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kraftiekortie
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16 May 2022, 5:12 pm

I don't see anything wrong with being "nice"---as long as one doesn't let people take advantage of the "niceness."

I wouldn't give away something that is of value to me



HeroOfHyrule
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16 May 2022, 5:14 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm the type that sometimes gives TMI (too much information) :)

Sometimes, people believe folks who give out TMI are "retarded." Sometimes, people have thought that I was "retarded" because I am so friendly and seemingly naive.

"Retard" was a common insult directed at me in elementary and junior high school. One kid paid somewhat mightily for calling me "retarded."

One thing, though.....when I was 9 years old, I used to like to watch kids from the "retarded school" play in their schoolyard. I used to watch them from high above that schoolyard. Some one came over to me and told me to "beat it." I guess they didn't believe I was "retarded," even though I told the guy that I "used to be retarded."

I was also once thrown out of my old "special school" bodily when I came over to that school to visit it after I was thrown out because my family couldn't afford the tuition.

People in school used to act like I was weird for hanging out with special ed. kids, and I had teachers get angry at me for hanging around them. In reality I was in special ed. for awhile and thrived socially there, so I learned who I got along with and just was seeking out kids on my social level. I honestly should have probably stayed in special ed. longer for both academic and social reasons since I did horribly when they decided I had "caught up" enough and kicked me out.



HeroOfHyrule
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16 May 2022, 5:22 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Aren't people with downs syndrome and William's syndrome often "too friendly" too?

I don't think I'm "too friendly", as I do have social boundaries. But I have been accused of being nosy though, because of wanting to be emotionally involved in the gossip in the workplace. But I think those people were just judgemental.

I'm shy around strangers and I tend to avoid eye contact. I'm not the sort to start chatting to anybody. At the hairdresser's I just sit in silence unless they talk to me. Otherwise I don't know what to say. I hear other people monologuing on about themselves and their lives and I can tell the hairdresser just pretends to be interested, but I feel that if I went on and on about myself I'd feel like a self-obsessed narcissist. But I don't like to ask the hairdresser questions about their lives because, to be honest, I'm not interested. I only do small talk.

I guess. I just don't hear about a lot of autistic people being "too friendly". People act like we're supposed to hate socializing and be incapable of being nice, so I thought I'd ask if other people here are friendly, too.

I also am shy around strangers, but I still try to be friendly to them. The shyness is just from my confusion about what to do when I meet someone new, and I still have the desire to socialize with them.



Joe90
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16 May 2022, 5:24 pm

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Aren't people with downs syndrome and William's syndrome often "too friendly" too?

I don't think I'm "too friendly", as I do have social boundaries. But I have been accused of being nosy though, because of wanting to be emotionally involved in the gossip in the workplace. But I think those people were just judgemental.

I'm shy around strangers and I tend to avoid eye contact. I'm not the sort to start chatting to anybody. At the hairdresser's I just sit in silence unless they talk to me. Otherwise I don't know what to say. I hear other people monologuing on about themselves and their lives and I can tell the hairdresser just pretends to be interested, but I feel that if I went on and on about myself I'd feel like a self-obsessed narcissist. But I don't like to ask the hairdresser questions about their lives because, to be honest, I'm not interested. I only do small talk.

I guess. I just don't hear about a lot of autistic people being "too friendly". People act like we're supposed to hate socializing and be incapable of being nice, so I thought I'd ask if other people here are friendly, too.

I also am shy around strangers, but I still try to be friendly to them. The shyness is just from my confusion about what to do when I meet someone new, and I still have the desire to socialize with them.


Same with me, I'm shy but friendly.


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HeroOfHyrule
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16 May 2022, 5:25 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't see anything wrong with being "nice"---as long as one doesn't let people take advantage of the "niceness."

I wouldn't give away something that is of value to me

Sometimes I don't fully want to give people things, but I feel selfish if I don't. That might partly be from "appeasement" behaviours that I have, since I was called selfish by my immediate family a lot. I had to "give" a lot to be treated with respect.



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16 May 2022, 5:49 pm

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't see anything wrong with being "nice"---as long as one doesn't let people take advantage of the "niceness."

I wouldn't give away something that is of value to me

Sometimes I don't fully want to give people things, but I feel selfish if I don't. That might partly be from "appeasement" behaviours that I have, since I was called selfish by my immediate family a lot. I had to "give" a lot to be treated with respect.


That isn't respect you're getting from them by giving your things away.

Next time you have the urge to give something away, go somewhere private for 5mins and think if you really want to part with that thing. Do you not deserve to keep it for yourself? Putting yourself first does not make you selfish. It's self-care.

Why did your family call you selfish? Is proving to your family you're not selfish doing anything positive for you?


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16 May 2022, 5:56 pm

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
I know autistic people aren't supposed to be "friendly", but I'm wondering if others are also considered to be "too friendly" by others?

Autistic people are bad at reading social cues. Many are friendly to a fault, because they cannot grasp that they are in a situation where that friendliness is inappropriate or unwarranted, or because they cannot detect the other person"s negative traits, like manipulativeness.



Joe90
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16 May 2022, 6:08 pm

Quote:
Sometimes I don't fully want to give people things, but I feel selfish if I don't. That might partly be from "appeasement" behaviours that I have, since I was called selfish by my immediate family a lot. I had to "give" a lot to be treated with respect.


Ah, that's because you're on the spectrum and it's been drummed into us that we must love and respect everyone and constantly do kind deeds all the time otherwise we "lack empathy". And being accused of lacking empathy makes us feel worried that we're psychopaths or something, so we do all we can to please others and make others happy just so our autism label doesn't fool people into thinking we're selfish, heartless psychos.

This is why I hate being on the spectrum and why I don't tell anybody. That way I can be selfish if I choose to be and nobody will lecture me. People only lecture you for being "selfish" if they know you're on the spectrum. Otherwise, being selfish is a human thing.


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16 May 2022, 6:09 pm

I’m friendly and people often trust me with all sorts of private stuff, but I’m very tight-lipped about my own personal life. It’s like I don’t know how to talk about it. I think it’s hard to tell people some stuff while avoiding everything that I don’t want to share, which is a lot!


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HeroOfHyrule
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16 May 2022, 6:58 pm

Where_am_I wrote:
HeroOfHyrule wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't see anything wrong with being "nice"---as long as one doesn't let people take advantage of the "niceness."

I wouldn't give away something that is of value to me

Sometimes I don't fully want to give people things, but I feel selfish if I don't. That might partly be from "appeasement" behaviours that I have, since I was called selfish by my immediate family a lot. I had to "give" a lot to be treated with respect.


That isn't respect you're getting from them by giving your things away.

Next time you have the urge to give something away, go somewhere private for 5mins and think if you really want to part with that thing. Do you not deserve to keep it for yourself? Putting yourself first does not make you selfish. It's self-care.

Why did your family call you selfish? Is proving to your family you're not selfish doing anything positive for you?

I don't really think I'm going to be treated with "respect" now, but it's just such an ingrained behaviour that it's hard to stop. I also guess I sometimes feel like I deserve things less than others, even if they're my own things or things I need myself.

My family also expected me to do whatever was needed to please them and keep the peace, and if I didn't do or give what they wanted from me I would get called selfish.



Where_am_I
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16 May 2022, 7:28 pm

I'm sorry your immediate family treated you that way.

You deserve nice things too. Others are not more important than you. Another method you could try using to stop yourself from giving your stuff away is to have a discussion about the item, informing them where to purchase one for themselves and how useful it is to you. Don't, under any circumstances, offer to buy it for them!


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18 May 2022, 7:49 pm

I am nicer to people than I would like to be. I'm naturally rather feisty and argumentative, but other people have feelings and stuff, so I try to be nicer just to be safe. For me personally, becoming nice and considerate showed growth, maturity and self control. I know I could just open my mouth and rip someone to pieces, but I choose to be nice and helpful. It is a choice, and that boosts my confidence instead of diminishes it.


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18 May 2022, 8:35 pm

Often had stages in my life where I appear to others as being too friendly which eventually ends up with me dissasociating myself with everyone and withdrawing myself and gradually re-introducing people back into my life and this cycle would repeat...

But finally I have learned a tactic which works and that is if I find someone who starts to be come a good friend I will distance myself because I like them and I do not want them to find me as a burden to them.

Online is different because it has a buffer zone.

Also a dating boyfriend/girlfriend situation is different because one is not seen as a burden.

I don't want to put myself down in what I say, because I do not think I am doing anything wrong. Is more that in the past I have made friends and then lose them because I have somehow been seen as a "Oh no. Not "Him" again!" type of person, which I never intended to be. (So I would then distance myself and the people will get upset if I distance myself so I do not know what to do).


What I am saying is that other people would be welcomed but I would be feeling like others would rather I not be friends to them, but at the same time they appear to be friendly?
Nope! I don't get it so in real life (As in not on the internet) I do tend to distance myself so I don't end up feeling like I am bothering people.

Many times I have been told I am too nice.

I once had a girl reject me for a date because she said I was too nice.



Dellbeam
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20 May 2022, 9:06 pm

Not as much, but I do feel like I'm a huge people pleaser. As in, I try anything that I can to not make people upset unless they don't like me. This basically got my Discord account hijacked because I felt like I would be hurting the guy's feelings if I said no to them. Despite the fact that it was a scam from the start and nobody really told me about it until I made a Reddit post about what happened.



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21 May 2022, 8:23 am

I probably used to behave more familiarly with people than some of them felt comfortable with. I was never openly told that but sometimes I noticed people backing off and looking a bit scared of me. I was probably rather indiscreet and irreverent, and would presume they wanted to hear me say whatever came into my head that I thought was interesting or witty. I've never liked using honorifics and always preferred forenames whoever it was. It was like "if we're not big mates, why are we talking to each other? I used to think they were a bit odd for being so stand-offish and straight laced. I think in my heart of hearts I wanted to be a big cuddly dog.

I've modified my interpersonal style to better match the world's expectations since those days, and I've probably become rather more dignified and snobbish myself. But I still liked it when I found the country folks in Arkansas were friendlier than the city people in the UK. Arkansans, particularly the older ones, will often chatter away with complete strangers as if they've known them for years.



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21 May 2022, 9:51 am

I lacked the typical amount of "stranger danger" as a child. Even now I am "overly" open.

There is a "too nice" characteristic associated with physical aspects called "Angelman's Syndrome" which overlaps with ASD. I relate strongly to it, but without the strong physical aspects (albeit my ASD daughter and I both had a hint of scoliosis as kids).

If mirror neurons are a thing then I suspect mine are hyperactive.