ego dissolution....

Post Reply New Topic

is it common to experience a complete breakdown of one's ego upon learning that one is AS at a later stage in life? I am 28 and have known for less than a year now...I have constant perseverative thoughts in relation to asperger's syndrome and how it relates to my entire personality complex and life history, and this constant recycling of thoughts is accompanied by quite a few crying spells and other unusual bouts of emotion. My attention span is completely absorbed by constantly attending to these inner wounds, in fact I don't seem to have much of an attention span for anything else. One good thing that's come of this is I've finally worked up the courage to speak directly to family members about asperger's. I have also realized just how much I'd internalized the psychological abuse I've been through and how this filtered out into some of the ways I interacted with other people, in some slightly unpleasant ways that I'm not too proud of (though truth be told I was never THAT callous).
I guess what this all comes down to is I'm terrified that I'm competely, irrevocably broken and will never experience previous states of wholeness and health that I once took for granted. Is there a positive use for this process? Am I just describing the onset of a nervous breakdown? Or is this recylcing of the past characterisitic of regression? I've been feeling this way for several weeks and it doesn't seem to be getting better...I really could do without an outbreak of psychosis right now as I am being laid off from my job and need to do what I can to find another ASAP.
Ok so I'm sure someone here has "been there before" and can perhaps share a bit of insight or an amusing anecdote or helpful hints... I am just barely managing to keep it all together.

I was too lazy to read all that but you're identity has been challenged and your self' foundation has been shook.

Probably from the diagnosis.

I think I know what you're talking about. I'm 33 and just found out about Asperger's. It really was a double-edged sword. On one hand, I was so relieved to finally know why I always felt different and to know that there was a reason, other than "I'm just weird", for how I was. On the other hand, the label "autism" really did a number on how I saw myself. My reality was really turned upside down. I found that I started having extra difficulty not acting autistic around people. It was like my awareness of my AS traits intensified them. Also, there was no more thinking that if I just did xyz, I'd be just like everyone else. There was no making me just like everyone else, and that was hard to deal with even though I'd never had a problem dealing with being different before I learned about AS.

I'm just recently starting to feel "normal" again. I've accepted that I'm an Aspie, but I'm learning not to define myself by it. I'm even more different than I originally thought, yes, but I'm also the same weird, sarcastic, blunt woman I've always been who likes to psychoanalyze people and give advice. Of course, a lot of my re-self discovery is a result of finally escaping from an unhealthy relationship I was in for over a decade, but the steps to recovery are the same regardless of what the mechanism was that laid siege to your sense of self.

Does that make sense? I hope it does. I'm pretty sure I know how you feel. It's like all of the sudden finding out you live in the matrix. Give yourself some time to come to terms with everything. Just remember, you're still you. Finding out about AS doesn't change who you are. You just have more information about yourself now, that's all.

I seem to have been ruminating about AS for over two years, this has increased since I was diagnosed in December 06'. I am slowly coming to terms with it, it has changed the co-ordinates of my whole life, I see things in a new light.

Thanks for the responses ...it is good to finally feel understood somewhere. Part of the reason I am so reticent with people in the past few years is I've a bad habit of talking about my problems. Thanks for the empathy as well.

I relate to what you and spot17 say.
It was a relief to have an understanding and find people with the same outlook, experiences and problems etc as me, but it is pervading my life and I am finding it more difficult to function 'normally'.
I used to have problems obviously but could try to get along and also had the motivation of thinking that if I just worked hard then I could succeed.
Now it is like a problem with no fix and I will never succeed at being 'normal' so am trying less hard.
I hope that this will pass and I can just accept me and put the AS in the background and get on with life.

I have just been a member of the "aspie league" for the past year and it has become an obsession,I'm pretty use to those .

I am 43,had several years in "therapy" and was a psych major,so it probably had more signifigence for me then an aspie who was less interested in human psychology.I "thought" I had worked out "why" I was so odd based on concepts of being adopted and having attachment disorder,genetic predisposition to depression and chemical dependence,adopted by a cold and controling mother,etc,etc.Learning about AS has meant some reshuffeling of these theories. but havent negated them completely,just put a new elemint into them.

It can be confussing at times to determine what part is past experience and what part AS and how they over lap(because they certainly do).Given that AS is part of the "aut=self" family,it is easier for us to get lost in examing ourselves.That isnt healthy,when the self consumes nothing but self.You need to expand your diet a bit to include external stimulation.Either by focusing on "others" or a non-AS related topic/hobby/exercise/etc.Trying intentionally to "stop obsessing" about something has never worked for me but I can add a new interest to brake some intensity of the obsession.


Having the additional stress of losing a job and needing to look for a new job is adding a lot of stress to your life.That is as likely to be causing your feeling of "impending break down",at least it has for me.The only thing more stressful then working is looking for work....the resume,job interviews,deciding what job to even apply ofr....it is horrible.I think I get more drawn into my obsessions when I am stressed.I remember quiting a job and spending the next month,not looking for work but refinishing furniture and painting my bed-room .Anything became a "have to do this" if it allowed me to postpone the "job hunt".Problem was,the moeny ran out and I was going to be homeless.If I hadnt borrowed money and thrown myself into looking for work,I would have been back in the streets.So,maybe it would help to admit how much you are dreading looking for work(admitting a fear helps shrink the monster a little),and then sit down and make a list of steps that you need to complete to reach that goal.I have executive "dysfunction",so I have to write down ever step and every substep" to get anything done.That may releave some of the anxiety?

I wish you luck.

It is important to realize that AS is just a different way of perceiving the world. It's not terminal, and as far as I know, there is nothing pathological about it that makes one unhappy. My thought is that AS just changes the way you feel about your relationship to other people. You have to play the hand you are dealt. (You may have to give up your career plans of being a WalMart greeter!) Being armed with the knowledge that you have AS is something that I didn't have until about age 51 and I wish I had known what you know when I was 28. Don't let it ruin your life and don't let a diagnosis of AS cause you to lower your expectations for your ambitions, or yourself.

Last edited by bobert on 16 Aug 2007, 12:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm another for whom the discovery of AS later in my life,at the age of 47,had an effect on my ego - more than I actually realised at the time.As it happened I'd just taken a 'career break'
and initially I found it difficult to come to terms with the fact that it was a form of autism that
made me different.I lost a bit of confidence as I tried to get back into employment .I found it helped to try and be completely honest with myself and make a list of my own strengths and weaknesses.The other thing that's helped is Wrong Planet,of course
I've now got to a stage where I see AS more like a challenge than a handicap,a bit like learning
a new language (and there's no reason why any of us can't eventually be fluent enough to get by as well as 'NTs' ) .As far as work goes,I'm lucky to have a new job but in all honesty the recruit
-ment process these days can be a bit of a lottery - for jobs where I 'ticked all the boxes' I
never even got my applications acknowledged and after many attempts I ended getting offered
a job when I least expected it ! We have a saying where I'm from of 'What's for you,won't go
past you' so I hope you get a reward for your efforts veridicus.Good luck

I was overjoyed to have an explanation as to why other people can't seem to think rationally. Turn out they're NTs.

Since I'm still me, and I have a generally pretty high self-esteem, what the diagnosis does for me is really explain what's wrong with other people. Nothing's wrong with me - I'm still me - but now I know why the rest of society doesn't make any sense.

It was great news.

This is quite creepy - a few minor edits here and there and I could be saying exactly the same thing. Of course I've known about AS for quite a while, but I would have never even considered defining myself by it, since everyone I've known who was diagnosed with AS was significantly weirder and had more problems fitting in than I did. As I've said elsewhere, there is an internet phenomenon of people who self-diagnose with AS apparently just so they can use it as an excuse for upsetting people, and I am very concerned that I don't want to be one of those people.

Someone said somewhere else that it becomes increasingly difficult to be "diagnosed" as you get older because you internalise "neurotypical" behaviour traits to survive - I feel that I would be in this boat were I ever to attempt to get "diagnosed". I am mainly interested in finding out whether the personality traits which I have hitherto been ashamed of as a "character defect", a side effect of abuse, or just plain "evil" when I'm feeling melodramatic, can actually be described in a value-neutral way which might help me to deal with them in a more healthy way. The fact that there seems to be a community of people who can at least understand what my world is like even if it's not the same as their world also helps!



Again, this sounds familiar. If I do accept that I am "on the spectrum" somewhere, then I have an explanation for why I dislike making eye contact while talking to people, why I hate making phone calls to people who aren't close friends, and why I don't see why I should applaud at a concert if I didn't like what I just heard, other than "you're just bad and lazy and rude". I totally agree with pluto, in that now I can see NT behaviour not as "the right thing to do" which if I don't do naturally I must be some kind of disgusting monster, but as a different language which I can learn with practice and work. (Since I love learning languages, this is a particularly apt simile for me!)

Last edited by doloras on 15 Aug 2007, 7:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That is a brilliant way of looking at it!

I had therapy as a kid for my bad child hood. But never had therapy for when I found out I had as years latter. It was a shock to me that cut my ego down pretty hard. but over time I just worked it out my self learn to coop with it and now imprase it for what im good at and work on what im bad at. Number one try to have a positive attitude not all parts of as is bad. Number 2 the bad parts can be work on. Just keep on working on your social skills and it will get better over time.

I have also recently found out that I have AS at a much older age than yours! Suddenly, I realised why my life had turned out the way it had -- failure to realise my potential for one thing, lack of friends, hostility of most people I came into contact with. I also have had the perseverative thoughts you describe but the way I see it, my brain is adjusting to the new understanding and this will take some time. I also became depressed because I realised why I had been rejected by someone I thought highly of but haven't yet gotten over this but I hope I will in time. WP has helped me to realise that there is actually nothing wrong with me -- I just happen to belong to a different "culture" and the problem is other NT's reactions towards me which are based on ignorance not malice.

im sure it can happen, so far alls ive had are meltdowns though. i am hyper this morning, and it feels very cool!