Struggling with paradoxical reactions/emotions

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Hey there

I have not yet been officially diagnosed with ASD (Asperger's), although I have been diagnosed with high anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, dissociative personality disorder and CPTSD.

I have always felt that those diagnoses were incomplete. Each explained a lot about me, but not all. The fact is, I often have two very opposite reactions to things. But I am about to start the diagnostics process and I am trying to make sense of some things before I start. I'm wondering if some of you might have similar experiences?

Concrete examples : I am hyper-empathetic, yet incapable of strong attachment to people. I hurt when they hurt, but if my bestie of 25 years just stopped calling me I wouldn't think twice about it and prob never call her back either.

I am compulsive, but I also feel no withdrawal, both physically and emotionally. I had this great love in my youth which I just could not get over, we were on and off for 11 years, I just couldn't help going back to him over and over again. Then one day I decided enough was enough, cried for a week, and never thought of him after that.

I am torn between my love of novelty and adventure, and my terror of the world (I stay at home most of the time except to take the dog out). I am extremely shy inwardly but appear extremely comfortable in public (I was taught from a young age to behave impeccably) so I cannot tell anyone how I really feel because they don't believe me.

I am both highly sociable, and very solitary. I do love (short) small talk with random strangers (esp when I'm walking with my fur baby), but I cannot stand it with people I'm actually sitting down with.

I am incredibly positive in nature, and yet I have suffered from depression on and off since I was 11.

I do not have all the ADHD traits either when it comes to being messy. My OCD and possible ASD seem to counter balance the disorder. I need everything to be in its box, in its place, and if objects are not placed parallel or perpendicular to the wall it's because there's some other weirder reason.

I go around criticizing almost everyone in my head for not doing stuff right but I seem incapable of self-discipline.

I cannot be late. If someone tells me they will at my house at 10 am (which is highly stressful in itself), I have to clean everything and tidy and by 9:55 I am ready, and I start pacing, standing up, sitting down, fidgeting like mad and unable to start doing anything else until they have arrived.

I can be super smart and appear wise beyond my years, but at the same time I will believe anything you tell me, and I have gotten in a lot of trouble because of that.

I feel overly emotional most of the time, and a sponge for other people's feelings, and yet I'm aware that certain shades of my own emotions are lacking. I tend to intellectualize things like jealousy, hatred, resentment.

It goes a lot deeper than that but tbh right now for some reason I cannot remember anything. Oh yeah, I remember random facts about history or science, and every single slight or hurt that has been done me, but I cannot remember why I went into the kitchen 5 minutes ago...

I'm just hoping that some of you will relate to that. As I am about to start the path towards a possible diagnosis, I get worried that if I don't tick the "right" box for this or that reaction to stuff, they are going to say (again) that it's just my CPTSD combined with my ADHD, and I'll go back to feeling highly frustrated because I KNOW deep inside that there is more to it.

BTW my brother on my dad's side is so obviously ND/Aspie it's not funny (born and raised bilingual but spoke a weird strongly accented version of both until he was 8 or 9, potty training was a nightmare for him and took years, and he can tell you absolutely everything about the US army and any current military conflict even tho he lives in France and he's never stepped in any kind of military barracks loool), and it's been completely ignored for over 30 years. Every single one of my cousins on my mom's side have ADHD.

I'm looking forward to reading abut your own internal conflicts, hoping it'll make me feel better about mine

Enjoy your Sunday wherever you are

Hyper empathy can make you overwhelmed socializing. If I accidentally say the wrong thing and hurt someone, it can make me feel like a monster, even if I know it was unintended.

You may prefer small talk because there is no vulnerability, unlike sitting with someone. I think a lot of autistics prefer discussing interests. However, NT and NT-influenced social norms tend to dictate discussing personal life.

I was diagnosed with high functioning semantic pragmatic disorder when I was about 4 I think.
I have often felt a conflict within myself similar to you.
It never settles and is often churning.
At times a deep desire for company, but if it's too constant then I don't like it and it feels too smothering.

There have been people I thought I was close with and known for nearly 20 years. I had moved many miles away last year and no one has got in touch with me. I found it was always me messaging them. I don't harbour any ill will or resentment. But I don't see why it should always be on my to communicate.

About 9 years ago I was in my only relationship. I thought I loved her, the relationship began to degenerate and she kept punishing me. Logic overrode and I left without any regret and realised I never loved here.

I love the thought of adventure and going to these quiet peaceful places. Yet I never seem to get around to it.

I mask at work. I talk and there are people I really enjoy talking to. Yet I get home and I'm a burned out husk that finds it difficult to talk.

I am positive for other people and give advice for them to be kind to themselves. Yet I hate myself and grant no mercy to myself.

I don't like being late either . I get quite irritable hahaha.

I wish I was super smart and wise like you . Maybe you wish to see the best in people and that is why you tend to
choose to believe them? I certainly it isn't a reflection on your intellect .

Emotions can be quite irrational due to their nature and yet like you I try to rationalise them. Deconstruct them, analyse them.

You have soooo much happening within your mind, of course things will fall through the cracks and will be forgotten . Anything I am interested in I can tell everything about. If I'm not interested, you could tell me every hour for a thousand years and I wouldn't remember hahaha.

Reading what you've said I can relate to sooo much of it .

I hope you're having a lovely day .

Always here if you want to chat , it'll likely help me as well .