Is it Aspergers or anxiety and depression why I struggle?

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funeralxempire
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15 Dec 2019, 2:08 pm

Marknis wrote:
I wish I could write songs (and, of course, play them if I was part of a band) as well as books, draw comics/manga, have an easier time making friends, and be able to finally find love even if I have to start things off with a coffee date.


Why can't you write songs?

Being part of a band might make playing songs live easier, but not having a band won't prevent you from writing or recording songs on your own. Audacity and some sort of sampler/sequencer/synth software like FL Studio would make writing/composing/arranging/recording/production easier.

You might be like me in this regard, where the sheer volume of ideas you have to express is overwhelming and distracts from actually getting a portion of those ideas out and expressed to share with others. When I'm able to make things work (rarely) it's because I pick one that's fairly complete and get it out while it's fresh and the ambition is there, otherwise you just go back to feeling defeated and overwhelmed.


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Marknis
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19 Dec 2019, 2:39 pm

SharonB wrote:
Ironically, you have lots of "material" for songs... I remember when I was in another yet crisis during my medical hardship and my AS-like BFF said, "This will be great for your book!" And she wasn't wrong. My frame of mind (in my 40s) is now … I will write the book (most likely), all in good time. At your age it was more "now or never" - and a whole lot of things felt like they weren't "now" (if you get my drift --- like some flotsam on the high seas).

One might predict you will find your love at an usual place, but the irony is it could very well be in a coffee shop, but perhaps in a completely different way (e.g. a dropped muffin). My BFF and I (sadly) found our guys by "getting out there". My sister forced me and my BFF forced herself. We were just talking about it this weekend. A co-worker invited her over that night and my BFF had arranged to go to a "mingling" and didn't want to go and much preferred the movie at her co-worker's, but my BFF told herself she HAD TO go and did. And her life went in an unexpected direction. It's not pleasant. It's possible.


I just can’t get any of this “material” out of my head. It’s like it gets stuck and then pulled back whenever I try to get it out. Both the mental and physical processes are daunting.



SharonB
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19 Dec 2019, 5:51 pm

Friendly teasing: If you're going to write your book "Growing up in the Vile Belt" you'll need to have a next Chapter, whatever it may be. Chapter 9... Chapter 8 can't take up the whole book. :heart:



Joe90
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19 Dec 2019, 6:30 pm

Anxiety is my main problem and often becomes a barrier of achieving some goals. I can't work in public places because interacting with the general public makes me clam up and I have difficulties being in authority. If I know a customer is upset but solving their issue will go against the company's policies (for example they want a refund on a non-returnable item), the fact that they're upset will make me so upset myself that I'll end up breaking the policy just to make them happy. And that could cost me my job.

Also anxiety is stopping me from having children, because of my severely low pain tolerance (childbirth), severe phobia of sickness (morning sickness then my child picking up stomach bugs), and fears of passing on my autism or ADHD to my child, which is more likely than the average NT because I have it myself.

Also my fears and anxieties stop me from having fun. I don't drink because of anxiety about embarrassing myself or having a hangover. I can't swim well because I'm scared of drowning (it's nearly happened before). I can't go on rides any more because of my poor balance, which makes me anxious about throwing up. I can't have sex properly because it seems to severely hurt.

These sorts of anxiety issues are hardwired into my brain and cannot be "cured" by medication, particularly being hypersensitive to pain.


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Marknis
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18 Feb 2020, 12:53 pm

I thought I hadn’t posted a topic asking the question in the title but looked through my posts to make sure.



goatfish57
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18 Feb 2020, 2:56 pm

Life can be difficult, especially when we are faced with an extra burden to carry. Anxiety and depression have been with me for as long as I can remember. I had a GP who would blame my physical pain on depression. That drove me nuts, pain and depression go hand in hand. Each feeding off the other. In the end, I just kept the pain to myself.

I hope you find some peace with the world you live in. It is a tall order and I wish you luck.

A totally off-topic comment, I've been reading books from the 1930s. One, "Native Son" by Richard Wright talked about how shame and guilt can be expressed as hatred. Other authors also made the same point as they described the turmoil in the early 1900s. The realization that hate from self-loathing was common behavior changed the way I saw conflicts that have plagued me. It is not always my fault that someone hates me, sometimes it is a reaction to their own bad behavior.


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CockneyRebel
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19 Feb 2020, 12:04 am

I think that you suffer from depression and anxiety.


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Marknis
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28 Feb 2020, 1:06 pm

Marknis wrote:
I didn’t know I had Aspergers until I was 17. Before then, I felt like I was the only one suffering from obsessive thoughts, being left out of social interaction, and would always be in my older brother’s shadow. I am still in his shadow since he’s married, has children, and has a business that is constantly making waves.

I am 31 and I still can’t get a coffee date, the opportunities for becoming a father are decreasing all the time, and I work for others instead of myself. Why was I even born?


I still feel like this.