I am broken

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The latest bout of bullying and abuse that I have had over the past few weeks has left me completely crushed and destroyed. It has been so brutal that I feel like my mind has snapped. My spirit feels dead. I do believe that I am broken. I am not able to function. I don't know that I will be able to recover. I do not believe that I have the ability to ever be safe again. And the worst part is, the emotional part of me which is four years old, believes that it must somehow be my fault for being so bullied. I know intellectually that it is not and that no one deserves to be treated like this. But the four year old part of me has no ability to understand this. I also accidentally hurt one of the people that I love and trust the most and the four year old part of me cannot get over that. She is overwhelmed with guilt and grief because she hurt her friend. And she cannot get over this.

I think that it is possible that she is taking on the responsibility of the bullies attacking me onto herself and equating that to her hurting her friend and putting that onto herself. She can't understand why people would attack her. She can't understand why people bully her and abuse and hurt her. Because she has no way to conceptualize these concepts so in order to balance the emotional equation and have some sort of processing, the responsibility for the trauma has to be taken somehow. And so she takes it, not because she thinks she is actually responsible but because if the responsibility is not taken, the emotional equation has no way to be balanced and the damage becomes much more critical. Without having any psychological or emotional protective shield, this is the only way to try to have a mitigating effect on the trauma but the dichotomy of what my brain understands and feels from these conflicting perspectives and understandings in my own mind is manifesting into physical symptoms in my body which are also overwhelming my body and making me not be able to function. I have no way to ever be safe again.

It's not just a child who doesn't understand why people would attack her. When I was a young adult I still wouldn't understand it. I was so gullible and trusting, despite not trusting humans on a fundamental level.

Ironically today I enjoy it when I make people on social media get irrationally angry at me and attempt to bully me, while I keep displaying a stoic/unemotional attitude. Obviously I don't make many friends there lol

Last edited by Silence23 on 03 Mar 2023, 10:53 am, edited 2 times in total.

That's funny how you get your "revenge!"

What do you think would happen if you created an account on Twitter and deliberately made people get angry at you and bully you? Do you think it would still cause issues with your non-existant emotional shield? Maybe it could be used for desensitisation?

Sorry if this is a stupid advice. Obviously I can't completely understand your problem.

Thank you for trying. That is very sweet.

My issue is organic. it's an actual function that doesn't exist. So, I can't create the function.

You may be “broken” now but I think you will recover. You are still here because time and time again you have managed to find a way get out or overcome seemingly impossible problems. You will probably find some way again.

Of course while you are in the midst of it all it is hard to see a way out. For now use your autistic healing methoeds as much as you can. It’s ok to be a bit selfish during times like these.

Best of Luck, Feel better.

Would 4-year old you and your hurt friend enjoy some *chocolate?*

If "Yes" for both of you then you could get chocolate for both of you and take it to your hurt friend, explain why you wanted to share chocolate with them, then the two of you could enjoy the chocolate.

Thank you so much. Big hug

Oh yes. Thank you. You are all such amazing friends. I could not make it without you guys.

Ummm...If the chocolate doesn't go smoothly then just roll your eyes and blame me.

Note that you got the idea from an old guy you've never met and he has Autism so it's not surprising he's not good with things related to feelings.

P.S. I hope the chocolate does work...and tastes good!

I love chocolate. Thank you.

Are these bullies people you see in the street? In your building?

I get bullied a lot of places by a lot of people, but this particular incident happened at a sport place where I train.

You are welcome.

It is annoying to me that "reasonable" behavior is bully behavior to someone sensitive like me. It's like I have the emotional equivalent of osteoporosis (bones that break easily) and folks are like "stop being so sensitive". Ummm, that's not going to help the person with osteoporosis. Finally after 25 years I can say to my husband "please, don't yell" and his reply is not "I'm not yelling". dB and tone thressholds to me, dB and tone thresshold to him... yadda, yadda, yadda. I know you are talking about something far more than this, but it's something as basic as that and expanding exponentially outward. Sorry for the hard hardship.

I completely understand what you mean. I also struggle in a similar way. I have a particular sensitivity that causes me to experience emotional things too strongly. I don't associate my specific issue as meaning that the other person is bullying me, I just know that my brain's response is not typical because of the issue that I have. But the impact on my psychological, emotional, and mental states are the same even if, in those situations, the person is not actually bullying. So it does make it challenging.

And when the person is actively bullying, because of my issue, the consequences to me are much worse. But I can relate to what you are saying and I really feel for you. It is a challenging road.