Moods / reactions / feelings when diagnosed?

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Anomaly_76
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27 Apr 2022, 3:37 pm

My diagnosis was a long time coming at 46 after a lot of (to me) needless suffering, and as I love music (I believe it helps me to stim), I have been somewhat in a brooding / processing "what now?" "where do I go from here?" mode... And thus I have been listening to a few songs in particular, perhaps looking for inspiration, perhaps trying to calm my mind.

I can't lie, while I'm happy to finally have the answer, I'm extremely angry because this wasn't caught sooner, because I was abused, bullied and ostracized as a result, and until I was officially diagnosed, those I should have been able to look to for support denied it and argued with me.

I also wonder about other things -- being 46, I am right in the middle of so-called "average" life expectancy -- those posted for those with ASD average 35-55, though some live longer. I've also been told all my life that I could do whatever I wanted if I applied myself -- PFFFT. I've had motor skill issues for some time now and believe I'm in regression, as it and several other facets seem to be getting worse.

The songs I'm listening to are:

"Down With The Sickness" by Disturbed
"When You're Young" by Three Doors Down
"Nemo" by Nightwish
"Straight Out Of Line" by Godsmack
"Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park
"Never Wrong" by Disturbed
"Hands Off The Wheel" by Oleander
"Only God Knows Why" by Kid Rock
"The Red" by Chevelle
"In The Deep" by Bird York
"The Infection" by Disturbed
"Drift And Die" by Puddle Of Mudd
"Remember" by Disturbed
"Dreams I'll Never See" by Molly Hatchet
"Champagne Supernova" by Oasis

Did you experience / do similar after diagnosis?


_________________
.
I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before. Which begs the question....
Since ASD means various parts of the brain stop developing at various ages...
Just how the hell am I supposed to know WHICH age to act, anyway? :lol:


Double Retired
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28 Apr 2022, 5:42 pm

I was diagnosed at age 64. I figure the childhood bullies would have been just as mean whether I had a diagnosis, or not.

I think knowledge of the diagnosis gets me a little more cooperation from my bride in areas where the Autism might be an issue.

Where did I go after getting the diagnosis? On the way home we stopped to buy some champagne! The diagnosis explained so much I was delighted.


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When diagnosed I bought champagne!
I finally knew why people were strange.


Anomaly_76
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28 Apr 2022, 5:58 pm

As to bullying, you're probably right...

I just feel like my world was already shrinking, and it's just that much smaller now.


_________________
.
I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before. Which begs the question....
Since ASD means various parts of the brain stop developing at various ages...
Just how the hell am I supposed to know WHICH age to act, anyway? :lol:


blazingstar
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28 Apr 2022, 6:05 pm

I was astonished when I realized I was autistic at age 64. So many things in my life made sense now. Wow!

I’m glad I was not diagnosed and made “special” and had accommodations. I had a hard time, but I struggled and persevered and I think I’m a better person for it.

What makes you think your world is shrinking? Sure, there’s stuff I can’t do, but everyone has stuff they can’t do, NTs too.

Im not trying to make light of it. I get that it is tough and life is different. But it doesn’t have to be bad.


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kraftiekortie
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28 Apr 2022, 6:20 pm

I don't believe the "life expectancy" numbers.

I'm 61, and am a prostate cancer survivor. They caught it in time. I believe I will live at least another 25 years.



blazingstar
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28 Apr 2022, 6:35 pm

And I’m 68 and plan on living at least another 25 years. :D


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IsabellaLinton
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28 Apr 2022, 6:43 pm

Anomaly_76 wrote:

Did you experience / do similar after diagnosis?



I was diagnosed ASD2 a month before turning 50.
I was also diagnosed with ADHD two years later.
My report(s) help me to understand what went wrong, at least in part.
I suffered a lot of abuse throughout my life.
I feel vulnerable because I tend to attract narcissists and other whack jobs.
I went through a period of mourning for my inner-adolescent.
I don't have an inner-child because I'm perpetually 13.



Anomaly_76
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28 Apr 2022, 6:59 pm

blazingstar wrote:
What makes you think your world is shrinking? Sure, there’s stuff I can’t do, but everyone has stuff they can’t do, NTs too.

I've had a number of social issues for a very long time, and have probably missed out on some good relationships because of them. I also have serious respiratory and allergy issues that I am beginning to believe are actually sensory processing disorder related.

The world outside is a gas chamber to me, and just trying to protect myself from the smell of smoke on riders' clothes doing Uber and such is getting me a bunch of ableist BS, not to mention I am starting to develop high sensitivity to certain lights and such. I know that this could mean I might not be able to drive for too much longer. I've already had to give up a career I loved driving big rigs.

I guess I feel like it should have been a weight off my shoulders to know, life-changing or something. But it's not. Not to me, anyway. Maybe because support has been quite limited in my journey. I've pretty much been told to shut up all my life.

One of these things is not like the rest... And it's usually me... :(


_________________
.
I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before. Which begs the question....
Since ASD means various parts of the brain stop developing at various ages...
Just how the hell am I supposed to know WHICH age to act, anyway? :lol:


kraftiekortie
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28 Apr 2022, 7:21 pm

I've always wanted to drive a big rig truck!

I don't have the ability to do that when I'm driving in the city. I can do okay on long stretches of I-80 in Nebraska and Wyoming, though.

I also like the itinerant nature of truck driving. Stopping in truck stops to have an open roast beef sandwich or something.



Anomaly_76
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28 Apr 2022, 7:39 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I've always wanted to drive a big rig truck!

While I can understand the appeal to those who haven't, this is the reality... (are my images showing up?)

Image


Truthfully, anyone can drive one going straight ahead. It's backing it up that's tricky. 8)

I'm still sorting so much out, I think, but I guess part of it is I've been led to believe I would do great things all my life because of my intelligence... And none of it was ever really going to happen. Now because of these respiratory and sensory issues, combined with the issues with motor skills and such, my future appears to be limited to a $900 a month disability check and watching TV the rest of my life.


_________________
.
I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before. Which begs the question....
Since ASD means various parts of the brain stop developing at various ages...
Just how the hell am I supposed to know WHICH age to act, anyway? :lol:


brane75
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28 Apr 2022, 7:55 pm

At first, absolutely nothing. Didn't know what it's all about. 8 years later and still ongoing, horrible. Total de-orientation and a lack of mental clarity over my role in life.



Anomaly_76
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28 Apr 2022, 8:01 pm

brane75 wrote:
At first, absolutely nothing. Didn't know what it's all about. 8 years later and still ongoing, horrible. Total de-orientation and a lack of mental clarity over my role in life.

Bingo. That's what I'm feeling right now.


_________________
.
I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before. Which begs the question....
Since ASD means various parts of the brain stop developing at various ages...
Just how the hell am I supposed to know WHICH age to act, anyway? :lol:


kraftiekortie
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28 Apr 2022, 8:14 pm

I wish there was a way to change all that.



Anomaly_76
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28 Apr 2022, 9:03 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I wish there was a way to change all that.

I don't know that it would matter with what I've been through as a result. My mother had her good points, but really had no clue how to deal with me, abused me, and today tries to paint herself as the victim and me as the problem up until the day I was diagnosed. Now it's "oh my poor baby". Hence the Disturbed in the mix.


_________________
.
I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before. Which begs the question....
Since ASD means various parts of the brain stop developing at various ages...
Just how the hell am I supposed to know WHICH age to act, anyway? :lol:


Double Retired
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29 Apr 2022, 1:25 pm

Whatever your future holds, I hope WP is part of it.

And now for something completely different. What follows is complete fantastic nonsense. Please do not take it seriously.

If you are in a reasonably nice room but then have to exit into the corridor it might seem like the world is shrinking. And possibly becoming less pleasant...the corridor is likely to be less well lit and less interesting than that nice room you had been in. But that's only true until you find another door to go through. What you find there might be kind of nice.

In other words, maybe see if you can arrange for the world to be changing, rather than just shrinking.


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When diagnosed I bought champagne!
I finally knew why people were strange.


Anomaly_76
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29 Apr 2022, 1:44 pm

I guess I kinda get what you're getting at, DR -- at least in terms of the idea that to find what you need, you may have to go where you don't want to go and do what you don't want to do, or at least deal with some bothersome things. But whether taken literally or not, my point is that I am more or less confined to my home mostly due to sensory issues (a hard-headed relative even makes that an uphill struggle).

That's bad enough, but in addition to having a career I loved yanked away from me because I am no longer able to do it, and all else aforementioned, I still am stuck with parents who just don't take this situation seriously. And unfortunately I am reliant on at least one of them for living arrangements. But also, I feel useless enough without others around me trying to justify their misinterpretation and second-guessing of what I am the one who has to live with.

I understand now why people just say "let me die" when they are on life support. My life is not mine anymore. It hasn't really been for a long time, and I'm not so sure now that it ever was.


_________________
.
I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before. Which begs the question....
Since ASD means various parts of the brain stop developing at various ages...
Just how the hell am I supposed to know WHICH age to act, anyway? :lol: