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Dear_one
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11 Mar 2020, 6:00 pm

^^ I learned through hard experience that men have a much harder time getting help than women, particularly if we are emotionally upset. Be sure to get advice written for your own gender to avoid disaster.



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11 Mar 2020, 6:15 pm

I accept that that may have indeed been your personal experience, though there is an abundance of robust scientific evidence that gender discrimination affects the diagnosing and treatment of women, and is a much bigger issue. This should not surprise us, even in these so-called more enlightened times, given the patriarchal dominance that is woven into medical systems. Still.

For example, even though more women die of heart conditions than men, men are prioritised and recognised far more readily when they present with the same complaints eg angina. The women are labelled "anxious" very often and some do go home and die of heart attacks and related conditions. So for women who are also AS, it can be perilous and challenging.

For women who are interested in this specific issue of women with heart issues, I highly recommend the blog "Heart Sisters" which has very well researched information and very clearly describes the disparities of gender bias against women with heart conditions - as just one example of a gender bias problem that is far more pervasive throughout the medical system.



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11 Mar 2020, 6:30 pm

^^ That is one issue. Men die younger, yet get only half as much medical attention overall. Canada just had a huge study of missing and murdered indigenous women and girls, while completely ignoring twice as many men and boys. Men are expendable. Women even found the Titanic a relatively safe experience.



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11 Mar 2020, 6:55 pm

In 1996 I quit my job due to stress. I got more and more isolated and although there was talk about it nobody said anything directly to me. Turns out I had hypercalcemia which causes calcium to go throughout your system so electrical impulses don't get through. I was getting dumber and less involved in life and it was my dentist that "saved me" in 1997. I had high blood pressure and she insisted I look into it and they found I had high PTH levels. A minor surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumour.
Point is no one thought much of my isolation. They knew I didn't do friends and only see family on my terms. I always worked but otherwise am in isolation a lot. I'm outside often but on my own. I could have died easily, fallen into a coma. The only reason I am alive today is due to my dentist and her follow up insistence.
A long recovery and finally able to work in 2019. Family joked about "the cat lady" and "finding my body", my boys even had a meeting about me but nobody forced me to see a doctor. They thought I was depressed, and I made up stuff to show I wasn't.

I LEARNED THAT I NEED PEOPLE!! I started researching about aspergers and finding solutions and workarounds to issues I have. I make an honest effort to be more (long term) friendly now. Technically I have friends but I know as soon as I don't see them more than a few days I practically forget about them. With practice maybe I can change that. I also moved closer to family (was in a different city before - only an hour away but still an excuse not to visit often). Now I live down the street (haha I still only visit once a week - and I have a grandson who I'm crazy about!).



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11 Mar 2020, 10:19 pm

Aspergers isn't deadly. Not literally.

But it can definitely more deadly to the weak-willed, unsupported, unaccommodated, overly vulnerable, 'isolated', unprivileged, deprived, imbalanced/unstable and the unenlightened.

There are numerous reasons a person either commits or deals with forms self negligence or worse.
Or, simply management as something one deems as out-of-reach for any reason -- that includes vulnerability and lacking resources.



I live in a culture where one isn't allowed to be sick for they cannot afford such 'luxury'. Where it matters not with neurology or gender -- only means and access, haves and not haves from where I'm from.
So I abide with such saying. I cannot afford my autism to be 'deadly' -- can never afford to be sickly and I happened to have the personal means for that. :skull:


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B19
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11 Mar 2020, 10:34 pm

As the OP isn't talking about emigrating, your post may not be very helpful to him.

Also, I would like you to know that social exclusion and marginalisation are probably very real for the OP, and not his choice nor his fault. AS people are very widely marginalised in social and cultural ways for reasons that far beyond "their own fault".

This General Autism Forum is a part of a support forum, and for an OP in this particular degree of need, please try to be supportive and a bit sensitive in your advice or give it a miss in threads like this, as thoughtless comments can trigger people into deeper depression and increase their sense of isolation, which is not good.



I love belko61
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13 Mar 2020, 8:19 pm

(Just reading any new posts and I was in the wrong decade! Quit work in 2015 (said 1996) - it didn't take me 13.5 years to recover! I was still in a really bad situation all the same.)



Last edited by I love belko61 on 13 Mar 2020, 11:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I love belko61
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13 Mar 2020, 9:01 pm

Wanted to add...my awkwardness, anxiety, monotone voice, inability to look at someone etc all lessened as I got older because even when I was uncomfortable I (occasionally) would go to a party, talk to a stranger, get a job etc. You're never too old to modify your behaviour - baby steps.
I used to quit my job whenever things got dicey - eventually I got more flexible. Many of my problems got less severe when I got my front teeth replaced with a bridge. I started laughing (instead of covering my mouth) and was more approachable and got more practice talking to people. I remember being amazed that strangers would start a conversation with me for no reason, it helped a lot!
I find I enjoy the feedback, although I still limit my exposure to people. It doesn't solve everything but life does get easier. Even if it's superficial you feel somewhat connected and it reduces your stress. then you can take another step. I used to think every new situation was scary, not anymore. Most people are ok, even if they do see that you're eccentric or whatever way they want to spin it.
One way that I weed out people who would make me uncomfortable is to say something strange or controversial right from the start. If they react badly I know right away not to waste my energy. A lot of people will automatically lower their guard and respond with something weird too. Kindred spirits. You don't need to make friends, just be friendly and fill some time.
Fear of being reprimanded or being found out or whatever eventually almost fully goes away as you become less set in your ways. But it was a slow process for me, and our situations are not the same. I don't relate to a lot of what goes on but I learned to smile and nod and make idle chit chat. Because some moments are good moments and they make me happy.



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13 Mar 2020, 9:15 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
What we need is to create a much better-developed autistic community than now exists. Then we'll be able to find friends among people who truly understand us, and with whom we can create alternative extended families.

Aspergers per se is not what's deadly. What is deadly is being Aspie/autistic in the absence of a sufficiently well-developed Aspie/autistic subculture that can help us build the genuine friendship networks we need.


And not just NT's. I personally wish I had a good solid friend group of others with ASD on a similar functioning level to myself. A group that didn't unnecessary patronize me.



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13 Mar 2020, 9:25 pm

Not trying to be patronizing, sorry. I can't take advice from anyone no matter what the source. I have my own pace and it used to take years from the start of an idea before I implement it. I'm just saying that if you are so inclined you can start to reach out.



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14 Mar 2020, 2:40 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
<snip>

We, as a community, need to find ways for autistic people to find and make friends with compatible, autistic-friendly people, on our own terms.

Trying to blend in with NT's just doesn't cut it as a way for us to find real friends.


I think I've had one Aspie friend, but neither of us knew it at the time. Usually, I'm with artistic or otherwise eccentric NTs, trying to use them as a buffer with the rest. I think my own nature limits the "reality" of my friendships. I never find very much in one place, however intense one aspect can be. I keep hoping to find better matches, but don't even get much exposure these days.

However, I also hear complaints from NT youth these days about their lack of real friends, and even their inability to converse normally face to face.

One silver lining for us is that the withdrawn lifestyle is now considered super - healthy for the duration of the Covid 19 period.



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14 Mar 2020, 6:15 am

"can", "should" and. "will" are all different things

Everyone, neurotypical and autistic, will drop dead sooner or later

All things equal, autistics are more vulnerable than neurotypicals

Based on the Wrong Planet, it appears to me that, a disproportionate number of autistics:

Unemployed or underemployed (financial)
Few friends (social)
Clinical depression (emotional)

But every situation is different

Some neurotypical have medical, financial, legal, social, emotional problems



Autism is :skull: not :ninja: survival of the fittest :D



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14 Mar 2020, 6:40 am

this is a very important thread, Mona makes very good points here in fact just about every single post on this thread is quite vital , i think to surviving with autism ..

Would be nice to build somekind of network for people are borderline isolationist, whether intentionally or not . some sort of ground up development of these things .. And ways to possibly validate a Altruistic method to employ these ideas . Specifically for Autistic spectrum persons.


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