xmas'n'stuff, family hates me

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Another family scapegoat. I haven't told them of my diagnoses, they'd probably think I was trying to get them to feel sorry for me. I spent most of my childhood crying and earned the reputation in my family of being the crybaby. I don't know if I should tell them, I don't know if they'd care (I'm 27). I'm tired of going to these family functions and pretending I'm okay with them treating me like old gum on the bottom of their shoes. Any suggestions ):

Suggestion: Talk to them about it - and then, if they can't treat you with resepct, don't go. There is NO LAW that says one has to subject themselves to bad treatment from anyone, let alone family.

Hello braveheartlion. The Christmas/New Year period can be difficult. All the buildup, all the expectation, and the reality never quite lives up to it.

Sorry to hear it. Was the reason for this dealt with, or at least investigated?


Two choices here: either 1. Say you've decided not to attend, or 2. Go, but make no pretence about how you're feeling. If what you're feeling is predominantly unhappiness, best to make your excuses and plan to do something else.

You don't have to go.

I don't have family anymore, I suppose a situation like this is something I should be grateful for.

I know there will be repercusions. My brother is toxic and abusive. After my parents died I realized I would never have continued to know someone likr this without the family connection. With them gone that was gone as well. I have a friend I BEG to stay awy from her mother. Shes the most defenceless of five children and shes the only one who visits her out of pity.

Imagine. If these people werent your family and that obligation wasnt there would you want to be around them?

Don't go.

I spent three Christmas vacations on my own and I had a great time. I bought myself exactly the right presents, cooked myself a large Christmas lunch and then had triple helpings and then sat down and watched the TV I wanted without wars about who has control of the remote.

Ed Almos

If you tell them about it I think they'll understand you a lot better.

Oh and merry Christmas!

Braveheartlion
Just accept that it most likely will not change. I know just how you are feeling. I have been there. I miss the closeness that one should feel around family, but don't miss the pain of being around them. They don't understand and probably won't. There are people who do. Try to find them.

That's a real shame. It seems you should find any excuse possible to spend the holidays with some friends (if you have some), rather than with your family. Maybe in the future you can even make plans with someone else to do something over the holidays, and then mention that to your family as a reason for not attending.

I have had the luck to have parents who are all in all very accepting of me, so I have never been put in a situation like yours.

Yeah, traveling away for the holidays is the best idea.

Don't go

It's all very well to say "oh, they're your family, you should talk to them and explain how you FEEL" but most of the people who say that stuff have no idea what it's like to have an abusive family and have seen too many sacharine after school specials where the loathesome curmudgeon is healed by the power of love and instantaneously morphs into a model of love and understanding. Real life doesn't work like that. People who don't care about how you feel are not going to magically start caring. The more they know about you the easier it is for them to hurt you and manipulate you. Stay away. It's much nicer and the anxiety just melts away. Also, if they know you can and will just walk away it drastically changes the dynamic. If they know you really won't put up with being treated badly they may decide to curtail their behaviour to something you can tolerate better. Then you can choose to re-enter the family (or not) as and when you see fit.

If you're an adult they can't mistreat you unless you let them. Don't let them.

Maybe it's just me but family can often be the least tolerant people in one's life. Friends like you because of who you are and are free to not hang out if they no longer like the relationship. Family are sort of forced to get along and it seems like a lot of problems come from that. The worst griping about people behind their back I hear is family complaining about other family members who are different or don't fit in. If a family is extremely religious or traditional it's even worse.

Me personally I'd take some time off. Though I'm sure that's the wrong thing to do, with the right being facing your problems instead of running away and trying to work with people instead of shutting them out and all that jazz that psychologists like to say is healthy. So confronting them with the diagnosis and having a healthy dialogue is probably the socially preferred way to go, I just don't put much stock in that type of thing working. That being said I'd probably tell them about the diagnosis and that I need some space for awhile. Either they're good caring people who will feel guilty for the past and reach out to you, or they're not and they'll shun you in which case you're better off without them anyway. Anyway...that's what makes sense to me. Which probably means the socially acceptable way to handle it is just the opposite.

Anyone else thing maybe we need some "Ask an NT" threads to run things like these by? Seems like autistic people getting advice from only other autistic people might not offer enough perspective to make good decisions.

OK, I know this may sound weird, but dont tell them. If tehy treat you this way, there is no way that they are even going to understand AS or even see it as a real condition. What you can do is talk with them, very seriously. Look them in the eye, look stern, and tell them with a stern voice "I do NOT appreciate how you treat me. Either treat me a certain way or do not speak to me at all." They will take you seriously if you are stern and if you keep with it. You dont have to give an ultimatum if it seems a bit much, but still dont let them call you any names.

My opinion might be a little biased since I hate my family more than anything.

I agree with merr and would suggest you not tell them. But have a serious discussion with them over how you feel. If they don't understand, I personally would not find it worth trying anymore after all these years. You should break off all relationships with your family. That's what I'm going to do after college.

As I speak now in my locked room upstairs, my parents are throwing a party with lots of their friends. I don't want to be part of it and got really mad earlier today helping them prepare.

Don't let them control your life and if the discussion doesn't go well, just tell them you're not going to participate in any more family functions no matter what they say.

NT here. Since I have found out that my son-in law has aspergers things are much better. He doesn't react much when he opens presents, but I listen to his words rather than look at his face. We had a great old time this year. He was much more relaxed and i did not fuss.

I used to feel very unwelcome when I visited his place but now I understand his need for routine etc.

At least give your family a chance. Remember it will take some time for them to understand what aspergers means in your life. It is almost certain one of them has aspergers too and may not want to face up to the fact. If they are not willing to listen then it is time to move away from them. But I bet one or more of them will listen. Good luck!