How is your relationship with your father?

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How is your relationship with your father?
Good 57%  57%  [ 17 ]
Bad 20%  20%  [ 6 ]
Bad then Good 17%  17%  [ 5 ]
Good then bad 7%  7%  [ 2 ]
Total votes : 30

Kitty4670
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12 May 2022, 6:58 pm

My relationship with my dad is ok. He had several jobs, he was a business man, he owned a supermarket, he owned a diner in the 80s, he sold tacos, it gone now, he owned a restaurant too. He was working more than he spent with his family, he work came first before his family, he spent time with us, but work was more important. It’s hard to talk to him now. My mom was the better parent.


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ChrisInAustralia
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12 May 2022, 7:03 pm

Kitty4670 wrote:
My relationship with my dad is ok. He had several jobs, he was a business man, he owned a supermarket, he owned a diner in the 80s, he sold tacos, it gone now, he owned a restaurant too. He was working more than he spent with his family, he work came first before his family, he spent time with us, but work was more important. It’s hard to talk to him now. My mom was the better parent.


My dad was the same but sadly my mum was a s**tshow. My sister and I always discuss our trauma when we meet.

But he was socialised that way. It's the world he grew up in. I don't blame him for it. I was pleased to give him grandkids he can enjoy given he was working too hard to really enjoy having me. He wasn't off drinking or sleeping around. He was being a provider because he was told that was his job



Dear_one
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12 May 2022, 7:40 pm

ChrisInAustralia wrote:
<snip> He was being a provider because he was told that was his job


Maybe also to keep his family from homelessness and hunger. The world needs adults.



ChrisInAustralia
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12 May 2022, 7:49 pm

Dear_one wrote:
ChrisInAustralia wrote:
<snip> He was being a provider because he was told that was his job


Maybe also to keep his family from homelessness and hunger. The world needs adults.


My family was always well provided for, lots of overseas holidays, certainly food. I played with my kids and showed them my love CONSTANTLY



shlaifu
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12 May 2022, 8:15 pm

Distant.
I'm not entirely sure which side of the family I have my autism traits from, there were ww2 rocket scientists (first Nazi, later Nasa) and tinkerers on my mother's side, and engineers on my father's, but both my parents seemed well adjusted, liberal in comparison to their conservative background, but conservative compared to my generation. Now that my Dad's in his seventies, he seems bigotted, occasionally racist, often classist.

I don't think my father enjoyed family life much. He had a managerial position most of his life and seems to have been good at managing employees. Not so much his own children. Anger issues, or, just not capable of dealing with children with autistic meltdowns.
Neither was my mother, to be fair. But I got smacked a lot for being "hysterical". Which didn't exactly help.

I'm now much older than my parents were when they had children, and I wonder what made them think they'd be good at this. I mean, I can't imagine raising children, just, making little humans who are totally emotionally dependent on me. What kind of hubris do people have to have to just make more people?


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ChrisInAustralia
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12 May 2022, 8:22 pm

shlaifu wrote:
Distant.
I'm not entirely sure which side of the family I have my autism traits from, there were ww2 rocket scientists (first Nazi, later Nasa) and tinkerers on my mother's side, and engineers on my father's, but both my parents seemed well adjusted, liberal in comparison to their conservative background, but conservative compared to my generation. Now that my Dad's in his seventies, he seems bigotted, occasionally racist, often classist.

I don't think my father enjoyed family life much. He had a managerial position most of his life and seems to have been good at managing employees. Not so much his own children. Anger issues, or, just not capable of dealing with children with autistic meltdowns.
Neither was my mother, to be fair. But I got smacked a lot for being "hysterical". Which didn't exactly help.

I'm now much older than my parents were when they had children, and I wonder what made them think they'd be good at this. I mean, I can't imagine raising children, just, making little humans who are totally emotionally dependent on me. What kind of hubris do people have to have to just make more people?


See my parents were a lot like that, or close enough to it. I knew instinctively that I was able to give kids what they needed, because I knew what that was from not getting it. My kids are 21 and 25, still live with me or near me, still close to them. People often commented on how good a father I was.



shlaifu
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12 May 2022, 8:47 pm

ChrisInAustralia wrote:
shlaifu wrote:
Distant.
I'm not entirely sure which side of the family I have my autism traits from, there were ww2 rocket scientists (first Nazi, later Nasa) and tinkerers on my mother's side, and engineers on my father's, but both my parents seemed well adjusted, liberal in comparison to their conservative background, but conservative compared to my generation. Now that my Dad's in his seventies, he seems bigotted, occasionally racist, often classist.

I don't think my father enjoyed family life much. He had a managerial position most of his life and seems to have been good at managing employees. Not so much his own children. Anger issues, or, just not capable of dealing with children with autistic meltdowns.
Neither was my mother, to be fair. But I got smacked a lot for being "hysterical". Which didn't exactly help.

I'm now much older than my parents were when they had children, and I wonder what made them think they'd be good at this. I mean, I can't imagine raising children, just, making little humans who are totally emotionally dependent on me. What kind of hubris do people have to have to just make more people?


See my parents were a lot like that, or close enough to it. I knew instinctively that I was able to give kids what they needed, because I knew what that was from not getting it. My kids are 21 and 25, still live with me or near me, still close to them. People often commented on how good a father I was.


My older brother has two boys, and I sometimes feel a bit jealous for how well he seems to be able to respond to their emotional needs, even when he is stressed and visibly has to make an effort.
I mean, I'm jealous of the boys for growing up like this. One of them has a lot of autistic traits, so I gave my brother some temple grandin to read....

One of the most noticable things my brother does is admit when he's wrong (and so do I, towards the boys). My father was always right, even when he was not, if you know what I mean. When the sun was shining and my eyes hurt, he would say that it wasn't that bright and I should stop complaining, that kind of stuff. Maybe he has no theory of mind, or doesn't know that other people have other sensory impressions, other bodies, basically... Or maybe he's just self-centered.


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ChrisInAustralia
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12 May 2022, 8:51 pm

shlaifu wrote:
One of the most noticable things my brother does is admit when he's wrong (and so do I, towards the boys). My father was always right, even when he was not, if you know what I mean. When the sun was shining and my eyes hurt, he would say that it wasn't that bright and I should stop complaining, that kind of stuff. Maybe he has no theory of mind, or doesn't know that other people have other sensory impressions, other bodies, basically... Or maybe he's just self-centered.



I hear you on this. My parents assumed they had to pretend to be infallible. I always openly told my kids that parenting was a learn on the job position and I was doing my best. If they proved me wrong, it was an opportunity to show them how to be humble and apologise for my mistakes. I think it was better for them but also less stress on me