Why NTs might find autistic people annoying

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cyberdad
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25 Sep 2023, 7:07 am

KitLily wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
easy...she opened up her vulnerabilities to you and your timing (with your daughter) was interpreted by the woman as you not wanting to deal with her opening up about her pain seriously. Yet another reason online relationships are more likely to lead to misunderstandings.


I didn't even know the woman though, it was our first conversation online. Why would she suddenly tell me some huge news like that when we'd only just met that day? She wasn't a long term friend, she was a random stranger. At the time, I felt like she was trying to shock me or scare me.

She was right. I didn't want to deal with a random stranger who might be lying, as opposed to my precious daughter who was fragile and ill back then, and may need to go to hospital. My priorities were 100% correct.


In this world our charity starts and ends at home.



KitLily
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25 Sep 2023, 11:40 am

cyberdad wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I didn't even know the woman though, it was our first conversation online. Why would she suddenly tell me some huge news like that when we'd only just met that day? She wasn't a long term friend, she was a random stranger. At the time, I felt like she was trying to shock me or scare me.

She was right. I didn't want to deal with a random stranger who might be lying, as opposed to my precious daughter who was fragile and ill back then, and may need to go to hospital. My priorities were 100% correct.


In this world our charity starts and ends at home.


Which means...?


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bee33
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25 Sep 2023, 2:00 pm

cyberdad wrote:
KitLily wrote:
There are lots of worse things you can do to an NT e.g. not respect their position in the hierarchy, or make them look like they don't know anything, or point out their faults, especially lack of knowledge/ intelligence.

If Bee had said 'I'm washing up because certain other people obviously can't be bothered,' or something, that would be passive aggressive.


bee33 wrote:
It sounds like you're excusing what is appalling behavior. .


I think you both jumped to conclusions over what I am saying. NTs operate with subtlety. it's the undertones, doublespeak, undercurrent and subtle actions that speak volumes. The days when somebody will directly point things out are largely gone.

Once upon a time I worked in a lab with an attached kitchen where PhD students too lazy to wash up would pile their dishes after a cursory wash and quite obviously not bothered to run a scourer or soap across their plates. We point out this out to them and they cheekily said we are not their mothers. I recall agreeing with them and then saying but their mothers are not here to wash after them either. I thought that would insult them but instead they chuckled and ignored us.

Later me and some colleagues helped re-wash their plates and cutlery (properly). The students were enraged and came as a group asking why we are re-washing their plates? We said were happy to do it for them. That tipped them over the edge. They went straight to university management and complained that we were belittling them and treating them like children. We knew they were stressed out and highly strung but at least they took the hint.

Re-washing dishes that have already been washed is obviously meant to be patronizing and insulting. That doesn't require being explained to anyone.

Washing dishes in the first place is obviously not.

Respectfully, you're being a dick and I would suggest you stop responding to this thread.



KitLily
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25 Sep 2023, 2:06 pm

There is a prime example of what I meant by the title of this thread on the other thread about a sister making someone live in her shed. I wished the person well and they went into a long explanation of why they couldn't accept my good wishes because I'd got them slightly wrong.

Eureka! My point is proved.


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bee33
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25 Sep 2023, 2:23 pm

KitLily wrote:
There is a prime example of what I meant by the title of this thread on the other thread about a sister making someone live in her shed. I wished the person well and they went into a long explanation of why they couldn't accept my good wishes because I'd got them slightly wrong.

Eureka! My point is proved.
I'm sorry but that's not what he said. You had asked him to keep us posted and he explained, apologetically, that it's possible he may not be able to keep us posted. He didn't say anything about rejecting your good wishes.



KitLily
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26 Sep 2023, 3:04 am

It does fit exactly with my thread topic though. Instead of just saying 'thanks for your good wishes,' he went on to explain how I'd got my good wishes wrong in all the details, he couldn't do what I wanted because of all those reasons. He could have just written "thanks for your good wishes, I'll try."

I was just sending good wishes and hopes. Okay I didn't get all the details correct but please, please, people! Just accept the good wishes and don't make me feel I’ve been corrected and disciplined for getting some details wrong. I'm trying to be positive, supportive and kind.

This is why I'm almost giving up sending positive and loving wishes to people who are struggling. It’s too frustrating because they so often reply to correct me—"sorry, your good wishes were only 99% correct. Here are the reasons they were not correct.”

Okay then folks! I won’t be positive, supportive and kind! Argh!! Perhaps I'll start pointing out where they are wrong to be upset about their problems :roll:


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bee33
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26 Sep 2023, 3:29 am

KitLily wrote:
It does fit exactly with my thread topic though. Instead of just saying 'thanks for your good wishes,' he went on to explain how I'd got my good wishes wrong in all the details, he couldn't do what I wanted because of all those reasons. He could have just written "thanks for your good wishes, I'll try."

I was just sending good wishes and hopes. Okay I didn't get all the details correct but please, please, people! Just accept the good wishes and don't make me feel I’ve been corrected and disciplined for getting some details wrong. I'm trying to be positive, supportive and kind.

This is why I'm almost giving up sending positive and loving wishes to people who are struggling. It’s too frustrating because they so often reply to correct me—"sorry, your good wishes were only 99% correct. Here are the reasons they were not correct.”

Okay then folks! I won’t be positive, supportive and kind! Argh!! Perhaps I'll start pointing out where they are wrong to be upset about their problems :roll:
I completely understand your frustration. I'm really sorry I added to it! And your premise is absolutely correct.



KitLily
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26 Sep 2023, 8:39 am

bee33 wrote:
I completely understand your frustration. I'm really sorry I added to it! And your premise is absolutely correct.


You are a sweetheart. You didn't add to it, you just made me clarify my thoughts.

I'm sure I too used to do that when people sympathised with me. I'd point out how they hadn't got it right. Not maliciously but because I like things to be correct. I've learned not to do that. I've learned to think:

"A person is trying to be kind and supportive. I will just say thank you and accept the kindness."


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KitLily
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26 Sep 2023, 8:43 am

cyberdad wrote:
Things do move in cycles. Prosperity breed good times which breeds soft people adept at suppressing their true thoughts. When hard times come then people will need to be more direct again.


I think this is correct. Like my favourite saying:

Hard times create strong men.
Strong men create good times.
Good times create weak men.
Weak men create hard times.

I think we are at the 4th line of that^


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cyberdad
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26 Sep 2023, 10:01 pm

bee33 wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
KitLily wrote:
There are lots of worse things you can do to an NT e.g. not respect their position in the hierarchy, or make them look like they don't know anything, or point out their faults, especially lack of knowledge/ intelligence.

If Bee had said 'I'm washing up because certain other people obviously can't be bothered,' or something, that would be passive aggressive.


bee33 wrote:
It sounds like you're excusing what is appalling behavior. .


I think you both jumped to conclusions over what I am saying. NTs operate with subtlety. it's the undertones, doublespeak, undercurrent and subtle actions that speak volumes. The days when somebody will directly point things out are largely gone.

Once upon a time I worked in a lab with an attached kitchen where PhD students too lazy to wash up would pile their dishes after a cursory wash and quite obviously not bothered to run a scourer or soap across their plates. We point out this out to them and they cheekily said we are not their mothers. I recall agreeing with them and then saying but their mothers are not here to wash after them either. I thought that would insult them but instead they chuckled and ignored us.

Later me and some colleagues helped re-wash their plates and cutlery (properly). The students were enraged and came as a group asking why we are re-washing their plates? We said were happy to do it for them. That tipped them over the edge. They went straight to university management and complained that we were belittling them and treating them like children. We knew they were stressed out and highly strung but at least they took the hint.

Re-washing dishes that have already been washed is obviously meant to be patronizing and insulting. That doesn't require being explained to anyone.

Washing dishes in the first place is obviously not.

Respectfully, you're being a dick and I would suggest you stop responding to this thread.


You completely misread what I am trying to communicate. This reminds me why I left this site. Consider this adieu



cyberdad
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26 Sep 2023, 10:02 pm

KitLily wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Things do move in cycles. Prosperity breed good times which breeds soft people adept at suppressing their true thoughts. When hard times come then people will need to be more direct again.


I think this is correct. Like my favourite saying:

Hard times create strong men.
Strong men create good times.
Good times create weak men.
Weak men create hard times.

I think we are at the 4th line of that^


You've got the gist of it. I'll leave this thread now as I suspect my welcome has worn out.



KitLily
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27 Sep 2023, 3:16 am

Well I didn't intend this thread to become a punch up, sorry to people.


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bee33
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27 Sep 2023, 4:53 am

KitLily wrote:
Well I didn't intend this thread to become a punch up, sorry to people.

Not your fault. My fault. Sorry. I don't take well to being NTsplained. :) (Like mansplained but with NT instead of man, if that wasn't clear.)



KitLily
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27 Sep 2023, 6:43 am

NTsplained! That is a good way of putting it!

I only want people to get on well, I never want people to fall into arguments on my threads :(

But let's just leave this thread to sink now and hope no more arguments happen.


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Cornflake
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27 Sep 2023, 10:30 am

Looks like the thread turned out to be the reverse of its title and became an object lesson in how autistic people might find NTs annoying. :wink:

(also, pinches NTsplained)

If you'd rather it was never resurrected, should I lock it?


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KitLily
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27 Sep 2023, 2:10 pm

Yes, better lock it before more people start arguing. People can refer to it for reference :?


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