I think ''Get on with it'' is unhelpful advice

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GiantHockeyFan
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25 Nov 2019, 12:35 pm

Fnord wrote:
So what advice do you all want to receive?

Or do you all even want any advice in the first place?


Personally, I can't stand the generic clichés like "just do it!" or "get a better job/relationship/friends, etc" as if it was as easy as going to the nearest corner store. What I would like is concrete, constructive avenues to pursue. For example, as my issue is chronic underemployment, perhaps suggesting what courses I could take (something specific NOT "college") or how to leverage my more 'hidden' skills rather than useless saying like "network", which nobody has ever given me a clear definition of what exactly that means. People are quick to say I like to complain but nobody is even hinted at giving me any avenues to address my legitimate concerns.

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The saddest? When you finally realize that you have been wasting your time on someone who really does not want to "get better", but only to continue to receive attention and validation of their misery; you tell them so, and then they attack you and blame you for all of their problems, even those that existed long before you ever met them!


With my ex, she would for example complain bitterly about failing a test. I would go over it with her, come up with a lesson plan to get caught up and then learn the rest of the material step by step in a VERY manageable timeline and she would inevitably do nothing and then complain about how the world was out to get her. I even gave up my weekends to tutor her and the very first opportunity where things didn't go 100% right she took to complain how it was "impossible" when it was probably elementary school math level at most and threw away all the books I bought her. She would then complain about how she had "no time" to study when she literally did nothing all day long as she hadn't worked in months and slept more than a housecat! After a while I told her she clearly enjoys failing or she would actually make an attempt to avoid it and let's just say I am now public enemy #1 with her family. Given how well connected her father is I wonder if that doesn't contribute to my inability to get a better job in my city but I digress. I think Fnord is bang on and I will repeat do not get in a relationship with someone because you feel sorry for them or want to rescue/fix them!

I think we Aspies are a magnet for these types of people because, at least in Grade 8 the "world" (class) WAS against me through no fault of my own and I tend to project that onto others. In other words, it is almost impossible for me to understand my ex's situation because the last time I was in danger of failing an important course, I literally gave up my weeklong vacation to study!



Last edited by GiantHockeyFan on 25 Nov 2019, 1:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Joe90
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25 Nov 2019, 1:02 pm

Quote:
So what advice do you all want to receive?

Or do you all even want any advice in the first place?


Well, if you went to a therapist because you're suffering from a PTSD, would you want the therapist to say, "PTSD? Get over it!"?


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Last edited by Joe90 on 25 Nov 2019, 1:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

skibum
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25 Nov 2019, 1:02 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Many times, I've noticed, people might not be ready to implement advice AT THE MOMENT....but are able to implement it, sometimes, years later.

Many people remember someone who gave them good advice which they couldn't implement at the moment; and some of these people were irritated at the advice-giver, or perhaps even angry at the advice-giver. However, years later, upon reflection, they realized the usefulness and helpfulness of the advice.
So true. Sometimes I am that way as well. There are many times when it takes me a long time to process and put the advice together and sometimes years later is when I come to full understanding of it and follow it. But it does store in my memory bank and I pull it up when I am ready to implement it. But sometimes I have to have some other cognitive, emotional, or psychological steps that I have to do before I am able to put the advice into place and that can often take some time.


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25 Nov 2019, 1:04 pm

To Fnord because stupid captcha is blocking my response to you.

I agree. Those kind of people need help that most of us are not able to provide.


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25 Nov 2019, 1:08 pm

Joe90 wrote:
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So what advice do you all want to receive?  Or do you all even want any advice in the first place?
Well, if you went to a therapist because you're suffering from a PTSD, would you want the therapist to say, "PTSD? Get over it!"?
No, but if I want to got to a therapist because I'm suffering from a PTSD, I would not log in to a social website created for people with autism spectrum disorders and expect anyone there to help me, either.


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Last edited by Fnord on 25 Nov 2019, 1:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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25 Nov 2019, 1:08 pm

Giant Hockey Fan,
First of all, I want to tell you that I was able to attend a hockey game for the first time and other than the massive sensory overload from noise, I loved it!

Second, you mentioned your chronic underemployment which is a problem for so many of us. I was wondering, do you have any opportunities to get into the escalator maintenance business? If I remember correctly, I know that is a special interest of yours and I am guessing that not many people do that. So I am wondering if that could be a career path for you.


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25 Nov 2019, 1:10 pm

Fnord wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Quote:
So what advice do you all want to receive?  Or do you all even want any advice in the first place?
Well, if you went to a therapist because you're suffering from a PTSD, would you want the therapist to say, "PTSD? Get over it!"?
No, but if I want to got to a therapist because I'm suffering from a PTSD, I would not log in to a social website created for people with autism spectrum disorders and expect anyone there to help me, either.

Touche!! :D
Sorry, I just couldn't resist that!


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25 Nov 2019, 1:49 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
do not get in a relationship with someone because you feel sorry for them or want to rescue/fix them!

It works also the other way - if you want a relationship and you are unhappy with your life, fix your life first.
Otherwise healthy potential partners will reject you exactly because of the advice above. It's not gender-specific.

I need validation sometimes. I do post in The Haven in deeps of my depression and all I need to hear then is that it's worth living for another day.
Then I get better and I try to contribute normally (or whatever is "normal" for me ;) ).
Thanks for those who come there when I need them.


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GiantHockeyFan
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25 Nov 2019, 2:14 pm

skibum wrote:
Giant Hockey Fan,
First of all, I want to tell you that I was able to attend a hockey game for the first time and other than the massive sensory overload from noise, I loved it!

Second, you mentioned your chronic underemployment which is a problem for so many of us. I was wondering, do you have any opportunities to get into the escalator maintenance business? If I remember correctly, I know that is a special interest of yours and I am guessing that not many people do that. So I am wondering if that could be a career path for you.


Glad to hear you enjoyed hockey!

Thanks for remembering about my crazy interest. I kid you not I was actually viewing YouTube videos of someone locally who is into the same thing! Unfortunately it is prohibitively expensive to retrain (4 year program) and unless I was 100% guaranteed lifetime employment it is simply not feasible because I would need a massive, expensive loan being the sole breadwinner for my family at the moment. Yes, I am still bitter of all the people who told me that one day I would be looking down on "dropouts" such as escalator/elevator techs from my corner office because I was so intelligent. Meanwhile, those dropouts are raking in the cash because new elevators are literally being installed daily in my city and I received yet another rejection for a job that barely pays more than I make now because they get hundreds of applicants so even with my multiple post secondary degrees/diplomas I get passed over for the manager's nephew's friend. As a comparison, the tech I talked to makes double what I do and that's BEFORE the ample overtime!

Parents, encourage your children to follow their passions and not what YOU think will make them money and nothing more!, particular if they have zero interest in it. Better to be poor and happy than poor and miserable at work.

magz wrote:
It works also the other way - if you want a relationship and you are unhappy with your life, fix your life first.

There is some degree of truth to that, but that is also vague advice. What does one consider "unhappy" and what is the definition of "fix".



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25 Nov 2019, 2:19 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
magz wrote:
It works also the other way - if you want a relationship and you are unhappy with your life, fix your life first.

There is some degree of truth to that, but that is also vague advice. What does one consider "unhappy" and what is the definition of "fix".

Because it's individual, different in every case.
There are infinite possibilities of things being wrong with one's life and no panaceum.


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25 Nov 2019, 2:54 pm

chris1989 wrote:
It does annoy me when some narrow-minded and less sympathetic people tell other people who are struggling mentally and have problems in their lives and talking about it to ''get on with it''. Such was a case of someone telling me that on social media.

I am likely to get a shutdown if I am struggling through a partial shutdown while trying to get a task done and someone says that. I find those words right at the moment when I am struggling horrible because I can't answer back and if I try I shut down instead. Is not fair as I have to say nothing to avoid a shutdown. Yes, it is pyscological, I know. But those words...!



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25 Nov 2019, 4:24 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
skibum wrote:
Giant Hockey Fan,
First of all, I want to tell you that I was able to attend a hockey game for the first time and other than the massive sensory overload from noise, I loved it!

Second, you mentioned your chronic underemployment which is a problem for so many of us. I was wondering, do you have any opportunities to get into the escalator maintenance business? If I remember correctly, I know that is a special interest of yours and I am guessing that not many people do that. So I am wondering if that could be a career path for you.


Glad to hear you enjoyed hockey!

Thanks for remembering about my crazy interest. I kid you not I was actually viewing YouTube videos of someone locally who is into the same thing! Unfortunately it is prohibitively expensive to retrain (4 year program) and unless I was 100% guaranteed lifetime employment it is simply not feasible because I would need a massive, expensive loan being the sole breadwinner for my family at the moment. Yes, I am still bitter of all the people who told me that one day I would be looking down on "dropouts" such as escalator/elevator techs from my corner office because I was so intelligent. Meanwhile, those dropouts are raking in the cash because new elevators are literally being installed daily in my city and I received yet another rejection for a job that barely pays more than I make now because they get hundreds of applicants so even with my multiple post secondary degrees/diplomas I get passed over for the manager's nephew's friend. As a comparison, the tech I talked to makes double what I do and that's BEFORE the ample overtime!

Parents, encourage your children to follow their passions and not what YOU think will make them money and nothing more!, particular if they have zero interest in it. Better to be poor and happy than poor and miserable at work.

magz wrote:
It works also the other way - if you want a relationship and you are unhappy with your life, fix your life first.

There is some degree of truth to that, but that is also vague advice. What does one consider "unhappy" and what is the definition of "fix".

Wow, it's a darned shame about the cost because no one would be better at it than an Autistic person with a special interest in it. I wish there was a grant for you. I definitely agree with GHF that parents should encourage their children to follow their hearts and passions and try to find careers that suit them. Sometimes it is difficult to see where someone might find success if we only think stereotypically but when dealing with Autistics in particular, if that person has a real special interest in the subject, chances are he or she will become such an expert in it that a life sustaining career could well be in the works in that subject.


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26 Nov 2019, 4:24 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
magz wrote:
It works also the other way - if you want a relationship and you are unhappy with your life, fix your life first.

There is some degree of truth to that, but that is also vague advice. What does one consider "unhappy" and what is the definition of "fix".

After some consideration, I think I should clarify something here:
1. I didn't mean you. I think you make your choices, some heavy-hearted, with healthy mind.
2. By "unhappy with your life", I didn't mean struggling with things and not being happy all the time. That's normal. I meant being constantly depressed, often near-suicidal, ever-complaining, that kind of stuff. If in such a state one expects love to fall from heaven and rescue them, they... they is wrong. It won't happen exactly because of the advice you gave.
And I know this because I have been there.


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26 Nov 2019, 9:20 am

I do sympathize with people, because I understand that lots of members here suffer with mental health as well as autism, like depression, anxiety, bipolar and PTSD, and putting vague advice like "get over yourself" or "move on" can be harsh to a lot of us who struggle with daily life, and there is nothing wrong with getting things off one's chest. I have an anxiety disorder which means I overthink, so some situations can make me feel really anxious what might not sound very problematic to others. You need to remember that autism can also make one think differently so everyday situations can be challenging to some, and nobody should be made to feel bad for posting our thoughts and feelings on life on an autism site.

The only time I have ever felt unsympathetic here was when this guy kept on posting about how ugly he thinks he is, and I don't know what replies he expected because if you put positive things he just wrote "why do you lie? I am ugly and useless, don't try to make me think I'm not", and if you put something negative (like agreeing with him) he attacked you and said that you hurt his feelings. So he wasn't worth sympathizing with.


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26 Nov 2019, 9:31 am

Joe90 wrote:
... The only time I have ever felt unsympathetic here was when this guy kept on posting about how ugly he thinks he is, and I don't know what replies he expected because if you put positive things he just wrote "why do you lie?  I am ugly and useless, don't try to make me think I'm not", and if you put something negative (like agreeing with him) he attacked you and said that you hurt his feelings.  So he wasn't worth sympathizing with.
He was likely just looking for attention or playing the "Martyr Card" -- maybe both.  Either way, it's a win-win situation for people like that on every website I visit, since they receive the attention they seek AND they get away with attacking others due to overly-sympathetic moderators.  I suspect that some of them may actually be well off, but that they may also get some kind of thrill from manipulating members and moderators of various websites to feel sorry for them.


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26 Nov 2019, 9:54 am

Joe90 wrote:
Quote:
So what advice do you all want to receive?

Or do you all even want any advice in the first place?


Well, if you went to a therapist because you're suffering from a PTSD, would you want the therapist to say, "PTSD? Get over it!"?


I don't think Fnord means any harm . It's just an area he's seems to have a definite cognitive deficit about .


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