Do you get inappropriately strong attachments?

Page 1 of 2 [ 25 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

lvpin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Oct 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 618

07 Jan 2022, 7:21 pm

I wanted to know if any of you guys struggle with having inappropriately strong attachments to others such as friends, family, romantic interests etc? I'm aware some of this is probably amplified by my mental illness but I'm wondering if other autistic people relate.

As I posted in the haven, I had a friend suddenly cut me off which elicited a very string reaction from me. If it wasn't for the fact I had ringworm, which I was scared of getting into my bloodstream, I would now be covered in scars. Anyway I was thinking back on the friendship and was realising how unhealthy it was and how I was basically obsessed with them.

I would constantly think about what he thought of me and if he got upset at me I would get a feeling of complete emptiness for days. When he would be mad at me I would feel physically sick, nauseous and hollow. I'd cry myself to sleep for nights and would harm myself by bingeing and general self harm. If he was happy with me I was on top of the world and I kind of looked up to him, constantly craving his praise. We would talk constantly, once in the morning, throughout the school day via text and then also in the evenings, with it not being rare for conversations to go on to 3am or later. The only thing that caused discord is the fact that I am stubborn about what I believe is right and he used to like to start arguments with me that would get very, very heated. There was something about me that made him want to fight me he said. Confusing since he said part of him wanted to protect me in the beginning.

This isn't unusual for me. Every now and again I get a similar obsession with new friends and will basically sacrifice my health etc to keep them happy. I've just been lucky that they were people where it didn't turn toxic and soon the intensity was turned off. Of course sometimes it would get toxic, especially if they mirrored back the obsession but NONE ended as bad as this last.

Do any of you have the same problem? I find myself unable to really break it down for my friends who seem quite bewildered by me still bringing it up and being hung up on it months later. It feels like I basically sacrificed so much of myself and felt these feelings in the depth of my soul and I have this problem with others too. I just wanted to know if anyone relates :')



theprisoner
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2021
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,431
Location: Britain

07 Jan 2022, 7:30 pm

Its natural to feel somewhat bad if somebody you care about has a bad opinion of you, but thats sounds pathologically excessive.

Also, if it's same-sex friends, i never really cared what they thought. If they were there, or not. The attachment is different. Also i'm a loner. My closest friends , were really childhood friends. What you describe is opposite-sex crushing, which is completely different phenomena. It involves hormones. That can sometimes go out of control, and cloud your judgment. And yo-yo your emotions.


_________________
AQ: 27 Diagnosis:High functioning (just on the cusp of normal.) IQ:131 (somewhat inflated result but ego-flattering) DNA:XY Location: UK. Eyes: Blue. Hair: Brown. Height:6'1 Celebrity I most resemble: Tom hardy. Favorite Band: The Doors. Personality: uhhm ....(what can i say...we asd people are strange)


blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,537
Location: In a square sphere of abstract, nuanced thought.

07 Jan 2022, 7:46 pm

Not nowadays, no. But it has happened in the past when I didn't have the life experience to put my guard up as I was young & naive and too cocky, thinking "oh, I won't catch the feels, I am above that."

But nobody is above letting someone into themselves emotionally - it can happen at the least expected moment for anyone.

The best thing to do is just to keep away from that person as best you can if they don't want you in their life. Otherwise you are violating their social consent if you reach out to them too frequently.

Personally, I think it is acceptable to reach out to a old friend or flame every few years, but if they are not interested - leave them alone. It's not just for your own good - they will benefit too. You don't want to make people feel uncomfortable unnecessarily.


_________________
Cultural Conservative, Economic Socialist.
Christian (LGBTQ+ affirming).
Abstract & critical thinker. 2nd wave feminist.
All humans are equal before God.
Freedom, is the sovereign right, of America.
On vacation


blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,537
Location: In a square sphere of abstract, nuanced thought.

07 Jan 2022, 7:51 pm

It is all about context, too. If you are socially skilled enough to sense mutual interest, then you can bend the rules a bit (proverbially speaking) - with regards to how much you pressure someone socially into bonding with you.


_________________
Cultural Conservative, Economic Socialist.
Christian (LGBTQ+ affirming).
Abstract & critical thinker. 2nd wave feminist.
All humans are equal before God.
Freedom, is the sovereign right, of America.
On vacation


Last edited by blitzkrieg on 07 Jan 2022, 7:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lvpin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Oct 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 618

07 Jan 2022, 7:52 pm

theprisoner wrote:
Its natural to feel somewhat bad if somebody you care about has a bad opinion of you, but thats sounds pathologically excessive.

Also, if it's same-sex friends, i never really cared what they thought. If they were there, or not. The attachment is different. Also i'm a loner. My closest friends , were really childhood friends. What you describe is opposite-sex crushing, which is completely different phenomena. It involves hormones. That can sometimes go out of control, and cloud your judgment. And yo-yo your emotions.


It's definitely not healthy. I briefly considered suicide when it happened. Sadly not uncommon for me but I never share it with the person because I think that would be emotional blackmail.

It might be hard to believe but I actually didn't have a crush on him. I do get crushes but it is just very rare but this happens with me and same sex friendships too. They just never did anything as toxic. My last female one had the same conversation pattern etc but I din't have to seek acceptance from her as she and I didn't fight. I just was constantly messaging her for hours each day to the point it got in the way of my life. One female one didn't cause issues at all so it kind of calmed down. I didn't get stuff like fast heartbeat with the guy though like i do with crushes. I just am a bit obsessive and intense :')

Also once I dreamt we were in a relationship and struggled to not throw up from disgust when I woke up lol.

blitzkreig wrote:

The best thing to do is just to keep away from that person as best you can if they don't want you in their life. Otherwise you are violating their consent if you reach out to them too frequently.

Personally, I think it is acceptable to reach out to a old friend or flame every few years, but if they are not interested - leave them alone. It's not just for your own good - they will benefit too. You don't want to make people feel uncomfortable unnecessarily.


I originally was furious about how they took the cowardly way out by blocking me sonce when I've had those unhealthy relationships I needed to end I always spoke to the person to get closure and tried to warn them not to do that to others (since he has quite a few friendships with mentally ill people and I don't want someone more sensitive than me to act on those thoughts if he does that again) on an available channel. He blocked that too so I'm going to leave it now. Their loss.



blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,537
Location: In a square sphere of abstract, nuanced thought.

07 Jan 2022, 7:56 pm

lvpin wrote:
theprisoner wrote:
Its natural to feel somewhat bad if somebody you care about has a bad opinion of you, but thats sounds pathologically excessive.

Also, if it's same-sex friends, i never really cared what they thought. If they were there, or not. The attachment is different. Also i'm a loner. My closest friends , were really childhood friends. What you describe is opposite-sex crushing, which is completely different phenomena. It involves hormones. That can sometimes go out of control, and cloud your judgment. And yo-yo your emotions.


It's definitely not healthy. I briefly considered suicide when it happened.

It might be hard to believe but I actually didn't have a crush on him. I do get crushes but it is just very rare but this happens with me and same sex friendships too. They just never did anything as toxic. My last female one had the same conversation pattern etc but I din't have to seek acceptance from her as she and I didn't fight. One female one didn't cause issues at all so it kind of calmed down. I didn't get stuff like fast heartbeat with the guy though like i do with crushes. I just am a bit obsessive and intense :')

blitzkreig wrote:

The best thing to do is just to keep away from that person as best you can if they don't want you in their life. Otherwise you are violating their consent if you reach out to them too frequently.

Personally, I think it is acceptable to reach out to a old friend or flame every few years, but if they are not interested - leave them alone. It's not just for your own good - they will benefit too. You don't want to make people feel uncomfortable unnecessarily.


I originally was furious about how they took the cowardly way out by blocking me sonce when I've had those unhealthy relationships I needed to end I always spoke to the person to get closure and tried to warn them not to do that to others (since he has quite a few friendships with mentally ill people and I don't want someone more sensitive than me to act on those thoughts if he does that again) on an available channel. He blocked that too so I'm going to leave it now. Their loss.


I have to agree, I personally think blocking someone & not giving a person closure is actually dangerous for another persons mental health. Compassion for me is saying to the another person, those things that you know are their insecurities about your relationship or friendship & smoothing those things out, regardless of reward or outcome of the friendship or relationship.

You can have people mulling over things unsaid for years if you don't have a proper conversation and say what you need to say. Best to let someone down sooner rather than later and risk immediate blowback than to let them build up toxic feelings of abandonment from leaving them hanging (proverbially speaking).


_________________
Cultural Conservative, Economic Socialist.
Christian (LGBTQ+ affirming).
Abstract & critical thinker. 2nd wave feminist.
All humans are equal before God.
Freedom, is the sovereign right, of America.
On vacation


lvpin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Oct 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 618

07 Jan 2022, 8:00 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
lvpin wrote:
theprisoner wrote:
Its natural to feel somewhat bad if somebody you care about has a bad opinion of you, but thats sounds pathologically excessive.

Also, if it's same-sex friends, i never really cared what they thought. If they were there, or not. The attachment is different. Also i'm a loner. My closest friends , were really childhood friends. What you describe is opposite-sex crushing, which is completely different phenomena. It involves hormones. That can sometimes go out of control, and cloud your judgment. And yo-yo your emotions.


It's definitely not healthy. I briefly considered suicide when it happened.

It might be hard to believe but I actually didn't have a crush on him. I do get crushes but it is just very rare but this happens with me and same sex friendships too. They just never did anything as toxic. My last female one had the same conversation pattern etc but I din't have to seek acceptance from her as she and I didn't fight. One female one didn't cause issues at all so it kind of calmed down. I didn't get stuff like fast heartbeat with the guy though like i do with crushes. I just am a bit obsessive and intense :')

blitzkreig wrote:

The best thing to do is just to keep away from that person as best you can if they don't want you in their life. Otherwise you are violating their consent if you reach out to them too frequently.

Personally, I think it is acceptable to reach out to a old friend or flame every few years, but if they are not interested - leave them alone. It's not just for your own good - they will benefit too. You don't want to make people feel uncomfortable unnecessarily.


I originally was furious about how they took the cowardly way out by blocking me sonce when I've had those unhealthy relationships I needed to end I always spoke to the person to get closure and tried to warn them not to do that to others (since he has quite a few friendships with mentally ill people and I don't want someone more sensitive than me to act on those thoughts if he does that again) on an available channel. He blocked that too so I'm going to leave it now. Their loss.


I have to agree, I personally think blocking someone & not giving a person closure is actually dangerous for another persons mental health. Compassion for me is saying to the another person, those things that you know are their insecurities about your relationship or friendship & smoothing those things out, regardless of reward or outcome of the friendship or relationship.

You can have people mulling over things unsaid for years if you don't have a proper conversation and say what you need to say. Best to let someone down sooner rather than later and risk immediate blowback than to let them build up toxic feelings of abandonment from leaving them hanging (proverbially speaking).



I agree. Since I couldn't ask any questions and fully understand it's really fuelled my fear of abandonment that comes with being diagnosed with BPD traits :D . Still have many questions but have accepted they will never be answered so mulling over them, which I do during depressive periods, makes no sense. I really hope he doesn't do it to anyone else because I'm not the first actually.



theprisoner
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2021
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,431
Location: Britain

07 Jan 2022, 8:05 pm

lvpin wrote:
Also once I dreamt we were in a relationship and struggled to not throw up from disgust when I woke up lol.


Well, I don't know what going on then. :scratch: You might be an empath.


_________________
AQ: 27 Diagnosis:High functioning (just on the cusp of normal.) IQ:131 (somewhat inflated result but ego-flattering) DNA:XY Location: UK. Eyes: Blue. Hair: Brown. Height:6'1 Celebrity I most resemble: Tom hardy. Favorite Band: The Doors. Personality: uhhm ....(what can i say...we asd people are strange)


blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,537
Location: In a square sphere of abstract, nuanced thought.

07 Jan 2022, 8:05 pm

lvpin wrote:
blitzkrieg wrote:
lvpin wrote:
theprisoner wrote:
Its natural to feel somewhat bad if somebody you care about has a bad opinion of you, but thats sounds pathologically excessive.

Also, if it's same-sex friends, i never really cared what they thought. If they were there, or not. The attachment is different. Also i'm a loner. My closest friends , were really childhood friends. What you describe is opposite-sex crushing, which is completely different phenomena. It involves hormones. That can sometimes go out of control, and cloud your judgment. And yo-yo your emotions.


It's definitely not healthy. I briefly considered suicide when it happened.

It might be hard to believe but I actually didn't have a crush on him. I do get crushes but it is just very rare but this happens with me and same sex friendships too. They just never did anything as toxic. My last female one had the same conversation pattern etc but I din't have to seek acceptance from her as she and I didn't fight. One female one didn't cause issues at all so it kind of calmed down. I didn't get stuff like fast heartbeat with the guy though like i do with crushes. I just am a bit obsessive and intense :')

blitzkreig wrote:

The best thing to do is just to keep away from that person as best you can if they don't want you in their life. Otherwise you are violating their consent if you reach out to them too frequently.

Personally, I think it is acceptable to reach out to a old friend or flame every few years, but if they are not interested - leave them alone. It's not just for your own good - they will benefit too. You don't want to make people feel uncomfortable unnecessarily.


I originally was furious about how they took the cowardly way out by blocking me sonce when I've had those unhealthy relationships I needed to end I always spoke to the person to get closure and tried to warn them not to do that to others (since he has quite a few friendships with mentally ill people and I don't want someone more sensitive than me to act on those thoughts if he does that again) on an available channel. He blocked that too so I'm going to leave it now. Their loss.


I have to agree, I personally think blocking someone & not giving a person closure is actually dangerous for another persons mental health. Compassion for me is saying to the another person, those things that you know are their insecurities about your relationship or friendship & smoothing those things out, regardless of reward or outcome of the friendship or relationship.

You can have people mulling over things unsaid for years if you don't have a proper conversation and say what you need to say. Best to let someone down sooner rather than later and risk immediate blowback than to let them build up toxic feelings of abandonment from leaving them hanging (proverbially speaking).



I agree. Since I couldn't ask any questions and fully understand it's really fuelled my fear of abandonment that comes with being diagnosed with BPD traits :D . Still have many questions but have accepted they will never be answered so mulling over them, which I do during depressive periods, makes no sense. I really hope he doesn't do it to anyone else because I'm not the first actually.


Yeah, everyone is different I suppose. Everyone has their own way of dealing with people.

For me, a hard, short-term (proverbial) punch-in-the-face of rejection. is way more bearable than unanswered questions that itch my mind. Not knowing something for me is pure torture, especially if I am emotionally attached to a person. Makes me want to scream to be honest.

But you have to think of the other persons needs, too & they probably have their own reasons for not disclosing their feelings, if any, for you. They might have a partner that you don't know about, either in real life or online, or a family member they are pressured by socially. There are loads of unknown variables in any social situation that you probably won't be aware of.

You have to accept the unknown - and also the known to get on in life.


_________________
Cultural Conservative, Economic Socialist.
Christian (LGBTQ+ affirming).
Abstract & critical thinker. 2nd wave feminist.
All humans are equal before God.
Freedom, is the sovereign right, of America.
On vacation


AprilR
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 8 Apr 2016
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,945

07 Jan 2022, 10:16 pm

I am also like this. Maybe it's because i started to form relationships later in life, but i find people who take the time to befriend me very important.

My psychiatrist says i have trouble regulating emotions, maybe that's why it might have a connection with autism. It is definitely hard to live like this.



blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,537
Location: In a square sphere of abstract, nuanced thought.

08 Jan 2022, 1:13 pm

AprilR wrote:
I am also like this. Maybe it's because i started to form relationships later in life, but i find people who take the time to befriend me very important.

My psychiatrist says i have trouble regulating emotions, maybe that's why it might have a connection with autism. It is definitely hard to live like this.


I am a highly emotional person, too. I find a combination of faith in God, emotion-dampening medication & a strong moral framework to get me through pretty much anything relatively unscathed in proportion to any damage I accrue from life.


_________________
Cultural Conservative, Economic Socialist.
Christian (LGBTQ+ affirming).
Abstract & critical thinker. 2nd wave feminist.
All humans are equal before God.
Freedom, is the sovereign right, of America.
On vacation


HighLlama
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Apr 2015
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,921

08 Jan 2022, 1:17 pm

All the time. Lots of uncomfortably strong feelings. Mania. Loss of sleep. Not hard to keep in, but difficult to endure.



lvpin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Oct 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 618

08 Jan 2022, 1:26 pm

HighLlama wrote:
All the time. Lots of uncomfortably strong feelings. Mania. Loss of sleep. Not hard to keep in, but difficult to endure.


Ah I understand. Got told it wasn't true mania but when I deal with those strong bonds I go through weird phases of overspending money and not sleeping because I don't feel I need it. I have to exercise for hours too just to be able to sit comfortably.



lvpin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Oct 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 618

08 Jan 2022, 1:33 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
AprilR wrote:
I am also like this. Maybe it's because i started to form relationships later in life, but i find people who take the time to befriend me very important.

My psychiatrist says i have trouble regulating emotions, maybe that's why it might have a connection with autism. It is definitely hard to live like this.


I am a highly emotional person, too. I find a combination of faith in God, emotion-dampening medication & a strong moral framework to get me through pretty much anything relatively unscathed in proportion to any damage I accrue from life.


I believe in god too but since I was like 3 my mind has convinced me he hates me :( so we have a weird relationship. Medication definitely helps though! Although it's hard to tell exactly how much as I am more stable now that I'm not interacting with people in my age range. Every now and again I do get overwhelmed with all my failure with those I get obsessive about and wonder what I did wrong since with one exception who is now one of my best friends and another who I'm indifferent to , they cut me off quite coldly and suddenly. I know there has to be something but they never tell me because they're so intent in making sure I know they don't want to talk to me and I am miserable.



HighLlama
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Apr 2015
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,921

08 Jan 2022, 1:33 pm

lvpin wrote:
HighLlama wrote:
All the time. Lots of uncomfortably strong feelings. Mania. Loss of sleep. Not hard to keep in, but difficult to endure.


Ah I understand. Got told it wasn't true mania but when I deal with those strong bonds I go through weird phases of overspending money and not sleeping because I don't feel I need it. I have to exercise for hours too just to be able to sit comfortably.


Maybe it's not mania in a clinical sense. That's why I call it, because I feel manic, at least compared to my usual state.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,876
Location: UK

08 Jan 2022, 3:11 pm

I get strong attachments to people and animals but not to the point where it's inappropriate.

However I do get inappropriately strong attachments to objects. I can't throw anything away.


_________________
Female
Aged 32
On antidepressants
Diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and mild ASD