joined a fraternity

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I joined a fraternity 20 years ago, and hate myself so much for doing it. It really got me down the wrong path, and in to the mix of "sex, drugs, rock and roll." This was before being diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don't think I'm autistic, but I could have been maybe diagnosed with that or Asperger's. It is widely known, however, that autism, like schizophrenia, is widely overdiagnosed (at least in the first world country urban areas, in places like Africa, it may well be under-recognized).

I wasn't ready to smoke marijuana, and because I'm hypersensitive to drugs like this, I became psychotic after smoking one hit. I had a 2 hour panic attack, then the next day had blurred vision and anxiety. The effect snowballed until my body felt like it was on fire 2 months later. I couldn't function. A doctor who was influenced by pharmaceutical disorders gave me an anti-depressant for a psychotic disorder. Looking back on it, I laugh and realize he could have instead prescribed me one pill of risperdal or abilify (lower potency second or third generation antipsychotics).

That one dose would have been enough, as much research points out that for certain types of psychosis, the drugs appear to help, and for others, they compound the problem. To those who are (to my estimate) one in three million (may be off by order of magnitude) hypersensitive to drugs, it's a nightmare.

Now I have to take dopaminergic antipsychotics, and strong ones. How can I get over my self-hatred for joining a fraternity at college?

I've done a lot of things in my time that I regret. Sometimes I wish I could go back and do them differently. But since I cant, I've learned to say OK, I did something stupid. But I'm not that person anymore. I've learned from it and have moved on, bettering myself. That's all we can really do. If it helps, there's a quote from Will Rogers. I believe he was referencing Mark twain when he said this. "Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement." You've got the experience and the good judgement now from that. That's the important thing.

If we were to kick ourselves for all the mistakes we've made, we would do nothing but kick ourselves. You need to forgive yourself for your mistakes and have compassion for yourself and for your past self. I know it's easier said than done, but it is doable. Look forward, at what you can do now, rather than back at the things you can't change.

I know it was just a huge embarrassment that turned into a nightmare.

You see, I smoked weed with them, but my system is fragile. I became anxious after smoking, and the effect kind of snowballed. Got worse over time.