Does anyone have a primary Or a navigator?

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Wizard of Oz
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01 Jun 2022, 8:25 pm

Hello everyone. Does anyone have a primary or a navigator to survive/understand the world?
A primary is a girlfriend. A navigator is a parent or person of wisdom that we are always with.
I/we bond to the primary or navigator. Always with them. When I don’t have either, I can not survive or understand the world…. Anyone out there like me?



Dear_one
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01 Jun 2022, 9:13 pm

I have a counsellor I can call in a crisis, and a couple of friends who can give advice on some matters. You might want to join an "Adult Children Anonymous" 12-step group, and ask for a "sponsor."



Wizard of Oz
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01 Jun 2022, 9:28 pm

Thank you. I was thinking more on the lines of a personal manager. There is a major trauma history. Not something to be fixed by conventional, only accommodated.



Dear_one
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01 Jun 2022, 9:38 pm

Yes, full time would be ideal. I could have made a manager rich, but there were no takers. However, what little help is available may make you more self-reliant, so it turns out to be more than it seems at first.



IsabellaLinton
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01 Jun 2022, 11:02 pm

Yes I'm like that but I don't mind. I like sheltering away from the world and being in my own bubble.

I have a partner (2.5 years) but we don't live together and I don't ask him to do things for me.
I think my daughter is likely my navigator, which is funny because she's also ASD / ADHD.
She takes care of me as much as I take care of her. Likely, way more.



ToughDiamond
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02 Jun 2022, 6:02 am

No, it's in my nature to try and solve everything myself. When I can't, I do look for help from other people to fix the specific problem I'm stuck on, and there was a time when I'd latch onto whoever would respond to my plea, and I'd try to milk them for as much help as I could get from them, though in time I learned that people generally don't like that, so these days I try to limit how much of their time I attempt to take up.

My wife does a lot for me when I'm in the USA because I'd have a lot of trouble living independently there, not being qualified to drive in the US and there being long distances to travel just to buy a can of beans, and she's a lot more au fait with American bureaucracy than I am. I don't even have a mobile phone that works where she lives in the USA, and I don't know how to use her smartphone, so a lot of the communication tasks end up on her plate. I don't like the feeling of being so "disabled" and needy there, but it would take a lot of money and effort to change the situation very much. And I think I do my bit to return the help she gives me - I'm quite good at thinking problems through and at working out practical and technical matters, and she seems to appreciate my help in many ways. And she's got enough to do rescuing her daughter (who has more severe ASD than I have) and looking after her parents, one of whom is very ill and will probably die soon leaving the other one more dependent on her than ever, and then of course she has her own problems to solve. She has a counsellor who gives her some emotional and practical support here and there, but usually she solves her own problems.

When I'm in the UK it's different - I can walk to the shops, I've got my landline for phone calls, I have a bicycle and can get around by bus and rail, and until recently I had a primitive mobile phone that worked quite well. But I got home recently after 2 and a half years "trapped" in the USA because of the pandemic, and as I'd predicted I was met by a plethora of difficulties in getting all the important services working again, and I still haven't solved all of them. I was surprised how "disabled" I became in the US because of the different environment, and remembered how independent I'd been in the UK as proof that there was more than my disability behind the problems, but the world seems to get more complicated every day and I've begun to fear that my ability to fix my own problems may be in decline, even in the UK.

I know of nobody in the UK who I could use as a personal guru or guide. I wasn't assigned a case worker on diagnosis - the NHS doesn't seem to have such a thing. I've got my son and my sister, and of course my wife is only an audiocall or an email away, but I only ask for their help when I've tried hard to fix the problem myself, and even then I often find there isn't a lot they can do.

I wouldn't recommend anybody to lean too heavily on another person, in case that person suddenly becomes unable to help, but I can see how in some cases it has to be that way. Just that I prefer a more reciprocal arrangement with people, giving help as well as receiving it, and "using" different people for the types of problem that the individual person is good at fixing. In other words, a network of interdependency rather than me being highly dependent on one person. But my list of appropriate experts is rather shorter than it would need to be, probably because I'm not socially very active so I don't have many contacts.



Edna3362
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02 Jun 2022, 5:20 pm

From where I came from, anyone can be a willing navigator.

If I have any...
It's not an individual. It's a network.
One that exists before I was born, and one I scarcely interact.

I've yet to trust the idea of being helped reliably, let alone trust the whole interdependence dynamics.


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autisticelders
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02 Jun 2022, 5:34 pm

I got diagnosis at age 68, long after I had married and we had raised our children, we retired and I had time to study and learn. It was at that late stage that I learned about my autism and suddenly so much of the past finally clicked into place and made sense.
I have lived with the same man for over 40 years, and he probably is the reason I am alive today. He has given me structure, shelter, understanding, freedom,safety, believed in me, comforted me, supported me in all ways.
I am pretty sure without him I would have been dead in a gutter long ago.
I have been so lucky/ blessed to have him in my life.
The first 30 years of my life was hell, and I was such a wreck of a human being, but he picked me up. I still can't understand why, and he stuck by me all those years of struggles, healing and discovery and I would not be here without him.
He is my primary and navigator, and so much more.
Not a day goes by that I don't remember where I was before and appreciate him and count my blessings where I am now.
I could never imagine the way life has turned out for me. <3 I am deeply grateful. <3


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y-pod
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03 Jun 2022, 4:40 am

I think I'm the navigator for everybody in my family. Especially my mom, who's like a whiny teenager who needs guidance and boundaries all the time. My navigators (parent figure) have all passed away. To be honest I don't feel comfortable sharing my inner feelings with anybody right now.


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03 Jun 2022, 5:23 am

Could have used one of these some 20 yrs ago.. Most likely would have helped me quite abit . But have had to inadvertently learn things that I might not have otherwise. Hubby was my life’s Navigator .. But we did lean on each other for our strengths. But he gave Sooo much more . Would easily have died without him in the 1990s .
Have been floundering since his passing . He will always be seriously missed . And have been trying to avoid being targeted by much less than ethical people on a ongoing basis , it would seem. As a ongoing thing .
Lost a great deal of valuable possessions due to these circumstances . Perhaps his Spirit still looks on after me.
Otherwise perhaps would have joined him years ago .


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ThisTimelessMoment
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03 Jun 2022, 5:44 am

Yes. I have a romantic partner without whom things would be very different. My biggest struggle is with earning a living. I'm fully functional in many respects, but having less than zero confidence has prevented me from ever having a proper career. I have mostly flitted between things. I tried REALLY hard to improve the situation but due to burnout have had to reduce my expectations of myself. At least for a while. My partner and I have an agreement where she earns most of the money and I do a whole lot of the supporting functions. With occasional adjustments, it seems to work quite well. And as I relax into not being in a complete panic about just surviving, I feel the possibilitys for me earning money being to open up.


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03 Jun 2022, 3:50 pm

My (s)daughter agreed to be my official carer a year or two ago. It was done as I was having my annual care act review. At some point I will make her power of attorney.



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03 Jun 2022, 4:05 pm

I have a stuffed cat. I trust her judgment more than mine. :oops:


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Jakki
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04 Jun 2022, 8:29 am

Have a few friends , am really hoping one of them might come through as time passes .


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Wizard of Oz
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05 Jun 2022, 8:00 am

In Florida, we had activity groups. Isolation was causing suicides. And when people with trauma were being gas lit by medical, they were bringing guns into medical facilities. Fortunately, law enforcement knew what some medical practitioners were doing. They disarmed the situation.

We could not have this. I have friends in medical and also people who needed assistance, a friend. So we formed activity groups. Natural selection takes place. We would help each other.

But here is Bangor there is no facilitation. There is no networking, and the community is by stander, despondent, and apathetic. I tell these people that I am alone, that I can’t write books or be productive always alone. And no one does anything to help me or anyone else for that matter….



Dear_one
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05 Jun 2022, 8:18 am

^^ I moved to the boondocks when my support group turned sour. The new popularity of Zoom meetings has helped break the isolation here.
^^ ^^ Hi Jakki! How's the housing going?