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bee33
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27 Jan 2024, 4:34 am

You haven't said whether you are looking for a partner for a long-lasting relationship or whether you would like to go out on casual dates with several different women. If you're looking for casual dates (presumably including casual sex) then it might be true that women who are also looking for that will prioritize guys they find very attractive and will be less likely to take the trouble to get to know a guy who is just cute and not super-handsome.

But if you are looking for a relationship, then looks matter much less. If a woman is looking for a relationship, it will be more important to her to find someone who is compatible and with whom she gets along and has fun with. Tinder is probably not going to be the place to find this, as it's my understanding that Tinder is primarily used for casual dating.

Casual dating is not a universal thing, as you might have been led to believe. Personally, I'm not sure I've ever been on an actual date, and I have had two long-term relationships that lasted 14 years and 15 years. There is the assumption in our society that to find a partner you go on a bunch of dates until you come across the right person for you, almost like going on job interviews. That has not been my experience or the experience of many people I know. My experience is that I got to know someone, either at school in a broad social circle, and we just started to hang out together without ever going on a formal date.



Mikurotoro92
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27 Jan 2024, 10:54 am

There are different methods to the process

I want to know if it is possible to bypass the dating process altogether and just jump to marriage?

Dating is time-consuming

However I can't wait to start dating the men in my Day Program because I think it would be a LOT of fun to get to know them better outside the classroom!! !

And since we are going to be unsupervised that means anything goes!

No actual sex though at least not yet

I was thinking if a man and I hit it off we could maybe kiss and make out

Eventually if I get into a romantic relationship with one of them I can start spending the night at his house and vice-versa which is when we will have sex


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ToughDiamond
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27 Jan 2024, 1:38 pm

bee33 wrote:
You haven't said whether you are looking for a partner for a long-lasting relationship or whether you would like to go out on casual dates with several different women. If you're looking for casual dates (presumably including casual sex) then it might be true that women who are also looking for that will prioritize guys they find very attractive and will be less likely to take the trouble to get to know a guy who is just cute and not super-handsome.

But if you are looking for a relationship, then looks matter much less. If a woman is looking for a relationship, it will be more important to her to find someone who is compatible and with whom she gets along and has fun with. Tinder is probably not going to be the place to find this, as it's my understanding that Tinder is primarily used for casual dating.

Casual dating is not a universal thing, as you might have been led to believe. Personally, I'm not sure I've ever been on an actual date, and I have had two long-term relationships that lasted 14 years and 15 years. There is the assumption in our society that to find a partner you go on a bunch of dates until you come across the right person for you, almost like going on job interviews. That has not been my experience or the experience of many people I know. My experience is that I got to know someone, either at school in a broad social circle, and we just started to hang out together without ever going on a formal date.

I'd overlooked casual dating when I posted before, as I was always seeking for a permanent mate if I was seeking at all. So I've got no experience and no advice about casual stuff, though I concur that looks probably would be a bigger factor.

I see dating as comparable to job interviews where both parties are the candidate and the interviewer. But I was always a one-at-a-time type, so if one woman was interested then I'd focus entirely on her and wasn't interested in anybody else until and unless I'd failed with her. I couldn't see anything logically or morally wrong with processing more than one at a time, as long as it was just talking, but it just seemed rather cold-hearted somehow, and I was always disappointed if somebody I was interested in wanted to do that. I hated any competition and would tend to abandon the venture if any came up. When I didn't, things didn't go well for anybody.



StrugglingFrustration
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27 Jan 2024, 2:34 pm

bee33 wrote:
You haven't said whether you are looking for a partner for a long-lasting relationship or whether you would like to go out on casual dates with several different women. If you're looking for casual dates (presumably including casual sex) then it might be true that women who are also looking for that will prioritize guys they find very attractive and will be less likely to take the trouble to get to know a guy who is just cute and not super-handsome.

But if you are looking for a relationship, then looks matter much less. If a woman is looking for a relationship, it will be more important to her to find someone who is compatible and with whom she gets along and has fun with. Tinder is probably not going to be the place to find this, as it's my understanding that Tinder is primarily used for casual dating.

Casual dating is not a universal thing, as you might have been led to believe. Personally, I'm not sure I've ever been on an actual date, and I have had two long-term relationships that lasted 14 years and 15 years. There is the assumption in our society that to find a partner you go on a bunch of dates until you come across the right person for you, almost like going on job interviews. That has not been my experience or the experience of many people I know. My experience is that I got to know someone, either at school in a broad social circle, and we just started to hang out together without ever going on a formal date.


I'm looking for a long term relationship that leads to marriage. I believe that looks are very important in both serious and casual dating. I even have a few friends that are girls and I'm sure they have single friends. However, they never tell me, "I know a friend who's single, let me introduce you to her". This shows I'm not hinging on the idea of liking one girl, I try to have an open mind and consider options besides my "current crush". Yet, I'm not attractive enough for my friends to set me up because they think their friends won't be attracted.



Mikurotoro92
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27 Jan 2024, 2:50 pm

I am also looking for marriage

Dating is time-consuming


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ToughDiamond
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27 Jan 2024, 4:28 pm

StrugglingFrustration wrote:
I'm looking for a long term relationship that leads to marriage. I believe that looks are very important in both serious and casual dating. I even have a few friends that are girls and I'm sure they have single friends. However, they never tell me, "I know a friend who's single, let me introduce you to her". This shows I'm not hinging on the idea of liking one girl, I try to have an open mind and consider options besides my "current crush". Yet, I'm not attractive enough for my friends to set me up because they think their friends won't be attracted.

I suppose there must be a lot of people out there who value looks very highly, but I think the more mature-minded ones are less likely to judge the book by its cover. Your female friends might just be an unlucky sample of who is out there. Frankly I think the only really common physical preference for looks is that people generally prefer a partner who appears to be healthy.

My own perception of visual beauty varies depending on how I feel about them. If I start disliking a person, they seem to become ugly, and if I start liking them, they become better looking. Don't know if other people have the same perceptions as me or not.

Years ago when I was still too worried about my looks, I mentioned it to a counsellor, who said "well, I've seen you for several sessions and I've not noticed anything to be frightened of." That word - frightened - set me thinking.



Fraser_S
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29 Jan 2024, 8:25 am

StrugglingFrustration wrote:
I've reviewed topics on WP before, so I hope it doesn't sound redundant. A quick introduction, I'm 29 and never had a date or first kiss. I feel that being socially awkward has a role to play in this, which is why I hate being on the spectrum. I'd like to know any strategies that may help in dating especially when I have restricted interests and can't perform a new hobby without being bored after a few hours. Thanks!


The number one rule is not to get stuck on yourself. It's easy for people like us to ramble on about ourselves, our own interests and our own problems. But that's not going to spark a person's attraction for you.

It really doesn't matter if you don't have that many interests or can't hold your interest for long in new hobby's. You may view yourself as being "too boring to date". But the reality is that most people are generally boring. The person you're trying to strike a date with will most likely be boring or consider themselves to be boring.

If you want to stir up attraction with someone so they'll go on a date with you, get them to talk about themselves as much as possible in the early stages. Ask open ended questions that require thoughtful responses and avoid asking yes/no questions as these tend to kill the conversation. This will allow you to follow up on their responses with more open ended questions. This will keep the conversation going and will keep them talking about themselves.

If they ask you anything about yourself, just keep it short and sweat and hit them right back with another open ended question. The more you get them to talk about themselves and the less you can give away about yourself, the more you can stir up enough mystery and intrigue in their own mind that they'll want to go on a date with you, just to find out more.



ToughDiamond
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29 Jan 2024, 11:31 am

^
Some truth in that, I think. The fortunate thing is that the questions you ask them don't need to be contrived. Rather than approaching it as a matter of "people like to talk about themselves so I'd better make up some gratuitous questions," the truth is that if you want to know whether or not they're your type (and if you're not curious about that, maybe you shouldn't be there at all), then those questions will occur to you naturally, and you'll come over as more genuine than you would if you were just concocting them to feed their ego. A lot of people never figure out in advance what they want from a partner, and then when they begin that first encounter, the chemistry takes over and those questions don't get asked.

In practice it can be rather difficult because desperation can lead people to want to ignore testing the potential partner at all, and to focus on just presenting one's self as an eligible mate and hiding perceived flaws. I think most people do that to a degree, wanting to look their best, and that's probably wise too, as long as you don't let it take over the agenda too much.



StrugglingFrustration
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31 Jan 2024, 9:50 am

Fraser_S wrote:
StrugglingFrustration wrote:
I've reviewed topics on WP before, so I hope it doesn't sound redundant. A quick introduction, I'm 29 and never had a date or first kiss. I feel that being socially awkward has a role to play in this, which is why I hate being on the spectrum. I'd like to know any strategies that may help in dating especially when I have restricted interests and can't perform a new hobby without being bored after a few hours. Thanks!


If you want to stir up attraction with someone so they'll go on a date with you, get them to talk about themselves as much as possible in the early stages. Ask open ended questions that require thoughtful responses and avoid asking yes/no questions as these tend to kill the conversation. This will allow you to follow up on their responses with more open ended questions. This will keep the conversation going and will keep them talking about themselves.


I've tried that before and got one-word answers like "yes/no/maybe" or "I don't know" if I asked what's the most interesting part of your work/hobby/etc. It seems that within the first 5 seconds when I make conversation, they're not interested in a conversation. I notice with women who walk in the opposite direction that the moment we make eye contact, she turns her head away in 0.25 seconds like I'm ugly to look at. I used to have some women smile or smirk for a second when seeing my face, but that was over 5 years ago when I was not overweight or balding.



StrugglingFrustration
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31 Jan 2024, 12:31 pm

I guess the Halo Effect is real. People see an attractive person and assume positive personality characteristics about them, like if they're Zac Efron or Justin Timberlake.



Fraser_S
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31 Jan 2024, 4:27 pm

StrugglingFrustration wrote:
Fraser_S wrote:
StrugglingFrustration wrote:
I've reviewed topics on WP before, so I hope it doesn't sound redundant. A quick introduction, I'm 29 and never had a date or first kiss. I feel that being socially awkward has a role to play in this, which is why I hate being on the spectrum. I'd like to know any strategies that may help in dating especially when I have restricted interests and can't perform a new hobby without being bored after a few hours. Thanks!


If you want to stir up attraction with someone so they'll go on a date with you, get them to talk about themselves as much as possible in the early stages. Ask open ended questions that require thoughtful responses and avoid asking yes/no questions as these tend to kill the conversation. This will allow you to follow up on their responses with more open ended questions. This will keep the conversation going and will keep them talking about themselves.


I've tried that before and got one-word answers like "yes/no/maybe" or "I don't know" if I asked what's the most interesting part of your work/hobby/etc. It seems that within the first 5 seconds when I make conversation, they're not interested in a conversation. I notice with women who walk in the opposite direction that the moment we make eye contact, she turns her head away in 0.25 seconds like I'm ugly to look at. I used to have some women smile or smirk for a second when seeing my face, but that was over 5 years ago when I was not overweight or balding.


A lot of it comes down to timing. If you ask an overly open ended question straight from the get go it can come across as being "too keen". Ask an open ended question, but keep it on a lighter subject that doesn't make them feel pressured into giving too much away about themselves too early into the conversation. You could ask them how their 2024 has been for them so far and how they would like this year to be different from last year, just as an example. It's open ended, but without being overly direct.

It's also important to keep in mind that not every conversation is going to work out the way that you would like it to. If you're asking "not too serious" open ended questions in the early stages and you're just getting dead-end or no responses, then simply move on to your next match. Don't allow yourself to get caught up on one person if things just aren't clicking in the conversation, it's no big deal.

As for women turning their heads away as soon as a man makes eye contact, this isn't uncommon at all. Women can be very guarded when it comes to eyeing up men that they feel attraction towards. Just because she looks away when you make eye contact, doesn't mean she isn't attracted to you. One contributing factor may be your own facial expressions. If you're worried that a woman is going to look away when you make eye contact or that you're not physically attractive enough, that worry may show through your facial expression, causing you to look more serious and intimidating, making her look away. A good technique is to practice soft and friendly facial expressions in front of the mirror. Find your friendly face, get a feel for it, then use it when you catch women having a peek at you. A gentle smirk with a little squint of the eyes can go a long way to getting a lady to maintain longer direct eye contact.

If you're feeling insecure about your own weight, then women are going to sense that insecurity through you. You have 2 options here. Learn to be comfortable with your larger appearance or do what you need to do in order to shed a few pounds. Ultimately women don't care. There's women who are attracted to men who are really thin and there's women who are attracted to men with quite a bit of meat on the bone. Your success in finding a relationship will ultimately come down to how you feel about yourself. The more confidence you have in yourself, the more confidence she is going to have in you. The same also applies to your baldness. Some women don't like it, others will go crazy for it. But in order for her to feel comfortable around you, you have to feel comfortable with yourself first and foremost.



rse92
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31 Jan 2024, 4:58 pm

Lose weight.
Get fit.
Get a professional haircut which flatters you (have a female stylist do it). Keep clean. If you insist on having a beard, it must be well groomed and not scraggly.
Dress well; wear clothes that fit and are appropriate for a man your age.
Get a better job, or move up in the job you already have.
Get your financial house in order; no debt, save money.
Put away childish things (and don't spend money on them).
No porn.
If you live with your parents, you must move out. Keep your apartment neat and clean at all times.

But you know all this.

If you do these things, there will come a time when women will want to talk to you.



StrugglingFrustration
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02 Feb 2024, 10:23 am

Fraser_S wrote:
StrugglingFrustration wrote:
Fraser_S wrote:
StrugglingFrustration wrote:
I've reviewed topics on WP before, so I hope it doesn't sound redundant. A quick introduction, I'm 29 and never had a date or first kiss. I feel that being socially awkward has a role to play in this, which is why I hate being on the spectrum. I'd like to know any strategies that may help in dating especially when I have restricted interests and can't perform a new hobby without being bored after a few hours. Thanks!


If you want to stir up attraction with someone so they'll go on a date with you, get them to talk about themselves as much as possible in the early stages. Ask open ended questions that require thoughtful responses and avoid asking yes/no questions as these tend to kill the conversation. This will allow you to follow up on their responses with more open ended questions. This will keep the conversation going and will keep them talking about themselves.


I've tried that before and got one-word answers like "yes/no/maybe" or "I don't know" if I asked what's the most interesting part of your work/hobby/etc. It seems that within the first 5 seconds when I make conversation, they're not interested in a conversation. I notice with women who walk in the opposite direction that the moment we make eye contact, she turns her head away in 0.25 seconds like I'm ugly to look at. I used to have some women smile or smirk for a second when seeing my face, but that was over 5 years ago when I was not overweight or balding.


As for women turning their heads away as soon as a man makes eye contact, this isn't uncommon at all. Women can be very guarded when it comes to eyeing up men that they feel attraction towards. Just because she looks away when you make eye contact, doesn't mean she isn't attracted to you. One contributing factor may be your own facial expressions. If you're worried that a woman is going to look away when you make eye contact or that you're not physically attractive enough, that worry may show through your facial expression, causing you to look more serious and intimidating, making her look away. A good technique is to practice soft and friendly facial expressions in front of the mirror. Find your friendly face, get a feel for it, then use it when you catch women having a peek at you. A gentle smirk with a little squint of the eyes can go a long way to getting a lady to maintain longer direct eye contact.

If you're feeling insecure about your own weight, then women are going to sense that insecurity through you. You have 2 options here. Learn to be comfortable with your larger appearance or do what you need to do in order to shed a few pounds. Ultimately women don't care. There's women who are attracted to men who are really thin and there's women who are attracted to men with quite a bit of meat on the bone. Your success in finding a relationship will ultimately come down to how you feel about yourself. The more confidence you have in yourself, the more confidence she is going to have in you. The same also applies to your baldness. Some women don't like it, others will go crazy for it. But in order for her to feel comfortable around you, you have to feel comfortable with yourself first and foremost.


I'd say facial structure is more visible than facial expressions. I'm not denying that I can be anxious at some times, however, these turning-away looks I get from people happen when I'm walking down a sidewalk or down a hallway and staring from 15 meters (50 feet) away, the person makes a quick glimpse and turns away. In addition, confidence is partly the result of positive experiences, so if a guy has positive interactions with women or he gets checked out with winks and smiles, it will increase his confidence and circle back to better facial expressions.

And yes, I'm in the process of losing weight. My goal is around 170 lbs. I do turn 30 in a couple of months, but I believe the aging factor is more about how one looks rather than the numerical age. So, a 25 y/o would find someone in their 30s who looks young and healthy.



Fraser_S
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02 Feb 2024, 11:23 am

StrugglingFrustration wrote:
I'd say facial structure is more visible than facial expressions. I'm not denying that I can be anxious at some times, however, these turning-away looks I get from people happen when I'm walking down a sidewalk or down a hallway and staring from 15 meters (50 feet) away, the person makes a quick glimpse and turns away. In addition, confidence is partly the result of positive experiences, so if a guy has positive interactions with women or he gets checked out with winks and smiles, it will increase his confidence and circle back to better facial expressions.

And yes, I'm in the process of losing weight. My goal is around 170 lbs. I do turn 30 in a couple of months, but I believe the aging factor is more about how one looks rather than the numerical age. So, a 25 y/o would find someone in their 30s who looks young and healthy.


Confidence isn't circumstantial, it's a state of mind that requires real effort to accomplish. Sure, someone who has more positive experiences will naturally feel better about themselves during those positive experiences, but they'll also fall from a higher height when they have negative experiences if they lack real confidence in themselves.

Confidence isn't about positive experiences, it's about maintaining belief in yourself even during the negative ones. And believe me, everybody has negative experiences. Sure, some more so than others. But the more confidence you have, the more character you'll build whenever you encounter negative experiences. And as your character grows, you'll encounter increasingly more positive experiences as your strong character draws more people towards you.



ToughDiamond
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02 Feb 2024, 2:51 pm

^
I don't see how self-confidence could be acquired, except by reassurance from others and by succeeding with tasks that are perceived as somewhat difficult. Neither of those things is likely to come to order. Self-confidence is a type of faith, and I don't think faith can be consciously and directly increased. Some people fool themselves into believing themselves more able than they are, but I would think that's impossible to do consciously.



DennaDar
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04 Feb 2024, 3:43 pm

I am over 40 and have never been on a date or even kissed a girl. I am bad at being social, expecially with women and when emotions are involved. I never have any idea what i am doing, i got no inner sense of direction when it comes to what i feel. I can feel alot but cant define it or know what i am supposed to do with it.

It has always been that way, even when i was young. I think its partly genetic/autism becouse i see the same thing in my sister and cousin. They struggle with the same issues and seems to have given up on that part of life. I dont see any of us ever getting into a relationship with someone. Sucks but worse things happens every day.