Living In Fear Of Being "Discovered".

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Mountain Goat
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16 Apr 2021, 5:32 pm

For most of my life I have had a fear. A fear that I did not know how to describe until recently when I found out about autism.
A fear of being "Discovered". But I could not put into words or thoughts/feelings what being "Discovered" was.
Part of the jigsaw pieces fitted into place just before I joined this site, and part fit into place today. (I believe there are more pieces to come).

The past discovery that slotted into place was masking. I realized that part if this fear of being discovered was my masking... Fear of being unmasked and discovered. I felt and used to think to myself "If only they knew the "Real" me" but even I did not know what the real me actually was as I knew I was masking but I did not know there is a nme for it, and when I watched a Youtube film that a lady put on about masking, at first there was something familiar in what she said... But it took me a while to think things out and I discovered that I masked!
It is wierd to realize that what one did was a "Thing" which I used to reason to myself that everyone did, but the popular kids I was with at school could do it really well, and I used to marvel at how well they did it, and it was not working so well for me? It never occurred to me that the masking that I did was not something that everyone does! And relating to this is something that some think is "Odd" but I hated doing drama and acting. I was always trying to get out of my mask, and acting meant putting a heavy burden of far more masks on top of me and it made me feel... Well... I just could not do it. And yet I was masking ll the time which is putting on an act. But deep down who is the real me? God knows that! And before anyone that knows me thinks I am pretending to be someone else, it is not that kind of acting. My character is the same. The acting comes in a few ways, but one way is changing my moods to mirror the situation that I am in when I am in a social setting. I will "Appear" to be happy and fun when I can be deeply depressed and no one knows! I will "Appear" to be calm when deep down I am petrified. I will "Appear" to be "Normal" when deep down, without this act I am one who would stand out a mile! It feels like I am "Hiding".

But another piece came into play this evening. Another jigsaw piece slotted into place which joins into this masking piece, and that is stimming.
When I was very young, stimming was less noticeablw because all kids will rock or do something which adults will find annoying, so they will start to "Correct" such behaviour. I grew up when kids were smacked, so we were smacked by teachers and our parents. My parents did smack me is I was naughty, and I did have my naughty moments (Though I was dead quiet in school), but if I was doing some annoying stim, all they did was tell me to stop and that was enough (So I was rarely smacked at home because the telling me not to was enough. For me the difficulty was that I have had a history of stopping one stim and another stim appearing instead!) But at home it was less of a problem because as long as my stimming was not seen as childish, and my Mum stimms even though it is classed as "Adult stimming". So my stimms became stimms which were more acceptable...
Except when they annoyed teachers. I was petrified that my stimming would be discovered, and though while doing them I would not be thinking, once "Caught out" and told off I would be in real fear and my schoolwork was the last thing on my mind, as I was monitoring every single move that my body made which was mentally exhausting! And then I would be told off for not paying attention and worst of all it would be the torture when being told "Look at me when I am talking to you!" I would fall to pieces inside when told that! No way could I look AND answer questions or talk!

But anyway... Does what I write make sense about the fear of being discovered? Is it an autism thing? Or does everyone have this? I even have it as an adult though I now understand what it is.

I do not know how to unmask, but the moments that I do... If I can't keep the masking up in public due to the effects of burnout, I feel NAKED. I put that in bold capitals because that is how I feel! I try to run somewhere to be on my own so I am not seen.
But the times I am on my own or with an immediate family member that I feel safe to "Open up" around, I let off my guard and unmask... BUT, I can't do it if everything is busy, and I can't do it out of choice. I have been masking for soo long now that I do not know "How" to fully unmask.

But can anyone relate to what I say about the fear of being "Discovered"? Over to you to reply.....!


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IsabellaLinton
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16 Apr 2021, 5:42 pm

I lost the ability and energy to mask when I had my first stroke. The piece of my cerebellum that concerned itself with the nuance of public opinion was suddenly broken. Many people have commented that my personality changed dramatically that day in 2015. I have no filter anymore. It's been good for me emotionally and mentally because I don't hide any of my personality or my traits, but it's caused a few problems when I can't stop a meltdown or I can't stop stimming in public.

I don't go about telling everyone I'm autistic, but I act like my authentic self. They can figure it out if they want to know more, because it's not my place to educate the world like an autism-evangelist unless I know the people well, and feel safe about their response.

I think it's normal for you to feel the way you do. In my case I call that fear of exposure "Agoraphobia" and "Scopophobia" since I don't want to be seen by anyone, and I don't want to leave the comfort of my home. When visitors come to my home I'm known to hide in my bedroom with the door locked and not even venture out for food or the loo. I feel "naked" like you said. Mine is partly from autism but also from Scopophobia.



Mountain Goat
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16 Apr 2021, 5:48 pm

When I had my last burnout I was glitching between masking and unmasking, and I was like a young child when I unmasked, and I worked it out why. I was mentally going back to the days before I started masking when I unmasked!

I know it sounds strange, but it was happening to me.


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IsabellaLinton
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16 Apr 2021, 5:52 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
When I had my last burnout I was glitching between masking and unmasking, and I was like a young child when I unmasked, and I worked it out why. I was mentally going back to the days before I started masking when I unmasked!

I know it sounds strange, but it was happening to me.


I act like a young child all the time. I feel like I never got older than 13-14 socially or emotionally, so I carry the insecurities of an adolescent whether I'm alone or with others. My comfort stims are also very childlike: I use mannerisms from toddlerhood up to about age 8 or 10. I'm also very comforted by watching tv shows from childhood, like The Flintstones. Just the sound of the background music is like an elixir for me. You're likely right that it's a pre-masking escape but at least in my case, that's where I am emotionally.



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16 Apr 2021, 5:56 pm

Scopophobia - that's exactly the word I have been describing about myself for the last 12 years, but I've never heard of the word until a few seconds ago when I read Isabella's post! :lol:

Not so much now but when I was younger (in my early 20s) I got so sensitive and self-conscious about people staring at me in public places all the time. If you read my old posts from about 8 or 9 years ago you'll see that I was suffering with severe social anxiety and often posted about people staring at me in public places.
But venting about my Scopophobia on an autism site just fed my Scopophobia even more, because people here either assumed that I was doing something weird that I was unaware of, or they'd say that NTs are more or less psychics that can see you are different no matter how normal you look and will stare at you. It drove me crazy with anxiety and self-hatred. These days I don't feel like I'm stared at so much when I'm out in public but I still dislike being stared at if it's another woman.

I apologise for this post being all about me but I just had to post this. :heart:


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IsabellaLinton
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16 Apr 2021, 6:07 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Scopophobia - that's exactly the word I have been describing about myself for the last 12 years, but I've never heard of the word until a few seconds ago when I read Isabella's post! :lol:

Not so much now but when I was younger (in my early 20s) I got so sensitive and self-conscious about people staring at me in public places all the time. If you read my old posts from about 8 or 9 years ago you'll see that I was suffering with severe social anxiety and often posted about people staring at me in public places.
But venting about my Scopophobia on an autism site just fed my Scopophobia even more, because people here either assumed that I was doing something weird that I was unaware of, or they'd say that NTs are more or less psychics that can see you are different no matter how normal you look and will stare at you. It drove me crazy with anxiety and self-hatred. These days I don't feel like I'm stared at so much when I'm out in public but I still dislike being stared at if it's another woman.

I apologise for this post being all about me but I just had to post this. :heart:


https://www.healthline.com/health/scopophobia#anxiety

Scopophobia info ^

I'm the same way Joe. It's not just about people "staring". In my case I don't want people to look at me at all. I want to be invisible. I don't want to be seen, period. That also includes things like, I won't place or answer a phone call if anyone else is in the room because I don't want to be overheard. I have a strict need for privacy. I feel "naked" just putting the bins out once a week and I will only do it once the sun has set and it's pitch dark. That's another part of the reason why I hate spring and daylight savings with the longer days and more sunlight.

If I could wear an invisible cloak I'd be fine, but otherwise I'd just as soon not be visible to anyone ever. I've always felt this way. I'm a good looking person and it's not about body image or my "autism-ness", it's a pure phobia. I always thought it was "just" Agoraphobia until my therapist pointed out that I have the same anxiety even when I'm in the privacy of my home. I hide from the pizza delivery person, from visitors, or from anyone looking at me. Zoom has been kind of catastrophic for me, learning to look at people on a screen for my medical appointments. I normally keep a piece of paper taped over my computer camera just to be sure I'm not being looked at, but during Zoom I have to remove it. It was very hard for me to take that step with my doctors, but I guess it's better than having to see them in person.

I hope knowledge of the term Scopophobia helps you Joe. It's apparently quite common with Autism.



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16 Apr 2021, 6:21 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
When I had my last burnout I was glitching between masking and unmasking, and I was like a young child when I unmasked, and I worked it out why. I was mentally going back to the days before I started masking when I unmasked!

I know it sounds strange, but it was happening to me.


I act like a young child all the time. I feel like I never got older than 13-14 socially or emotionally, so I carry the insecurities of an adolescent whether I'm alone or with others. My comfort stims are also very childlike: I use mannerisms from toddlerhood up to about age 8 or 10. I'm also very comforted by watching tv shows from childhood, like The Flintstones. Just the sound of the background music is like an elixir for me. You're likely right that it's a pre-masking escape but at least in my case, that's where I am emotionally.


I would say I would be visually acting like a six year old in the way I walked and did things...

But I have always done things like run my fingers along railings or walls etc as I walk along a street.... Or let grass flow through my fingers if it was within reach as I walked etc...

Would living in the countryside be easier for you Isabella? One has ones own land and can be hidden away but still have ones freedom. In a town or village, everyone tends to overlook each other.


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Last edited by Mountain Goat on 16 Apr 2021, 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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16 Apr 2021, 6:27 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Scopophobia - that's exactly the word I have been describing about myself for the last 12 years, but I've never heard of the word until a few seconds ago when I read Isabella's post! :lol:

Not so much now but when I was younger (in my early 20s) I got so sensitive and self-conscious about people staring at me in public places all the time. If you read my old posts from about 8 or 9 years ago you'll see that I was suffering with severe social anxiety and often posted about people staring at me in public places.
But venting about my Scopophobia on an autism site just fed my Scopophobia even more, because people here either assumed that I was doing something weird that I was unaware of, or they'd say that NTs are more or less psychics that can see you are different no matter how normal you look and will stare at you. It drove me crazy with anxiety and self-hatred. These days I don't feel like I'm stared at so much when I'm out in public but I still dislike being stared at if it's another woman.

I apologise for this post being all about me but I just had to post this. :heart:


That is something I get on occasions. People staring at me as if I had done something wrong, when I do not know why they are looking at me.
And children doing it when I pass and parents running to get their children as if I am some sort of monster? Yet I can't see why as I am not acting in a way that would make them think like that. I am just acting normally. (As far as I know how to act normal?)

Mind you. I hate the usuall "Why don't you act normal" phraze that some say to me as I am acting normal. I am not acting any differently to how other people act? If I am I don't see that I am, so how could I be any different? The only solution is to hide away and that is not acting normal.


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Mountain Goat
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16 Apr 2021, 6:37 pm

Was I describing autism traits when I first wrote above? I mean... Is it only those on the spectrum that have these traits?


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IsabellaLinton
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16 Apr 2021, 6:44 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
Was I describing autism traits when I first wrote above? I mean... Is it only those on the spectrum that have these traits?


I don't know because I can only speak for myself, and I'm autistic. :P



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16 Apr 2021, 6:52 pm

I am trying to figure myself out because in my mind I think "If I am on the spectrum, how come I have lived for so long and no one has noticed?"

Maybe I am a BAP?

I am impatient! Haha. I want to know. When I went to ask at my doctors (And it took me two years to ask due to mindblank that I get with nurves), I expected a yes or no answer there and then. I knew nothing about the need to be assessed and did not realize there would be a wait.
In the past I have taken myself off lists due to me having anxiety issues of waiting... So initially I was thinking of taking myself off the list to save myself from anxiety. Fortunately since then I have met one or two of the autism team and they are nice people so the anxiety part of being on a waiting list has subsided.


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IsabellaLinton
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16 Apr 2021, 6:54 pm

It seems you have the longest waitlist I've ever heard of.

Are they still doing assessments during Covid, via internet, or has the system ground to a halt in Wales?

How long have you been waiting, now?

How much longer do they anticipate?



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16 Apr 2021, 7:23 pm

All of you make me look clueless.

It took me decades to conclude I might be different. In general I only got as far as wondering why I was treated differently (not in a nice way).

I wasn't trying to hide my difference because I hadn't figured out I was different. I was just trying to figure out techniques to muddle through life as best as possible: coping.


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16 Apr 2021, 9:06 pm

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And children doing it when I pass and parents running to get their children as if I am some sort of monster? Yet I can't see why as I am not acting in a way that would make them think like that. I am just acting normally. (As far as I know how to act normal?)


I've never had this happen, I must admit. In fact I find strangers seem to put their toddlers/kids in my personal space! So I can't look that weird or different if they trust me enough to do that. So I never know why I got odd stares from people. I think I just look(ed) stupid, like a dunce or idiot maybe. But I don't see why that would make people see me as a threat.

@Isabella - I don't think I was as bad as you with Scopophobia as such but being stared at by people still severely affected me emotionally and it was easier said than done to just ignore them.
I also think people are observing me all the time. Like when I take the bins out I think that my neighbours are watching me out their windows. I think it stems back from my teenage years when I was often noticed by kids I didn't know and provoked. Even in adulthood I've had situations where I felt like I was being noticed, like sometimes a car would drive by and blast their horn the second they passed me, but there was nobody else in the street (pedestrians or other traffic) to toot at and they weren't waving at me or anything. It's like they just noticed me and decided to deliberately make me jump or something. And situations like that made me think that everybody's noticing me and observing me.
I'm only Scopophobic around strangers though. So it must be more of a social anxiety thing around the unknown.


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17 Apr 2021, 9:34 am

I can relate to pretty much everything in this thread. I also subconsciously mask, and had no idea about anything until about a year ago. I have experienced scopophobia my whole life, and have always been afraid everyone KNEW... Wasn't sure exactly what it was, or how they knew it, since I didn't, but THEY KNOW. It's not as bad now, but it's been all my life.



IsabellaLinton
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17 Apr 2021, 9:42 am

OkaySometimes wrote:
I can relate to pretty much everything in this thread. I also subconsciously mask, and had no idea about anything until about a year ago. I have experienced scopophobia my whole life, and have always been afraid everyone KNEW... Wasn't sure exactly what it was, or how they knew it, since I didn't, but THEY KNOW. It's not as bad now, but it's been all my life.


Welcome to the club, Scopophobia R Us! :wink:

I'm glad it's getting better for you. I'm OK if I'm with someone. I can walk my dog with a friend and I'm fine. If I'm alone I will only do it at night in the pitch dark. I love the dark so it works out well.