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NotHolyRomanOrAnEmpire
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22 Jul 2022, 11:38 am

It seems most people can just shrug it off as an annoyance but passive aggression is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Just one passive aggressive comment leaves me in a bad mood for hours afterwards. I don’t know why - it might be the dissonance between how a passive aggressive person presents themselves and what they’re actually saying, or it might be how the ambiguity lets them get away with saying really nasty things. It feels like an infuriating itch that I can’t scratch. I’m unlucky enough to live in Britain where this behaviour is highly normalised so just being around people on a daily basis puts my mental health in a terrible state.



Last edited by NotHolyRomanOrAnEmpire on 22 Jul 2022, 11:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

babybird
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22 Jul 2022, 11:47 am

One way to deal with it is; if you can't beat them join them.

To be honest I hate it too. I don't think people really realise they're doing it though so they wouldn't even understand if you called them out on it.

I'm the type of person to tell you what I think of you to your face and if I can't do that then I won't say it behind your back or be passive aggressive. I can be passive aggressive though and really sarcastic too but I just choose not to. I think it's rude and cowardly.


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Where_am_I
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22 Jul 2022, 11:51 am

I can really relate. I can't stand passive aggressive people. My workplace deals with things passive aggressively....one of the reasons I struggle to fit in is because I speak my mind.

I'm not sure how to deal with people like that. It's frustrating.


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naturalplastic
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22 Jul 2022, 11:55 am

Everyone hates it. But everyone indulges in it.

Sometimes it the only right response. Sometimes not.



BreathlessJade
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27 Aug 2022, 10:20 pm

i've dealt with at least 2 types of passive aggressive people.
Narcissistic: and the best thing is to act like you don't care or even notice (don't give them any power)
Smoody or even playful: these don't bother me as bad

somebody even called me passive aggressive once, i had no idea why but i received it and was more careful.



klanka
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28 Aug 2022, 7:54 am

I've been called passive agresive and other things by narcissists. they're really talking about themselves.
I was treated badly and my resentment came out in my tone of voice and actions. That was labelled passive aggression.
The real passive aggression is when someone talks to everyone but you in a room, on a consistent basis.



babybird
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28 Aug 2022, 8:22 am

Where_am_I wrote:
I can really relate. I can't stand passive aggressive people. My workplace deals with things passive aggressively....one of the reasons I struggle to fit in is because I speak my mind.

I'm not sure how to deal with people like that. It's frustrating.


I had a manager who used to manage via email. She sat literally 5 meters behind me. It was like she couldn't say what needed to be said to my face so she would be as passive aggressive as she could via email.

I find it fascinating.


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klanka
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28 Aug 2022, 9:01 am

Whenever I've confronted someone over passive aggression it's never gone well. They usually then say I'm being mean (with a huge emotional display, usually anger ) or then step up the behavior cos then I've just told them exactly how to get to me.



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28 Aug 2022, 9:41 am

Oh yeah passive aggressive people don't like to be told they're being passive aggressive.


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28 Aug 2022, 9:58 am

Deal with it?

I revel in it!

Nothing is as satisfying as watching some alpha bully get in trouble over losing his temper because somebody (me) would not do what he wanted, in his way, right now.

People have been dismissed from their jobs for attacking me after they had a public meltdown over the fact that they had no authority to tell me what to do or how to do my job.

Life is good.


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fluffyfern
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29 Aug 2022, 3:33 pm

Passive aggression is one of my biggest pet peeves. I typically ignore it when it's happening in real time. Like literally don't acknowledge or engage it at all, but it does still irk me mentally because i can't stand it when people don't just say what they want to say. I kind of want to learn to call people out on it though, not in an aggressive way but so that they see they're being immature and get them to say what's on their mind without being childish.



Fnord
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29 Aug 2022, 3:49 pm

Learning and employing a few P/A methods of your own against those people may get them off your back.


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funeralxempire
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29 Aug 2022, 3:55 pm

I often treat passive aggression no differently from aggression, in that it indicates that open conflict exists.

It's understandable when dealing with authorities but harder to justify when dealing with peers since clear and open conflict resolution is preferable to backhanded smarminess. Even aggression is preferable because aggression can be diffused; passive aggression just lingers and often justifies the other party's frustration in the long run.

Yes I'm being a dick but I won't tell you why and I'm gonna get away with it until you prove it is f*****g cowardly.

How to respond will vary on many factors, but with people who just do it because they're unable to pursue open conflict I generally alternate between ignoring them and demonstrating them to be the antagonist. There always comes a point where any passive-aggressive antagonist will let their mask slip and reveal themselves to just be engaging in aggressive behaviour while being clever enough to conceal their motives and the bad faith they speak in when defending it.

I guess that's where finding a balance between aggressive, passive-aggressive and passive ways of conflict management can come in handy.

Concession is useful when it's not significant and genuinely will secure an end to conflict.
Ignoring is a passive response that can be an option.
Being passive-aggressive typically won't end a conflict, at most it will fuel it so it's not a viable path towards resolution.
Open attempts at diplomacy can be an option if the other party has demonstrated that it's something they're agreeable to.
Open conflict will at least eventually lead to an end of hostilities.


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funeralxempire
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29 Aug 2022, 3:56 pm

fluffyfern wrote:
Passive aggression is one of my biggest pet peeves. I typically ignore it when it's happening in real time. Like literally don't acknowledge or engage it at all, but it does still irk me mentally because i can't stand it when people don't just say what they want to say. I kind of want to learn to call people out on it though, not in an aggressive way but so that they see they're being immature and get them to say what's on their mind without being childish.


That's a good way of confronting them, they want to draw an aggressive response from you so clowning them as you call them out in a playful manner can work by both shaming them as well as identifying them as the antagonist.


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29 Aug 2022, 5:32 pm

Now that I'm thinking about it, I haven't experienced passive aggressive behaviour for a while. I have a reputation for being a very direct speaker. People tend to switch their tactics when dealing with me. However, when I do come across passive aggressive behaviour, I either miss it completely, or (if I notice) call them out. E.g. 'I've noticed that whilst you say that it isn't an issue, your behaviour contradicts this idea'.

Admittedly this is a risky strategy as people can become defensive when questioned. Thankfully I don't come across much passive aggression in my life.


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klanka
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29 Aug 2022, 6:08 pm

does anyone have examples of p/a behaviour done to them?

Ive seen a few
-talking about a third party but really they are talking about you
-talking to everyone but you