Trouble with formulating correct responses

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Lady Strange
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26 Jun 2022, 1:14 pm

Yes I too have found clear and direct typically is not what people like. It does get very frustrating.



Joe90
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26 Jun 2022, 4:28 pm

I actually dislike directness and bluntness and I'm hardly ever direct or blunt in daily social interaction because I'm too sensitive to their feelings.

I actually get frustrated with people who are too direct or blunt, which is why I sometimes have to think before starting new threads here.


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27 Jun 2022, 6:47 am

Joe90 wrote:
I actually dislike directness and bluntness and I'm hardly ever direct or blunt in daily social interaction because I'm too sensitive to their feelings.

I actually get frustrated with people who are too direct or blunt, which is why I sometimes have to think before starting new threads here.


Can you tell me why you dislike directness and bluntness? I am genuinely interested to know because I don't understand it.


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27 Jun 2022, 7:54 am

KitLily wrote:
The other thing that annoys me is, so many 'gurus' or whatever advise us to be clear and direct with people. They say that people appreciate those who are clear and direct, and trust them more.

Well that is complete nonsense in my experience. I am clear and direct but I'm accused of being rude, blunt, harsh etc. People prefer those who skirt around the subject, phrase things in flowery language, drop hints about what they mean.

At least that's what it's like in England. Directness is NOT appreciated. It has got me a reputation as being rude and someone to avoid.

What's a girl to do? *shrugs*


I get this too ….. and am no good at my public speech… which becomes hard to do , if I have to moderate my speech constantly, it is almost like my point gets lost in the effort to do this :wall: absolutely NO luck what so ever with
Understanding pecking order, :scratch: it seems that people use that to destroy the point that your trying to get across .?
When I have to offer multiple descriptions of what I am saying, it starts to feel as if ,( I need to dumb down my language ) ? 8O


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KitLily
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27 Jun 2022, 9:37 am

Jakki wrote:
I get this too ….. and am no good at my public speech… which becomes hard to do , if I have to moderate my speech constantly, it is almost like my point gets lost in the effort to do this :wall: absolutely NO luck what so ever with
Understanding pecking order, :scratch: it seems that people use that to destroy the point that your trying to get across .?
When I have to offer multiple descriptions of what I am saying, it starts to feel as if ,( I need to dumb down my language ) ? 8O


Yes, the point gets lost doesn't it.

It seems if you are low in the pecking order, no one can hear what you say or bothers to listen anyway. I've been in situations where someone has gone round the room asking each person for their story/opinion, yet I'm mysteriously missed out. Many times. It's like I'm invisible :?


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Joe90
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27 Jun 2022, 10:19 am

KitLily wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
I actually dislike directness and bluntness and I'm hardly ever direct or blunt in daily social interaction because I'm too sensitive to their feelings.

I actually get frustrated with people who are too direct or blunt, which is why I sometimes have to think before starting new threads here.


Can you tell me why you dislike directness and bluntness? I am genuinely interested to know because I don't understand it.


I don't understand it either...it just feels better not to be told the whole truth in some contexts. It can feel humiliating I suppose. I don't like giving people blunt answers myself (unless the subject doesn't really involve emotions of course).


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27 Jun 2022, 11:03 am

How do you tell when a NT might be Lying ……( their mouth is moving) :scratch:

Just teasing ….. uhm ,,,,mostly :roll:
(Written in jest,)

Yes I get the invisibility issue too . :|


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Joe90
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27 Jun 2022, 11:14 am

Jakki wrote:
How do you tell when a NT might be Lying ……( their mouth is moving) :scratch:

Just teasing ….. uhm ,,,,mostly :roll:
(Written in jest,)

Yes I get the invisibility issue too . :|


Well, um...hard to explain... :)

Sometimes lies are believable, otherwise nobody would bother telling lies at all. There's loads of different sorts of lying. I've told lies before that actually got believed, like when I lied to my mum about having a boyfriend once and she believed me, and no she wasn't playing along, she literally believed me. I was stupid though to make up a lie like that to my lovely mum but I was just bored with my dull life and wanted to lighten it up by making up things...wait I'm going off-topic now.

It's easy for anyone to believe the BS kind of lies if the person is convincing enough. Me and a few colleagues at work believed this guy when he was telling us how he had lots of friends he'd go out to London with and that he'd smuggled drugs into the country before. But then I found out that it was all BS and that he was really a lonely 45-year-old bachelor living at home with his parents and no friends. Yes, loneliness can get you making up different worlds in your head and wanting others to believe that your life is more interesting. He's an OK guy really and I'd date him if I were single.

I don't make up lies so much these days, I only do white lies.


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KitLily
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27 Jun 2022, 11:58 am

Joe90 wrote:
KitLily wrote:
Can you tell me why you dislike directness and bluntness? I am genuinely interested to know because I don't understand it.


I don't understand it either...it just feels better not to be told the whole truth in some contexts. It can feel humiliating I suppose. I don't like giving people blunt answers myself (unless the subject doesn't really involve emotions of course).


Thanks, don't worry, we can't always explain our feelings :)

I am always told I'm too blunt...but actually I'm holding back so I don't hurt their feelings! Which is frustrating as I'm already censoring myself. What would they think if I told them what I REALLY thought???


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27 Jun 2022, 11:36 pm

I can be very direct at times. It grates on peoples nerves.


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KitLily
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28 Jun 2022, 6:13 am

CockneyRebel wrote:
I can be very direct at times. It grates on peoples nerves.


Yes I don't understand that at all. I'd rather someone said to me 'I really don't like you' than whispering behind my back and playing games. Then I'd say 'okay, fine' and know where I stood.


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28 Jun 2022, 7:49 am

^^^^^ AGREEs^^^^


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28 Jun 2022, 9:45 am

I went to art school. We were always having to critique each others work. The blunt criticisms never really went over too well. People got angry and hurt. So eventually everyone learned the fine art of constructive criticism. People say they want you to be blunt but they really don't.

"The composition of this artwork does not work for me" typically goes over better than "I hate it." Or if a lady asks "Does this dress look good on me?" If you respond "No, it makes you look fat." They get angry. If you say, "No, it doesn't suit you." They are ok with it.

People want your honesty but softened. My mouth has gotten me in plenty of trouble in the past. But I try use constructive criticism and tact as much as possible and I often have to stop myself and really think before I speak.



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28 Jun 2022, 10:27 am

KitLily wrote:
CockneyRebel wrote:
I can be very direct at times. It grates on peoples nerves.


Yes I don't understand that at all. I'd rather someone said to me 'I really don't like you' than whispering behind my back and playing games. Then I'd say 'okay, fine' and know where I stood.


Yer, people on the spectrum say that but then they still sometimes get upset or hurt when someone is blunt with them.


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KitLily
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28 Jun 2022, 12:24 pm

SpiralingCrow wrote:
So eventually everyone learned the fine art of constructive criticism. People say they want you to be blunt but they really don't.

People want your honesty but softened.


Yes, they say they want you to be blunt but they don't!

I'm really talking about a different angle. I mean when people ask me 'what is the way to the post office?' or something. I quickly say 'take the 2nd left down the High Street, 1st right down Green Lane' and they don't seem to understand.

Or 'who are those people?' 'They are Jane's parents.' *blank stare*

Or 'do you know the answer to this question?' 'Yes, it's XYZ.' *blank stare*

I try and give precise, clear answers to questions like that, but people don't like it.

I'm not sure how I can change this. Start talking about the lovely views on the way to the post office? Give a rundown on Jane's parents' personalities? Lead up to the answer XYZ with some woffle about how I came to that conclusion?

It's beyond me :lol: :lol: :lol:


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28 Jun 2022, 12:52 pm

KitLily wrote:
SpiralingCrow wrote:
So eventually everyone learned the fine art of constructive criticism. People say they want you to be blunt but they really don't.

People want your honesty but softened.


Yes, they say they want you to be blunt but they don't!

I'm really talking about a different angle. I mean when people ask me 'what is the way to the post office?' or something. I quickly say 'take the 2nd left down the High Street, 1st right down Green Lane' and they don't seem to understand.

Or 'who are those people?' 'They are Jane's parents.' *blank stare*

Or 'do you know the answer to this question?' 'Yes, it's XYZ.' *blank stare*

I try and give precise, clear answers to questions like that, but people don't like it.

I'm not sure how I can change this. Start talking about the lovely views on the way to the post office? Give a rundown on Jane's parents' personalities? Lead up to the answer XYZ with some woffle about how I came to that conclusion?

It's beyond me :lol: :lol: :lol:


I have the same issue. You give information in the simplest way possible and they don't get it. Even after trying to rephrase it another way, they still don't understand. I wonder if tone of voice might have some effect and whether or not there are pauses between certain words. Perhaps we lack a certain cadence that they expect.