Do any of you not like it when people say "I promise"?

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catpiecakebutter
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12 May 2024, 1:32 pm

So I have this online friend I talk to daily and maybe over a year ago when I mentioned about having bad self esteem she said (I can't exactly remember what she said) but she said something "I promise your self esteem will get better." And well my friend is well meaning and very sweet, I know my self esteem will never get better because it's been bad for many years. And she does want to build my self esteem up. But I don't think mental health profession would use the words "I promise." And don't get me wrong, I care about my friend a great deal. How many of you don't like the words "I promise"?



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12 May 2024, 2:41 pm

It depends on context. She made a promise she can't keep because it's not something she controls.

If someone promises they'll give me a sandwich tomorrow, I don't mind because they can do it.

If someone promises me things will get better it bothers me because they don't have any ability to ensure that outcome.


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12 May 2024, 3:54 pm

Is the friend on the Autism Spectrum?

If they are not on the Autism Spectrum then they likely have no idea whether or not your self esteem will get better but they are hoping your self esteem will get better and that them saying that will make you feel better. They are likely trying to make you feel better.

If they are on Autism Spectrum then I am surprised they would say that. They almost certainly want you to feel better and hope you will feel better...but it seems to me like an odd thing for an Autie to say. Maybe they are gambling that you will? Maybe ask them?

Either way, it seems very likely to me that they do hope you will feel better.


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12 May 2024, 5:14 pm

"I promise" → "I'm lying and I'm about to screw you over".

"All you need to say is simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." -- Jesus of Nazareth, in His Sermon On the Mount (Matthew 5:37, NIV)


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catpiecakebutter
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12 May 2024, 9:02 pm

No religion please. Thank you.



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12 May 2024, 10:30 pm

If someone is suspicious enough to demand a promise from me, OR so insecure as to issue promises to me, then (in my opinion) that person is not someone with whom I wish to do business.  The only exception to this involves the wedding vows between my wife and I.


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IsabellaLinton
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13 May 2024, 1:14 am

It's not a word I use.
I don't think I've ever made a promise or had one made to me.

One time a friend's son had to "pinkie promise" his father not to tell the judge he'd been molested.
They actually had to link their pinkie fingers making the promise.

That leaves me with a very bad association so I avoid it as much as possible.

Actually I just remembered one promise I made in my life.
When my dad was on his deathbed he wanted me to promise I'd take care of my mum.
I'm still doing that, especially now.
I don't want to let him down.


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13 May 2024, 4:41 am

I take promises seriously. But I see you were not talking about that kind of promise. In a similar context, I would say "Trust me, it'll be better." And people do tend to trust me somehow. :)

It's just a bad use of words. My mom likes to say "Let me tell you the truth." to everybody about every tiny bit of unimportant stuff. I told her off a few times and she just couldn't change the habit.


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Suicidal_Vampire
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17 May 2024, 2:07 pm

"I promise it'll get better."
Well, that was just a lie, wasn't it? It's vague enough to escape any sort of responsibility. When will it get better?
That's right, you don't know. Yeah, I would say I find it annoying.



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17 May 2024, 4:16 pm

Yes, it's context-dependent for me.

I've voluntarily "promised" to muck out the cat's litter tray today. I'm fairly confident I'll manage that. Didn't actually say "I promise," but I strongly implied it as a commitment, which is much the same thing. It's a very small commitment of course. I rarely promise anything, as I don't like the risk of letting anybody down, and I rarely know for sure how anything will turn out. So I usually just say that I'll try. But there can be a nobility in it, giving your word and keeping it. It would be a shame to go through life and never show a trace of that.

When people promise me things, I often think "we'll see about that." But it depends on the person and the promise. To a degree, I'm impressed when they keep the promise. I think it's good for strengthening bonds. It's good when somebody says they're going to do a thing and then they do it.

I usually hate it when people try to extract promises, but if somebody's close very to me then I might accept the demand, depending on what it is. Of course it has to work the other way round too.

I think it's important not to be too literal about promises. Circumstances can change and reduce the need to keep it.