Making a connection

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We always hear about the difficulties in interacting in the moment, like making small talk or reading social cues, and it's true that it's challenging but I think I do okay with that. With small talk and casual interactions there are common things you can say, you can be pleasant, and you can react to the things people say or think of something related to say, and at least for me it's not too bad, though I find myself being on high alert while it's happening, as if I'm walking over some narrow bridge and I have to keep my balance, while also looking relaxed. But I do okay.

The problem is that although I have manged the interaction okay, I have failed to make a connection with the other person. That piece is missing. We haven't become closer or become friends, even after many interactions, because I am always having to work so hard at maintaining the conversation on my end that I am not perhaps sufficiently engaged or sufficiently relaxed to really connect.

It's not the making conversation that's the problem, though that's hard, it's the making a real connection.

Like you, I don't really have a problem making small talk with people. It took me a long while to get to that point though. I live in an apartment building with 39 other people. Of them, I have 3 friends. I was trying to think of what was different about my relationship with them as opposed to the other folks here. I realized that I did things with those three. I started out playing cards regularly with two of them and the third one, we had a different social activity.

It took a while for me to start talking with them about anything other than "small talk". I think the social activities took a lot of the pressure off of just talking with them. I wasn't as self conscious. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense here but the long and short of it is, if we're doing something together besides just talking then that's when a friendship can start to grow for me.

And actually there's a fourth person here who I can see myself becoming friends with even though we don't do anything except talk. But with that one, we have some common interests. Things we're both passionate about. I think that's helping me to relax too.