ashamed of being 30, single, no own home. Should I be?

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chris1989
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17 Jan 2020, 1:47 pm

I have this perception that to a lot of people, when you are thirty you maybe are married to someone you were dating 3 or 5 years, start a family, have your own house and being at the height of a career and so on. I've been working but none of the other things and I feel like I have this self imposed pressure and lacking interest in changing routine telling me I ought to start thinking of these things sooner rather than later otherwise I may never will over thirty-five and stop having too much free time doing what I like and enjoy on my own. I seem to think someone like my dad might say that to me even though he hasn't really. I seem to think those now in their late and mid 20s have more time to think about the stuff I mentioned at 30 and I have less time because I don't feel the age and it feels like I'm 25 in a 30 year old body.



Joe90
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17 Jan 2020, 3:05 pm

These days a lot of NTs live with their parents because they can't afford to move out. Even some council flats can cost up to £800 a month, which I think is so greedy of the UK society. So don't feel too ashamed about living with your parents. At least you have a roof over your head.

My NT cousin is 30 and has never moved out of her parents house. She has a car and a job but not a boyfriend.

Hopefully knowing that might make you feel better, if you know what I mean.


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AprilR
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17 Jan 2020, 3:18 pm

I don't think you should have a relationship just because there's a societal pressure. I used to feel like this a couple years ago since getting married and having children is considered like a woman's duty where i live but literally the people i've met were lacking in so many ways there was no chance that i could ever marry them.
It would literally ruin my life to have a relationship with them and god forbid marrying them.
I think to be stuck in a relationship with the wrong person is much worse than being single. And i can' t say my married friends are happy with their lives, in fact they plainly told me that they're envious of me.



Karamazov
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17 Jan 2020, 5:03 pm

AprilR wrote:
I think to be stuck in a relationship with the wrong person is much worse than being single.


Definitely my experience, spent most of my twenties in a relationship where both of us were bad for the other: after that being alone & unemployed in a little rented flat was sweet relief!

I know two NT couples who have divorced in their thirties with little children: in both cases the relationships had got so toxic that it was the least worst option from the point of view of having a stable environment for small humans to develop in.

Ultimately a relationship can’t solve any of our problems, only change the context within which we grapple with them.
Not necessarily for the better.
And that’s a human thing not an AS thing.



kraftiekortie
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17 Jan 2020, 8:01 pm

Being 25 in a 30-year-old body is not bad at all.

I'm about 25 in a 59-year-old's body.

Are you able to save money on your job's salary?



BTDT
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17 Jan 2020, 8:19 pm

No relationship until my mid 30s. Bought a house in my late 30s. Paid off the mortgage before I was 50. :D



Mountain Goat
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17 Jan 2020, 8:43 pm

Do what is most appropiate to do in your circumstances. But while you are single, just enjoy with no pressure.
Yes put a bit by each week if you can. But don't be a mizer too much! Get joy from life while you can, so spend a little on happiness.
And if you can save a little at a time as well, and the right lady comes along... Or if your savings mount up to be enough for a house... Then consider a house...
Also, keep an eye on houseprices. During times of war, or during times of uncertanty, house prices fall. For example, during the Gulf War and the Iraq war the UK house prices were low. After the Iraq war was over, stability began and house prices doubled in just a few weeks, and then a year or two later, house prices doubled again!
So if you have money saved when times are uncertain and there maybe war looming etc... Prices may fall enough so you can buy a house outright!


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Mountain Goat
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17 Jan 2020, 8:46 pm

Also consider. If you find a nice lady and marry, then is the time to get a house as there are two of you to take responsibility and two of you to pay the bills. It does make a difference!


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Fireblossom
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17 Jan 2020, 11:27 pm

Ashamed? No, you shouldn't be. It's true that on average, people start buying their own places, getting married and such around your age, but so what? Everyone's different of the average in some way.

The real question is if you are happy with the way things are now. If not, start doing something that will change things, anything really.



Joe90
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18 Jan 2020, 10:24 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
Do what is most appropiate to do in your circumstances. But while you are single, just enjoy with no pressure.
Yes put a bit by each week if you can. But don't be a mizer too much! Get joy from life while you can, so spend a little on happiness.
And if you can save a little at a time as well, and the right lady comes along... Or if your savings mount up to be enough for a house... Then consider a house...
Also, keep an eye on houseprices. During times of war, or during times of uncertanty, house prices fall. For example, during the Gulf War and the Iraq war the UK house prices were low. After the Iraq war was over, stability began and house prices doubled in just a few weeks, and then a year or two later, house prices doubled again!
So if you have money saved when times are uncertain and there maybe war looming etc... Prices may fall enough so you can buy a house outright!


Um, may I just add that if there was another war nobody will be buying any houses because all of humanity will be wiped out by these nuclear bombs.


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Dear_one
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18 Jan 2020, 11:46 pm

Here's what was popular as a poster when I was 20. I never worried about 30 after taking it to heart.

Desiderata

GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

By Max Ehrmann © 1927
GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

By Max Ehrmann © 1927



Sweetleaf
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19 Jan 2020, 12:10 am

No you should not be ashamed. I'm 30 and my boyfriends nearly 35, we're just renting an apartment. I only have a part time job but also get disability still and he does have a full time job but its just a job to him...not like a career thing he is trying to advance if he found a job with less hours that paid enough he'd probably do that instead.

We would certainly like a house, but yeah hard to afford that...so for now its apartment living for us.


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Hollywood_Guy
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22 Jan 2020, 2:40 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
Do what is most appropiate to do in your circumstances. But while you are single, just enjoy with no pressure.
Yes put a bit by each week if you can. But don't be a mizer too much! Get joy from life while you can, so spend a little on happiness.
And if you can save a little at a time as well, and the right lady comes along... Or if your savings mount up to be enough for a house... Then consider a house...
Also, keep an eye on houseprices. During times of war, or during times of uncertanty, house prices fall. For example, during the Gulf War and the Iraq war the UK house prices were low. After the Iraq war was over, stability began and house prices doubled in just a few weeks, and then a year or two later, house prices doubled again!
So if you have money saved when times are uncertain and there maybe war looming etc... Prices may fall enough so you can buy a house outright!


Um, may I just add that if there was another war nobody will be buying any houses because all of humanity will be wiped out by these nuclear bombs.


I know that's really horrible. One of the scary downsides of being young today in the modern era.



Joe90
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22 Jan 2020, 3:38 pm

Hollywood_Guy wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
Do what is most appropiate to do in your circumstances. But while you are single, just enjoy with no pressure.
Yes put a bit by each week if you can. But don't be a mizer too much! Get joy from life while you can, so spend a little on happiness.
And if you can save a little at a time as well, and the right lady comes along... Or if your savings mount up to be enough for a house... Then consider a house...
Also, keep an eye on houseprices. During times of war, or during times of uncertanty, house prices fall. For example, during the Gulf War and the Iraq war the UK house prices were low. After the Iraq war was over, stability began and house prices doubled in just a few weeks, and then a year or two later, house prices doubled again!
So if you have money saved when times are uncertain and there maybe war looming etc... Prices may fall enough so you can buy a house outright!


Um, may I just add that if there was another war nobody will be buying any houses because all of humanity will be wiped out by these nuclear bombs.


I know that's really horrible. One of the scary downsides of being young today in the modern era.


It scares me s**t. I sometimes have nightmares about it, where the nuclear attack has been broadcasted and I'm just sitting with my family waiting to die. It's awful. Why do some governments in this world put people through all this scare? And it's not just people they're going to wipe out - think of all the animals and everything. It's not their fault society can't live in peace and think a war can be won by wiping the whole planet dead.


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