, when I was finally diagnosed, I felt just a huge relief that an official opinion matched my personal reality.

dragonsanddemons
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26 Oct 2019, 7:36 pm

I feel like I'm obviously on the autism spectrum, yet at the same time I manage to not fit in even with others who are. That dissonance sometimes gets to me.

Trogluddite
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26 Oct 2019, 7:47 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:

Trogluddite wrote:

How could your behaviors not "indicate autism," given that autism itself is officially defined in terms of behaviors?

Sorry; I didn't choose my words very well! Although I did eventually relent and join WP, after autism was first informally suggested, I was wary of learning too much about it during the long wait for assessment, in case I might act out to "make it fit". I had also had several other diagnoses suggested over the years, so was somewhat dubious at first whether it was just another shot in the dark. So "around the time of" should probably have been "in the run up to".

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Mountain Goat
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26 Oct 2019, 7:53 pm

Quote:

When you are fighting an invisible monster, first throw a bucket of paint over it.

What colour paint? (Haha. I had to ask!)

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Borromeo
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26 Oct 2019, 8:17 pm

A can of checkered paint works great, and you can use the leftovers to do the trim on a taxicab!

Honestly, all joking aside, I like this thread. It's reassuring to hear from everyone that it's a common feeling--part of the autistic experience.

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SharonB
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27 Oct 2019, 7:08 am

dragonsanddemons wrote:

I feel like I'm obviously on the autism spectrum, yet at the same time I manage to not fit in even with others who are. That dissonance sometimes gets to me.

In what way don't you fit?

I'm "overly" expressive (and extroverted) for one. I am grateful there are two people in my IRL support group like that, otherwise I would feel similarly. Most of the folks in the group are less expressive (and introverted) types. Even so, I am more childish than most and wonder what my diagnosis will be (next month).

dragonsanddemons
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27 Oct 2019, 3:40 pm

SharonB wrote:

dragonsanddemons wrote:

I feel like I'm obviously on the autism spectrum, yet at the same time I manage to not fit in even with others who are. That dissonance sometimes gets to me.

I'm not really sure. I guess one way is that I'm not as high-functioning as the other people in my social skills group. While others in my social skills group are looking for or have jobs and are preparing to live on their own, I'm on SSI and looking into a supported living program. I'm also older than anyone else in the social skills group - most of them are still finishing college, while I've been done with school for five years. But then even on WP, I still don't feel like I fit in.

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