Do people ever refuse to believe that you’re on the spectrum

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XenopusMan
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29 Sep 2021, 4:41 pm

My mom had a student with dyslexia and ADHD when I was little who she befriended and ended up hanging out with outside of school a lot. As a result, he saw me a number of times when I was younger, but hasn’t seen me since I was 11. I’m 21 now, and got diagnosed with ASD when I was 20.
My mom was speaking with him on the phone a few weeks ago and told him that I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. His response? “Wait... he was diagnosed with ASD?” And my mom said, “Yes.” And then he said, “Okay, I’m calling BS!” And then he had my mom hand her phone to me, and he said, “If you have Asperger’s, I have Asperger’s.”
This isn’t the only time something like this has happened to me, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s pretty annoying. It also makes me wonder if I was misdiagnosed, and results in my Imposter Syndrome becoming worse than it already is.
Is it normal to get responses like this after telling people in your life your diagnosis?



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29 Sep 2021, 5:50 pm

A lot of folk know virtually nothing about the Autism Spectrum. They may have heard of the movie Rain Man and maybe have had indirect exposure to someone with severe Autism symptoms. For instance, I used to be that ignorant of Autism Spectrum Disorders. As recently as 2018 if someone had told me they thought I was Autistic I would have believed they were obviously, absurdly wrong.

But in 2019 I got a clue, I got better informed, I got a professional assessment, and I got a diagnosis:

Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild)
If your Mom's ex-student has incorrect information about Autism Spectrum Disorders then they will also have an incorrect expectation of what an Autistic person "looks" like--and there is an excellent chance that you do not fit that incorrect expectation.

I encourage you to consider a different response to this kind of ignorance. Rather than getting angry with this kind of ignorance, can you gently try to cure it?

If you leave them ignorant what happens when they encounter their next Autie? Might that encounter go better if they know more? And, if they are ignorant they are unlikely to spontaneously educate themself--they could probably use a little help.


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Mountain Goat
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29 Sep 2021, 6:52 pm

Have you considered that your friend might actually be on the spectrum himself and not know? He will very likely have a wrong concept of what autism is like I once did? (Which is why when I have had so many people say I was on the spectrum but I thought they were pranking me or mistaken and I refused to accept it for many years. I am now on the list to be assessed and I don't know what the results will be, but if I am not then I have a whole lot of stuff that does not make sense. If I am then the only real questions to ask is why has it taken me so long to find out?).

But going back to your friend. Does he have similar traits?


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Joe90
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29 Sep 2021, 7:36 pm

It's why I don't like telling people I'm on the spectrum. Unless people are educated or are dealing with autism themselves (either they have it or a loved one has it), people are going to be ignorant of it. For such a broad spectrum, autism seems to have fixed stereotypes that most people only look for. Even I get perplexed myself about some people on the spectrum like those who have NT friends and basically has the social life of the average NT. So if I'm on the spectrum myself and get perplexed by others on the spectrum then I suppose I can't blame people who don't know about it at all to be ignorant about it.


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XenopusMan
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29 Sep 2021, 10:20 pm

Double Retired wrote:
A lot of folk know virtually nothing about the Autism Spectrum. They may have heard of the movie Rain Man and maybe have had indirect exposure to someone with severe Autism symptoms. For instance, I used to be that ignorant of Autism Spectrum Disorders. As recently as 2018 if someone had told me they thought I was Autistic I would have believed they were obviously, absurdly wrong.

But in 2019 I got a clue, I got better informed, I got a professional assessment, and I got a diagnosis:

Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild)
If your Mom's ex-student has incorrect information about Autism Spectrum Disorders then they will also have an incorrect expectation of what an Autistic person "looks" like--and there is an excellent chance that you do not fit that incorrect expectation.

I encourage you to consider a different response to this kind of ignorance. Rather than getting angry with this kind of ignorance, can you gently try to cure it?

If you leave them ignorant what happens when they encounter their next Autie? Might that encounter go better if they know more? And, if they are ignorant they are unlikely to spontaneously educate themself--they could probably use a little help.



The thing is, this dude DOES have experience with aspies, he was in the same classroom with aspies (and other kids put in the special Ed classroom) throughout his K-12 education. That’s part of the reason why I wondered if he was right when he said that I must have been misdiagnosed.



Last edited by XenopusMan on 29 Sep 2021, 10:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

XenopusMan
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29 Sep 2021, 10:22 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
Have you considered that your friend might actually be on the spectrum himself and not know? He will very likely have a wrong concept of what autism is like I once did? (Which is why when I have had so many people say I was on the spectrum but I thought they were pranking me or mistaken and I refused to accept it for many years. I am now on the list to be assessed and I don't know what the results will be, but if I am not then I have a whole lot of stuff that does not make sense. If I am then the only real questions to ask is why has it taken me so long to find out?).

But going back to your friend. Does he have similar traits?


When he was in school he was placed in the same classroom as people on the spectrum and other IEP kids. In fact, that’s part of the reason why I wonder if he’s right about my diagnosis being wrong.

That said, he COULD be on the spectrum. His dad seems to be an aspie, and he pissed people off at school constantly by blurting things out and sometimes wrestling his classmates. He did have friends, but they were all outside of school.

People attributed all this behavior to his ADHD, however. Which sounds reasonable, but who knows. Something that does strike me as spectrumy about him is that he has a special talent for singing.



chaosmos
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30 Sep 2021, 12:58 am

Sounds like the poor guy just had a revelation and it may not comment on you or your situation at all!



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30 Sep 2021, 4:28 am

I spent over 15 years actively searching for what was weird about my family and myself and nobody mentioned ASD. Since I finally made the connection, no one has ever questioned it, although a few people have assumed that my ASD is like that of another case they know. Recently, my best friend and I were discussing social status, and he said he had noticed that I miss social cues.



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30 Sep 2021, 9:07 am

XenopusMan wrote:
The thing is, this dude DOES have experience with aspies, he was in the same classroom with aspies (and other kids put in the special Ed classroom) throughout his K-12 education. That’s part of the reason why I wondered if he was right when he said that I must have been misdiagnosed.
That makes it interesting!

Of course, we can't tell you whether or not you really are an Aspie. But were you in that special Ed class? If not then the Aspies he's familiar with may have had more severe symptoms than you do and that difference could be the disconnect.


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30 Sep 2021, 11:47 am

Some people are just lousy at diagnosis of any kind. My friend was out in a canoe with his brother, and a fog appeared. His brother had "a really strong feeling" about the direction of the shore, but my friend knew that waves did not start there, and followed them instead.



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30 Sep 2021, 11:58 am

XenopusMan wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
Have you considered that your friend might actually be on the spectrum himself and not know? He will very likely have a wrong concept of what autism is like I once did? (Which is why when I have had so many people say I was on the spectrum but I thought they were pranking me or mistaken and I refused to accept it for many years. I am now on the list to be assessed and I don't know what the results will be, but if I am not then I have a whole lot of stuff that does not make sense. If I am then the only real questions to ask is why has it taken me so long to find out?).

But going back to your friend. Does he have similar traits?


When he was in school he was placed in the same classroom as people on the spectrum and other IEP kids. In fact, that’s part of the reason why I wonder if he’s right about my diagnosis being wrong.

That said, he COULD be on the spectrum. His dad seems to be an aspie, and he pissed people off at school constantly by blurting things out and sometimes wrestling his classmates. He did have friends, but they were all outside of school.

People attributed all this behavior to his ADHD, however. Which sounds reasonable, but who knows. Something that does strike me as spectrumy about him is that he has a special talent for singing.


One thing that I am told is quite common is that when aspies find their significent other, it is common that they will find another aspie, and the same goes for friendship as well as they can relate to each other better. This does not mean that they will like the same things or do the same things etc. It just means that they get on easier because they can communicate on similar wavelengths which is the main issue between missunderstandings between those who are on the spectrum and those who are not, and why allistic and autistic people do not often become best friends. (I am not saying that it does not happen. I am just saying that it is not so often it happens as friends need common ground ways to communicate).


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AnomalousAspergian
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30 Sep 2021, 2:26 pm

XenopusMan wrote:
My mom had a student with dyslexia and ADHD when I was little who she befriended and ended up hanging out with outside of school a lot. As a result, he saw me a number of times when I was younger, but hasn’t seen me since I was 11. I’m 21 now, and got diagnosed with ASD when I was 20.
My mom was speaking with him on the phone a few weeks ago and told him that I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. His response? “Wait... he was diagnosed with ASD?” And my mom said, “Yes.” And then he said, “Okay, I’m calling BS!” And then he had my mom hand her phone to me, and he said, “If you have Asperger’s, I have Asperger’s.”
This isn’t the only time something like this has happened to me, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s pretty annoying. It also makes me wonder if I was misdiagnosed, and results in my Imposter Syndrome becoming worse than it already is.
Is it normal to get responses like this after telling people in your life your diagnosis?


It's always very sad to hear this kind of experience. I can relate to it as my own father has an invalidating attitude towards my being diagnosed on the spectrum. Given my fairly 'late' diagnosis when I was in my mid-20s, he cannot understand the difficulties I have as being part of ASD.

It is frustrating when people often make spurious dogmatic claims that we are all on the spectrum too. For example, if someone on the spectrum says they have difficulties with meeting people and sustaining relationships there is always the problem of someone responding with "we all have these sorts of issues". This may be so but it is still an invalidating sort of response to someone who has ASD. It may well be that it is said by people who falsely assume that it will comfort people with ASD by making them think that they are no alone when in reality all it does it produce harmful effects that promote denialism of some of the things autistic people have to struggle with their entire lives.



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30 Sep 2021, 3:12 pm

Like everybody said: (1) people don't generally know what Autism "looks" like in it's varied presentations; in can be a very internal experience for those that can mask. Since my diagnosis (2 yrs ago) I've started to share what's going on for me with my closest and supportive family members and friends and now we can "see" the Autism (2) it became clear to me that all my friends are ND and some are on or very close to the Spectrum. My BFF is considering an evaluation for ASD for herself. She would not have considered it before my disclosure and discussion of what's normal for her and normal for us but isn't normal for most (nor would I have considered ASD for myself before my daughter's issues).

All my life I've been invalidated to a very large degree. It's nice to take a stand for myself in this matter: I am Autistic... in my way. You have your way. :)



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30 Sep 2021, 6:58 pm

My two bigoted uncles both believe that the spectrum isn't real, that it was created by an unknown source of "fake science" and that if a man has ASD, he will never be happy and will remain alone for the rest of his days.

Both uncles have said that the only way for a man (spectrum and NT alike) to truly "become a man" is to enlist in the US Armed Forces immediately after graduating high school.

BS of the highest level! :evil:


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30 Sep 2021, 11:35 pm

I am a psychologist and it took me years to finally diagnose myself with ASD1. (Yes, myself as I do not go to therapy.) The signs were there but nothing like you would expect it to be for Autism (no repetitive movements, no developmental delay, my eye contact is excellent and so is my speech.) This caused me to decline this diagnosis for myself for years. Diagnosis for ASD is not and should not be as strict as DSM5 portrays it. ASD can be camouflaged and it can manifest differently for each individual. Most people stereotype and believe that ASD can only be severe and easily recognizable. Explain to your your friend that it is not always the case. There are plenty of articles of what ASD can look like - if he/she is interested.