The "you're aggressive" NT trap

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People have always called me "aggressive" because I'm unable to master the socially acceptable passive-aggressive way of attacking, putting down, demeaning, etc. So they attack me with passive aggressive words and I retort with a direct comment. Then they call me aggressive, because mine (although not mean but just defensive) is overt.

Problem is, therapists seem to favor this passive-aggressive approach very much, so they'll insist I'm aggressive, while they deny seeing any aggressivity in the initiator.

Example:

NT: Oh so you're one of those typical people who can't live without a car, hahahaha!
Me: Maybe you'd also find it hard to live without a car if you had gotten used to having one, if you had ever been able to afford one.
NT (reinforced by therapist) Oh you're sooo aggressive!

Can anyone relate?

Yep.

Most NTs see me as hostile and volatile all because of the way I look and clench my fists.

Yeah, I can be aggressive.

Sometimes I just appear aggressive because I don't 'do' subtlelty very well.

Sometimes I am aggressive because I'm wound up through trying to stay 'normal' and in control of my emotions - it works for a while but I wear myself out trying, plus I feel like I'm under attack and the whole "fight or flight" instinct kicks in. So instead of making things better I normally end up making them worse.

been there before..

Oh, absolutely! You're 100% right, the NTs use the passive-agressive style and nobody considers it an attack, then if you're honest and direct in answering them, everybody thinks you're a jerk. It's so frustrating when nobody but you is willing to see what's really going on and anybody you try to talk to about it says you're overreacting, what the person said was nothing.

I can't tell if passive-aggressive is just so acceptable in the NT world that they do hear what's being said and honestly don't consider it an attack, or if they are consciously or subconsciously not admitting to what they hear because they don't want to deal with reality.

Yes. I am considered agressive,rude,and just plain mean by many. But just as many find me to be a very sweet person. Conflicting.... I clench my fists as well. That is one of the things that keep me grounded on the weekends,but I cannot stop.

I don't understand what you mean, but i hope you start feeling better soon.

I can relate but I'm usually not bad at being passive aggressive in responce these days. But sometimes I still say something blunt. Like the car conversation is something I still might have happen, minus the "can't afford" comment.
I was once at a diner party, and my uncle who lived in his mother's house for forty years, married and then lost his wife (getting him more money in addition to what he saved from living in his parent's house) was talking republican crap. I kind of wanted to mention that he has never known what it was like to have financial problems, but I didn't want to make something unpleasant at the diner party.
"What people don't realize is health care is a service, like any other service"
What I would have liked to say is "What about that whole inaliable right to life liberty, and the pursuit of happiness thing?"

people are scared s**tless of me.
After they know me a bit, they are even more afraid,
because I will state the obvious so boldly, and that is a sin.

hence, sinsboldly.

Merle

Greentea,

I noticed you say you live in the middle east. Is that one of the places they don't let women drive?

In the US MOST people can't live without transportation, and many use CARS.

But YEAH, I can relate. TODAY, I am passive, but there WAS a time when I spoke up for myself more. I'm being forced into a corner more and more, so I may soon become agressive again. Anyway, I still remember when a STUPID teacher I had in the 5th grade said to do something, and I started to rip a sheet into two. She said "NO, use ONE piece!"! I said "But that's IMPOSSIBLE!"! She decided to do it herself, found it was impossible, and started to rip the sheet in two and I said "I thought you said you could do it with ONE piece!"! MAN, I will CHERISH that angry look on her face to my grave!

I would tell you something else I found out about today, but I don't want to make it TOO obvious who I am. Let's just say it was similar, but happened in my career.

HECK, one person recently said something, and I was the *****ONLY***** one that responded. One other person said it was a joke, and I shouldn't have answered. Others thought he was serious, and one was GLAD I responded. Oh well, I just found out that his opinion of me has gone from thinking I was barely worth keeping(He really didn't know ANYTHING about me) to one of "MAN, this guy is a genius, and it is great we have him here!"! He basically told my boss that! So I guess I couldn't have adversly affected things TOO much. Still, I may NEVER know if he was joking.

To say "Well, nobody else is complaining" is DUMB! Most of the time people say that to me, it either doesn't apply, because people AREN'T affected, or the people that SHOULD be affected just don't end up realizing the problem, or they have assistance.

BTW It is a shame! I used to speak up more and, though I didn't flaunt my knowledege, etc... if I could help, I STEPPED UP! I guess because many thought I was too assertive, I got too many complaints, etc... And I can understand why some 40+ year olds, some having been to college, may hate a 6 year old explaining to them what is wrong with what they are doing. Today, I am passive, and may go without EVER mentioning that I can help.

I used to do that, but I learned it usually gets me fired or thrown out of the house again. So I just shut up and let them have their moment. However, if they demand an answer I usually say, "Was that a real question? I thought it was rhetorical, could you repeat it a little louder" *Clicks on tape recorder (not really, but I'd like to sometimes)*

Yes they ask me why aren't you smiling? Who are you mad at? I say I'm not mad at anyone. I think it's because i'm so tense around them.

Is the glass half empty or half full?

Some may say aggressive .......... Others say honest and upfront.

Some may say tactless .............. Others say honest.


I am married to a man with AS and 2 of my 3 sons are AS. Living in an AS household for 12 years has made me change my way of looking at things.

At a seminary, Tony Attwood stated that 'Asperger's is catching' and I understood immediately what he meant.

I find I can't tolerate certain NT social codes anymore. I have become more logical.

Helen

As I tell most people, I have an intense personality. This goes for both the positives and the negatives. If there's someone who can't handle that, I just tell them right to their faces that they're weak. I don't make room for NT rubbish. I have no tolerance for mediocrity.

It pisses me off how one's pretty much not allowed to be honest about anything anymore. My best friend says I'm tactless and careless of other peoples' feelings when I suggest telling the truth. He says he tells the truth to "spare their feelings" which is junk, because if someone lies to you, and you later find out the truth, doesn't that hurt your feelings more?