Page 1 of 1 [ 11 posts ] 

Gammeldans
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 13 Dec 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 300

29 Dec 2022, 7:10 am

I have heard a lot about how we can have difficulties with taking the initiative.
If this is true, it means that we can have difficulties asking a friend if he/she wants do to something or just starting an activity (even if we have a big interest in it).

I have found that starting an activity can be tough if I don't know what to do, ie I need lots of instruction before doing something sometimes.
Contacting friends seems a bit difficult due to me not knowing how they will react or that I do not know what they want or have time to do.

I am not sure even "normal" people always find taking the initiative easy. They are probably better at breaking down tasks in general and knowing what to focus on although they sometimes have difficulties themselves.

Do you think this is true and do you have any strategies for dealing with initiative taking?



jogashill
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Dec 2022
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,785
Location: here

29 Dec 2022, 1:38 pm

i think that taking initiative can be difficult for some people, whether NT or not. i personally find it difficult to navigate the unspoken rules of initiative-taking -- such as where i have to make the first move in whatever circumstance. i've done this twice recently to "push" myself a little more, and afterwards felt almost ill that i did take the initiative when i had to wait for the outcome, and felt somehow that i had done something devastatingly wrong (because i didn't know all the "rules" and outcomes) and it took me a while to calm down. i recommend TO NOT beat yourself up or second guess yourself if you do decide to initiate. :) i think we may spend a goodly amount of time thinking of all the outcomes before we make a choice to initiate, or at least i do anyway. this of course gets infinitely more complicated if this has to do with people, as your post suggests, as it is hard to know how that initiation will be received.



hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,743
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

29 Dec 2022, 2:11 pm

Yes, it can be difficult for everyone.

What I do is plan an activity that I would be fine with doing alone. I invite other people. If they can't make it I don't feel rejected because I can go anyway and enjoy it by myself.



Gammeldans
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 13 Dec 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 300

30 Dec 2022, 5:36 am

jogashill wrote:
i think that taking initiative can be difficult for some people, whether NT or not. i personally find it difficult to navigate the unspoken rules of initiative-taking -- such as where i have to make the first move in whatever circumstance. i've done this twice recently to "push" myself a little more, and afterwards felt almost ill that i did take the initiative when i had to wait for the outcome, and felt somehow that i had done something devastatingly wrong (because i didn't know all the "rules" and outcomes) and it took me a while to calm down. i recommend TO NOT beat yourself up or second guess yourself if you do decide to initiate. :) i think we may spend a goodly amount of time thinking of all the outcomes before we make a choice to initiate, or at least i do anyway. this of course gets infinitely more complicated if this has to do with people, as your post suggests, as it is hard to know how that initiation will be received.

Unspoken rules? Why can't it be spoken about?

Most people refuse to speak about it even if they teach how to be more social. I guess they think we should just learn it anyway or that it is difficult to speak about.



jogashill
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Dec 2022
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,785
Location: here

30 Dec 2022, 7:28 am

[/quote]
Unspoken rules? Why can't it be spoken about?

Most people refuse to speak about it even if they teach how to be more social. I guess they think we should just learn it anyway or that it is difficult to speak about.[/quote]

i also do not know why they are unspoken? and when asking for clarification the query seems to go ignored, likely because the answer is assumed. but i wouldn't ask if i didn't know... it's like a trap. so i often don't ask because it seems better not to and then i just try to figure it out on my own. but maybe this is not your experience...



Gammeldans
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 13 Dec 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 300

03 Jan 2023, 6:02 am

What is the definition of "unspoken rule"?
Don't really understand that big term.



MissMary227
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 339

03 Jan 2023, 6:09 am

Hi.

In pondering your question, I realize most people ask me to do stuff with them as I have learned not to try to initiate social engagements, not only because they seem to fall flat, but because I have learned I usually derive more pleasure in doing things I like alone because there is no one to distract me.

But if I really dig the idea of doing something with someone and feel that it will edify my life (rare anymore), I will basically bluntly invite myself into their thing or invite them to do my thing. I don't really worry about it before-hand but am pretty bold I suppose. This does not extend to romance, only friendship. In romance I am a blithering idiot and second-guess everything. :mrgreen:

Basically, I am all or nothing. :roll:


_________________
Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.~Philippians 2:3


jogashill
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Dec 2022
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,785
Location: here

03 Jan 2023, 7:16 am

Gammeldans wrote:
What is the definition of "unspoken rule"?
Don't really understand that big term.


genrally, unspoken rules are basic rules that are implied in life - most generally like, "say please if you'd like something" or, alternatively, "thank you" when you receive something

i guess in regard to your question and my response what are the unspoken rules in initiation, esp for those in neurodivergent categories? how is communication "supposed" to happen in that regard that i may not be seeing or understanding? what is the natural course of expectation that maybe we aren't doing "right" (like, i'm super anxious someone hasn't responded in the amount of time i have allotted to an email or request or something...)

perhaps i strayed from your original thought there, i was mostly responding to your repetition of the word difficulties, such as this sentence: "They are probably better at breaking down tasks in general and knowing what to focus on although they sometimes have difficulties themselves." my interpretation of difficulties for me was the unspoken rules about initiation.

apologies if i misunderstood :)



Double Retired
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2020
Age: 69
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,344
Location: U.S.A.         (Mid-Atlantic)

04 Jan 2023, 11:29 am

Perhaps a related thread: "Autistic Inertia - Share your experience"?


_________________
When diagnosed I bought champagne!
I finally knew why people were strange.


hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,743
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

04 Jan 2023, 11:58 am

Gammeldans wrote:
What is the definition of "unspoken rule"?
Don't really understand that big term.


Something that people understand through observing how others around them act. No one told them the rule, they just pick it up.

We often struggle with this. I learned a lot of these unspoken rules through getting social norms wrong and sometimes I had to have the rule pointed out to me, but sometimes I noticed the pattern.

Spoken rules are things my parents taught me like wait until everyone is served before starting to eat. Keep your elbows off the dinner table. Say please when you ask for something. Don't just say I want.

Unspoken rules are things like only send one text message inviting someone to the cinema. Don't text them 5 times with the same question in one day or harass them to answer They will respond when they can. There's a possibility they may forget they read your message, so a few days later you can follow up with something like, "hey I'm going to book tickets for that movie. Do you want me to book one for you?" If they don't respond don't pester them for a response.

Texting rules were difficult for me to learn because it was new when I was a young adult and I had no guidance. I was a nuisance.

Edit: unspoken rules can be talked about, but they are called unspoken because people normally pick them up without needing to be told.



ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,581

04 Jan 2023, 11:39 pm

I certainly don't do much initiating with people. Rather than being proactive, I work by sometimes reacting strongly to what other people initiate, so if they start a ball rolling, I might give it a strong push forward if I'm particularly glad the started that particular ball. In this way I've had quite a large effect on some things. So I guess it's a coping strategy. I have started the occasional ball rolling myself, but only rarely.

I've got a theory or two about why I'm like this, but I don't really know why I am.