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Pandora
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27 Jul 2007, 8:36 am

Fraya wrote:
I hate it when they do that.. act angry at you and wont say why.

The worst is when they say "well you should know" uh if I knew I wouldn't be asking.

At that point I just say "I made an attempt to talk to you and sort things out if you still have a problem with me then its your own fault and your just being a stubborn @$$" and walk away.
I'd like to get up the courage to say that more often rather than just taking being treated like sh#t by ignorant people.


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27 Jul 2007, 8:43 am

If he continues to give you dirty looks or stops talking w/ you, I would stop trying to be his friend.
Who needs that crap? :roll:



Kelsi
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27 Jul 2007, 9:26 am

How many of you have ever had the experience of an NT saying to you: "you look upset, have I done something to offend you?" HUH???? :lol:

Personally, I can't recall one single incident where this has happened.

As for offending NT's if I don't maintain enough eye contact, or move back a step when they get to close, or flinch if they touch me, or get bored when they prattle on with meaningless small talk, etc., etc.,.....TOUGH!! !! !! !



krex
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27 Jul 2007, 7:20 pm

Stranger in a strange land.You have to make a choice for yourself the best way to deal with living in this srange land.You can approach it as an anthropoligist...respecting that the society you are "visisting" has different "ways",learn the ways as much as possible to avoid unpleasant situations.Decide that "your way" is the only correct way and to act differently would be to be unauthentic and false,which you find uncomfortable and thus learn to except and even expect the hostility of those in the majority as the confused blunderings of ignorant.Another option,might be to view the whole thiing as an amusing game you play only when your in the mood to play,(this would intail learning the rules of the game but conciously choosing when to employ them.)


Your not going to change the NT ability and dependence on using non-verbal communication to define their reality.They have no motive to change and may not be able to communicate any other way.We can learn some of it(intellectually) and employ it to our advantage in some situations but it is draining and the cost of using these intellectual resources means less energy to engage in our own interests.I admit I am often clueless as to why some people appear angry at me when I have done nothing(intentional)to hurt them.Sometimes I realize they are not actually angry but playing a game in which they are useing the human desire to avoid the anger of others as a tool to manipulate me.The most you can do is ask them and if they choice to continue being ellussive,assume it is an attempt to manipulate you to get you to ...think,feel,act in a way that benefits them.
If these kind of games annoy you,keep looking for people who use these types of games less often.


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30 Jul 2007, 7:47 am

Thanks to everyone who replied to my question -- I am new to WP and only recently self-diagnosed (!) so am trying to absorb as much information as possible about Aspergers.

What really interests me is how do NTs perceive Aspies, apart from "weird" !



Kelsi
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30 Jul 2007, 8:04 am

dosh wrote:
What really interests me is how do NTs perceive Aspies, apart from "weird" !


....well, here are a few descriptions that spring to mind: defective, brain damaged, disabled, retarded, violent, abomination, sub-human, threatening, frightening, diseased, etc., etc.

(but only the ignorant, prejudiced, arrogant 99% of NTs think like this :lol: )



Irulan
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30 Jul 2007, 9:51 am

Kelsi wrote:
How many of you have ever had the experience of an NT saying to you: "you look upset, have I done something to offend you?" HUH???? :lol:


God, I HATE it when somebody talks into me that I must be angry, upset, sad or something like that only because I'm not smiling in that very moment. It's just such a suggestion that makes me angry even for several hours. :?



mariag
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30 Jul 2007, 11:01 am

LKL wrote:
I agree that the best thing to do is just say, flat out, "you look mad, but I don't know why. Is there something that I did or didn't do that is bothering you? I honestly did not mean to upset you."

For the 'How are you' question, I often just say 'Hi' in response. It keeps me from having to lie if I'm having a bad day, and since people usually are using it as an alternative to 'hello' they don't even notice. I do hate that question, though.


This is funny, I used to hate that question too while living in uk (i was there for a year).
The thing is in Spain we have different questions and also different entonation when it comes to the question: "how are you".
So, if Im at work and I come across someone I´d say:"hola, que tal", which is actually hi how are you but its a sort of saying that no one expects an answer to, its just a polite way of saying hello in a social situation like at work. Also, the entonation is really different to the "Real How are you", so leaves no doubt on the intention of such question.
Then, if I happen to meet someone, even at work, who is really my friend, I would be interested in how he/she feels, so I will say instead: Hola, como estas? (hi how are you).
Not only do we use a different entonation for it but we do use different words when asking this question, so its so obvious when is it just "politeness" or someone who really cares about how you are keeping.

However, while i was working in England, i hated that question cos my mates at work would come in every morning and ask me with a "smile on their faces..as if they really cared for me..":
how are you?, then i would always say well, last nite i had this problem..or so, or, im ok thx, but then a few days later i just realized they were not expecting me to answer their question!!?

It seemed to me at first so weird and hypocrite, i guess its just to do with a cultural clash thing, since in Spain is totally different. I got used to it in the end but still cant understand it well, why do everyone in England for instance ask you how are you? with such an entonation and body language even that makes you doubt whether they mean it or not?!

I guess thats how many Aspies feel even in their own country right?



unnamed
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30 Jul 2007, 12:00 pm

^Hola, mariag!! I agree completely. English-speaking countries are particularly prone to hypocrisy and mixed messages when it comes to communicating with co-workers and acquaintances. Here in the US, it's considered "rude" not to ask acquaintances, co-workers, and customers "how they are doing", when it's common knowledge that it's a completely hollow gesture. Three times in the past month, cashiers have gotten visibly annoyed with me because I didn't think to answer their fake "how are you today?" because I was too busy counting out change, etc. so that I could get out of their way faster and hopefully make their day a little easier, FFS. Communication seems so much more open and honest in Latin-speaking countries - less exhausting social hypocrisy with strangers/acquaintances and more real, honest discussion in close relationships. Arrrghh. I hate it here!! :(



mariag
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30 Jul 2007, 1:37 pm

unnamed wrote:
^Hola, mariag!! I agree completely. English-speaking countries are particularly prone to hypocrisy and mixed messages when it comes to communicating with co-workers and acquaintances. Here in the US, it's considered "rude" not to ask acquaintances, co-workers, and customers "how they are doing", when it's common knowledge that it's a completely hollow gesture. Three times in the past month, cashiers have gotten visibly annoyed with me because I didn't think to answer their fake "how are you today?" because I was too busy counting out change, etc. so that I could get out of their way faster and hopefully make their day a little easier, FFS. Communication seems so much more open and honest in Latin-speaking countries - less exhausting social hypocrisy with strangers/acquaintances and more real, honest discussion in close relationships. Arrrghh. I hate it here!! :(


Hola "unnamed" ! (thou I know your real name, :wink: ). Im glad you replied it and agreed with me!
I am sure you are right about the communication in english speaking countries though i can only speak for my experience in UK.
Mind you, people here at work consider it rude if you dont say "hi" when coming across them, if you know them already, that is, but in a much more "normal, coherent" way. We dont really ask someone at work "how are you" unless its an acquaintance or friend and only if you really mean it, otherwise they will look at you wierd!, its the other way round to England for instance, lol.

And as I said, we use different expressions and entonation when approaching someone you really like to know how he´s keeping so there´s no way to get confused at it.

I bet you´ll be moving sooner or later to a spanish speaking country, no doubt!, :D
See ya!



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30 Jul 2007, 2:04 pm

The grass is always greener... :-) I left Southamerica largely because I wasn't able to see through the fake social niceties into what people really meant. In that sense, I'm much better off here.


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mariag
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30 Jul 2007, 3:02 pm

Greentea wrote:
The grass is always greener... :-) I left Southamerica largely because I wasn't able to see through the fake social niceties into what people really meant. In that sense, I'm much better off here.


Hiya Greentea!, I agree with you, its true, but afterall your not living in an english speaking country, and since Israel culture is just like any other mediterranean culture such as Spain, not South America, you are right, its not the same, eventhough people tend to confuse these two.



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31 Jul 2007, 9:46 am

^Ah! So Mediterranean culture IS a lot different from South American culture? I'd always assumed it was - glad to know I was on the right track. Greentea, did you find North and South America to be similar in fake niceties? So maybe it's an american cultural thing - north and south.

Yeah, I think Israel would be a fantastic place for aspies. When I recently explained Asperger's to my gastroenterologist, he burst out laughing and said I'd just described every member of his Jewish family! I told him, yeah that if I'd been born and raised somewhere in the Mediterranean, I think I'd have had an easier time communicating with people and getting along. Seems like directness doesn't necessarily equal hostility and aggression in that culture, unlike this one.



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31 Jul 2007, 1:38 pm

Yes, indeed. There's much less protocol and guess-work here than in any of the other cultures I know (the Latin, the Anglo-Saxon, the Japanese, the Chinese, etc.). Still, it's not easy for an aspie.


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