I think ''Get on with it'' is unhelpful advice

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chris1989
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23 Nov 2019, 1:39 pm

It does annoy me when some narrow-minded and less sympathetic people tell other people who are struggling mentally and have problems in their lives and talking about it to ''get on with it''. Such was a case of someone telling me that on social media.



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23 Nov 2019, 3:04 pm

On it's own, yeah. Everyone tends to know that they need to "get on with it" if they want something to change, but the problem is that they usually don't know where to start and/or how. Then again, I can understand if people get frustrated (I know I do) if the same person complains about the same thing over and over again despite having gotten a lot of advice for it and those who have given the advice say "get on with it."



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23 Nov 2019, 4:10 pm

Unfortunately, there are things that we struggle with that are not easily changed and some that cannot change unless all of society changes. And some of these things we struggle with on a daily basis. I understand that people get tired of hearing us talk about them but those same people also have to realize that the only way that things will change for us is if they help change the way that we are perceived and treated. I understand why they tell us to get on with it but it's really not fair. We can't get on with it unless they make major changes as well. So maybe they should get on with it.


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LoveNotHate
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23 Nov 2019, 4:47 pm

Everyday is hard.

I wish I could "accept autism" and "move on".

My escapes are hyper-focusing on something, or sleeping, and those only last a while.

I don't know I am suppose to "go on with autism"?


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skibum
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24 Nov 2019, 1:53 pm

LoveNotHate wrote:
Everyday is hard.

I wish I could "accept autism" and "move on".

My escapes are hyper-focusing on something, or sleeping, and those only last a while.

I don't know I am suppose to "go on with autism"?
Apparently! Honestly, we don't have a choice if we choose to keep staying alive. So it makes it doubly rude when people tell us that.


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24 Nov 2019, 2:37 pm

Oh yes, it's completely unhelpful.
Do I give it? Tell me if I do.


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25 Nov 2019, 7:52 am

It is bad advice, as well as "get over it" and "wish I had your problems". Bea Arthur used to say these in her posts and it often made some of us (including me) feel belittled. I don't take harsh logic very well. I'm an emotional being and I look at the world in an emotional way.


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25 Nov 2019, 9:23 am

Joe90 wrote:
It is bad advice, as well as "get over it" and "wish I had your problems". Bea Arthur used to say these in her posts and it often made some of us (including me) feel belittled. I don't take harsh logic very well. I'm an emotional being and I look at the world in an emotional way.
Those kinds of comments are extremely invalidating.


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Fnord
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25 Nov 2019, 9:44 am

So what advice do you all want to receive?

Or do you all even want any advice in the first place?


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25 Nov 2019, 9:49 am

skibum wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
It is bad advice, as well as "get over it" and "wish I had your problems". Bea Arthur used to say these in her posts and it often made some of us (including me) feel belittled. I don't take harsh logic very well. I'm an emotional being and I look at the world in an emotional way.
Those kinds of comments are extremely invalidating.


Agreed, though I'm rather convinced that most people at least think that way when someone complains of a problem they have that feels very small to them. I know I do. Still, the post isn't really the right place to complain about it, especially if it's in the haven.

Quote:
So what advice do you all want to receive?

Or do you all even want any advice in the first place?


I'm only speaking for me here, but personally I'd want concrete advice on how to "get on with it." Most of us (?) know when we need a kick in the rear and start doing stuff, but we often don't know how, so we need some concrete exambles. One can be strict when giving them (in my opinion at last), but must remember manners. Also, when someone doesn't get what you're saying, either try to clarify or drop it. Don't say stuff like "you should be able to understand this"; that's not helpful.

But again, only speaking on my own behalf here.



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25 Nov 2019, 9:56 am

If I tell you, Chris, that there's "no use in thinking that going to bars and clubs is the only way to meet girls," I'm not telling you to "get on with it."

I'm actually stating a fact, based upon my own life. I've only met one girl in a bar/club----and we didn't hit it off. I'm 58 years old, and I've had quite a few relationships. I either met people "through friends," or I met people on my job.

I just don't believe that bars and clubs are ideal places for autistic folks to meet people. It's certainly not ideal for me.



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25 Nov 2019, 9:58 am

Fnord wrote:
So what advice do you all want to receive?

Or do you all even want any advice in the first place?

Advice of all kinds is welcome, even bad advice, snarky comments that do nothing but invalidate are not. People can give wrong or even bad advice from a well intended and good heart. If the advice just happens to be wrong, that is ok because others can correct it or give different advice. But just saying mean invalidating statements does nothing to help. It's just mean.


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25 Nov 2019, 10:12 am

One of the sad parts of giving advice is realizing that the person you have been advising is more interested in the attention you've been giving them than in any advice and direction.  Most people claiming to want advice are really just looking for someone to validate their complaints, thus giving them tacit approval for their associated hatred and anti-social behavior.

A sadder part is when you have laid out a detailed plan that has worked for countless other people in similar situations, only for the person you've advised to tell you that what has worked for countless others could not possibly work for them because of some obscure event they attribute to 'luck'.

The saddest?  When you finally realize that you have been wasting your time on someone who really does not want to "get better", but only to continue to receive attention and validation of their misery; you tell them so, and then they attack you and blame you for all of their problems, even those that existed long before you ever met them!

Take my ex-wife (please!). We met when we were both about 20.  I felt sympathy for her and we started dating (Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!).  10 years later, she was throwing things at me and blaming me for the death of her father when she was 13.  She never wanted professional therapy because "only crazy-sick people do that".  Instead, she would get into one of her manic phases and keep me up all night crying and complaining about how her mom ignored her, her step-dad was mean to her, how no one at school liked her, and how it was all my fault because a "real man" would know how to make it all go away and make her feel better.

Very sad case, she was.  I hear she's now showing the first signs of dementia.  I hope she forgets all about me.


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25 Nov 2019, 10:38 am

That is very sad about your ex wife. She definitely has legitimate issues that she needs help with. I remember a few years ago, you also mentioned that she has Munchhausen. That is very sad.

I understand what you are saying about advice. I can see your perspective and I appreciate and respect it. For me, though, I never think it a waste of time and I am ok if people don't take the advice. I also understand that sometimes, even if they are not ready to follow the advice, just the sheer validation is very helpful to them as it sometimes is to me. I am not a person who seeks attention, I actually kind of cower from it sometimes but sometimes the validation of what I am going through is so helpful because it gives me courage that I did not have before. It is only then that I can start to have the strength to look for options and solutions. But sometimes it takes time because I can be very weak. So when people are able to understand and be patient and work with me where I am, it really helps and eventually the solution comes in time. But I am always grateful for the help even if it is just a validation.

I don't think people should just seek attention but it they are, they also need help because they are insecure. So as I see it, I try not to judge too harshly but I try to understand what is causing people to respond the way that they do and I try to work with them from wherever they are. But I also understand that not everyone is like me and that is ok too.


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25 Nov 2019, 10:43 am

Many times, I've noticed, people might not be ready to implement advice AT THE MOMENT....but are able to implement it, sometimes, years later.

Many people remember someone who gave them good advice which they couldn't implement at the moment; and some of these people were irritated at the advice-giver, or perhaps even angry at the advice-giver. However, years later, upon reflection, they realized the usefulness and helpfulness of the advice.



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25 Nov 2019, 10:56 am

Advice doesn't work on chronic complainers* -- those people for whom nothing is ever good enough, and for whom everything and everyone provides them with nothing but misery and disappointment.  They seem to draw all of the light and warmth out of a party the moment they show up, and drive away anyone who might be able to help them wherever they go.  The best way to deal with such people is to completely ignore them, and eventually they will go away.  Then you can get on with your own life unimpeded.

:nerdy: (*Also known as: "Attention whores", "Life-leeches", "Mind-sucks", and other negative epithets.)


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