Friendships with the opposite sex

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If anyone ever needs concrete documentation that, yes, there truly is truth on the internet ...

I was deeply involved in the founding of and the doing of a local model RR club from 2009 to 2019 and much to my surprise and disappointment no actual friendships developed from it.

Primary reason for that looks to be that their lives were already filled to overflowing by their own jobs and families.

The male friends I have had earlier in life originated in shared hobby interests whether we met at school, work, or by chance.

"Thanks" to health decline I no longer can work or go to classes, so those venues for meeting people are out.
And after the summer of 2019 I've had to give up model train club.
But, hey, no actual friendships had developed there anyway, so what was lost?

It has been since 2007 that I've had, have developed, any male friends.

Currently have only one actual friend here in town, a 70 year old gal from our creative writers group.
There is one guy in the group but Allen works an overnight shift, so he's not much available.

And with several health things severely limiting what I can go do, and when I can go do, and even severely limiting what I can do at home alone, I don't see how the status quo is changeable.

It’s odd.. never solicited male relationships .. nor would I at this point in life …. But coincidences have played a big role in the friends I have now .And having done business repeatedly with the same people . Plus maybe growing up with brothers . And having been happily
married to a Car / Aircraft enthusiast and Aerospace engineer (RIP).Whose hobbies I shared . Allowed me to be able to relate and have input on some of mens type interests .

Having been on the net ,here especially since eventually participating in threads on wrong planet. Have found the internet to be a source of some nice acquaintances/ friends .
Have found that physical limitations on anatomy since several life mishaps affecting my health has also stunted my ability to do much in the way of Real Life friendships.
Hope you might find some acquaintances here too Kitesandtrainsandcats, Am quite certain that we have our share of Model RailRoad people here on WP . Think MountainGoat might agree with me about that .

Yes, do have a couple. MG and I do message sometimes.

The lack of local friends is really bugging me and I don't know if that can be improved.

The first answer is to go out more and get involved in more things so as to meet more people.
Half a dozen different health things adding up makes that non-doable; by the time neurological autoimmune disease, endocrine disease, mitochondrial disease, et al, do their effects there is neither the physical energy nor the mental energy to do that going and doing.

And even when I do go and do, it turns out that in not being married, not having children/grandchildren, not working, not owning property, not traveling, not watching TV & movies, my life exists in a totally different reality from the other people's lives - there is no commonality, no connection.

When I was a kid I got along better with boys, because they tolerated my "weirdness" and my interests more, but as an adult I get along with women more. Men don't tolerate my "weirdness", but women, especially older women, are more empathetic and tolerate me better.

Thank you both for your comments. Physical limitations can certainly make maintaining friendships difficult. Luckily the internet can keep us connected. I have made some great friends over the years via the internet and been able to maintain friendship after moving a great distance away.

I had two female friends at work.
I was in my late 20's and they were in their 40s and 50s.
They were very protective of me, almost like mother-figures.
We spent hours together on our break times, and went out for meals.

One of them had profound sensory issues and may have been autistic.
She used to pass out and require an ambulance if anyone wore perfume.
The other was quirky and fun with purple nail polish.

Friendships with women my own age never worked out.

I should mention I was friends with lots of male colleagues as well.
We spent a lot of time together even though they were married.
We were always intellectual equals but also had a lot of laughs.

Last edited by IsabellaLinton on 17 May 2022, 4:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Welcome.

Hmm.. okay can identify with most of what you wrote here . But have managed a few connections in Real Life . And what you write about commonalities, it seems a number of Aspies might have that in common with you .
But I cannot speak for everyone here . Perhaps a ” not being married, not having children/grandchildren, not working, not owning property, not traveling, not watching TV & movies“ club could form or various variations on that ?

And your also Welcome …

Solicited is not quite the word I would use. It's not something I actively seek out, rather, due to shared interest, friendship is the natural outcome.

@HeroOfHyrule and @IsabellaLinton

I actually have had the pleasure of working with two older women. I felt I had a great working relationship with both of them. They were both kind and generous women. One of them, I still email with from time to time. The other I lost touch with.

I suppose one benefit of being seen as the therapist friend is that people are often quite direct with me. Unfortunately, not so much with others. I do occasionally end up in situations where I know secrets from both sides and I'm just sat there thinking please just talk to each other. Usually I keep secrets, but I reveal them if necessary. I tend to find if someone wants to vent but can't find the words; a good strategy is to invite them somewhere and do an activity together. Even if it's just sitting around drinking tea and talking about random nonsense. Often the person will reveal what's bothering them in due time. I don't like to pressure people into opening up and I know that sometimes people just need time to organise their thoughts.

One of my male friends I find tricky to read. He often coats things in humour and speaks indirectly. I've also noticed he has a habit of holding grudges. Granted, he's been through a lot so I can understand to an extent. Whereas, I have a female friend who's very much an open book and surprisingly cheery for what she's been through. I do worry she's putting on an act for my sake perhaps. Still, I have mentioned that she can confide in me if needed. My point being is that it can vary.

I think it's important to note that it's OK to say that you're not up for hearing someone vent. Sometimes you're just not in the right headspace. If someone asks to vent and I'm not feeling up to it, I let them know. When a friendship becomes one-sided (they're always confiding in you but you don't feel like you can confide in them) then it may be worth revaluating that friendship. I'm getting a tad off-topic here though.

I've been on both ends of that.

In school, males were much more aggressive with my differences and they had their own backs. Males who were quirky were treated better and integrated in their group more.

Then, online, for a while, I found to really be able to hold longer friendships with males but not without issue or judgements.

Males in my city are very judging and insensitive, my quirks easily come out on the street even if they dont know me, they rudely point out anything unusual about me, hairstyle, clothes, etc. I don't get why males would be interested in this, and I think they are disgusting and run their mouths unnecessarily. They have a fun time pointing it out to their girlfriends, and I don't know how those girls tolerate that behaviour in the one they respect and expect maturity from. Somehow, I don't think they get treated very well either.

Very, very True.
Most auties wouldn't be able to handle LD's social networks.
I often need to find space to work through the emotional overload as a result of just relating with one person.
LD seems to be in a class of her own.

Aren't autistic people "meant" to be ultra-individualistic individuals?
Or have I been reading the wrong books?

I find the lack of tolerance for diversity of thought, in an autistic community, very odd, indeed.