Do you sometimes feel "stuck" inside your autism?

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I don't mean I want to be cured or I think that we need to be healed by coming out of the autistic world. What I mean is, sometimes I feel like I understand something intellectually but I just can't do it because autism is getting in the way. For example when I try to explain something verbally and the words don't come out properly or at all and I know what I want to say but I kind of feel stuck.

Another example is when I am with people I feel like i'm in a bubble and observing everyone, not actually taking part. Even if I do take part and interact I still feel there is a wall between me and everyone else.

Also when I just can't get out of what people call "my own world" and I am less able to function like normal and I am more autistic I cannot, no matter how hard I try, get out of it. It's hard to explain but I often find that I feel stuck inside my autism when I desperately want to come out.

I just find it very frustrating especially when I have days where I am coping less and people say to me "Why are you ignoring me, why can't you say proper sentences, why are you acting like this?" When I just cannot control it, I try to and I wish I could but I can't.

anyone else feel the same?

Yes, I get so stuck in what I am doing, I find it hard to stop to eat or go to bed or clean.

I have had difficulty getting all the words out. Sometimes it feels like I can't speak but I am not sure if that's just the shyness.

I know exactly what you're talking about. It's a common theme in my writing.
On my worse days I feel like all my interaction is just complex parallel play and I'm not actually connecting with anyone.

Never

Never

Somehow, I am not shocked.

Ditto

I know I can have great difficulty stopping some kind of comfort activity, such as surfing the net, or comfort eating. The idea of stopping it is hard and then when I try and do normal stuff it is almost painful, I get sort of cravings to be surfing the net or reading or eating again.

I've definitely been isolated reading and playing games in my room far above what's considered average my entire life. I think it's a great state of being. I wouldn't want to be any different, although my life is far from perfect in almost every regard I think I'm not a problem in much of a way.

I am much like that - and was completely this way when I was younger. But at this point, I do feel a need to connect with other people, particularly in a working environment. I have very few friends, and I am happy with that. It's trying to survive jobs that make this difficult. Or dealing with family.

I pick my friends - they work with me at maintaining the relationship and understanding me. I wouldn't call them friends if they didn't. For sure, there are times when I'm so frustrated by the communication gap that I could (and have) cried, but friends will meet you at least halfway, and I'm lucky enough to have them. I'm also lucky that they dont' mind when I don't call or write for long periods of time.

But co-workers and family are different, and it'd be nice to have a situation that isn't excruciatingly painful. In highly social work environments, and at most family gatherings I am miserable from feeling like I'm not expressing what I mean to say, and they dont' understand why I am making no sense.

Last edited by RampionRampage on 22 Dec 2009, 11:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think 'stuck' is a very good word for it, biro. There were times when I used to be scared when this happened - I think I was basically inventing mental illnesses around it just to excuse the fact that I couldn't do anything! But now that I know what it is I'm much more accepting of it. I now know how to be happy and stuck simultaneously. I treat it the way people treat their alcohol-induced hangovers - just wait for it to pass. Sometimes I'm more functioning than other times, but it's never at a high level. Couldn't possibly cope with being back out there in the world. It's okay because I prefer my mind to the world anyhow. Nothing or noone could make me happier than my own mind can!

Are you talking about inertia? Because I do feel that... it is not unique to autism; people with ADHD, various kinds of movement disorders, various kinds of speech/language problems, and any kind of executive dysfunction experience it, too.

Inertia is how I refer to the tendency to keep doing what you're doing, whether or not you ought to be doing it; this can mean anything from staying up too late playing a computer game to suffering malnutrition because you can't stop what you're doing often enough to eat. On the other hand, inertia can also force you to persist in doing things you should be doing, if you initiate them, such as finishing a school project or finishing cleaning your room. Not that this is always a good thing; it could lead to you not being able to switch gears to relaxation when you need to. Enter major stress.

I do refer to this as "getting stuck". I wouldn't refer to it as being "stuck inside my autism"; Autism is part of me, not something external, so that's a pretty meaningless thing to say, synonymous with saying, "stuck being myself"... which last I heard, we all are.

yesss... inside is a person a person with real feelings, real intellegence, its basically like being in a bubble or i say it as being in a mirror lookin out at the world as their lookin at me, but as their lookin at me they see completely different, they ssee this disabled girl, the way i talk, the way i move, the way i cant understand even the littlest things, the way i struggle with everything, the way i move, and do things in life, the way i dont socialize, how i stim, how i may appear "ret*d", but inside through the other end of the mirror my version, i see it all going around, see the people as they stare, make remarks, how their voices change when talking to me, how they look at me wondering if ill ever understand, the way they treat me like im 2 years old, the extra winks, the slow talking like i cant understand a simple word, the way they watch me carefully like i cant do anything on my own or ever be left out of anybodys eyes etc. There are times ill be sitting in the middle of the room stimming so much, most of the time i have no words at all, sometimes noises, self injurying, sometimes i look up to see whats going on, sometimes i jus stare into the abyss, sometimes im lookin down, i feel the world is jus passing me by, i hear the words, the many noises, see the people, the things moving around me, feel their presences, feel the different emotions going around, feel the air moving around my body, smell the different smells that enter the room daily, or that pass me by, but i have no idea how to grab a hold of any of it, its like i'm in a different world on this worlds planet. Do i get embarrased? no, Do I notice all my actions? yes and no, sometimes even noticing them doesnt stop them, jus another thing that sorta passes me by but catches my eye. Do i care of what is going on around me? unless it has to do with anything opening and closing, switches like buttons, royal blue, or rubber, not really, my mind is focused on nothing, rarely thoughts come through my head but when they do, my expression, my emotions are shown differently by each thought but to the world its sorta a random giggle, random screech, random flap or rock, random bittin, random punchin of myself, lots of randomness, maybe its a blank stare, maybe its even random twitching. My world is full of each emotion i cant grab ahold of one only anger, but the rest just spiral around in my body sometimes so much i just do uncontrollable behaviors like i said above to help calm them from spiralling out of control until i feel almost out of body and become uncontrollable to the world around me. Autism to me is this other world, this other place, this other being, this secluded, voiceless, full of emotions, with everything little thing being so fascinating and mesmorizing, yet to the world around me is so disabling. At one point i do want to be in this world with everybody else, to jus tell them whats on my mind, to know whats it like to have a connection with a human being, to be able to do what everybody else does in this world, but at another point its way too confusing that i can't even comprehend what it would be like not autistic. So yes i totally know what u mean!

That is the nice thing on the Internet--nobody knows how you come across in real life. They have to interpret you by your words only, and written words at that, with no confusing inflections and body language. You're getting across just fine in words, I think!

Its just unfortunate when they dont takes them the right way or add to what you mean with what they think you mean

I'm getting a sense of mind/body disconnect here--like people feel like they are living in their bodies like their brains are their real selves and the body is just a sort of mechanism they're controlling. I wonder if that has to do with the sensory weirdness often associated with autism? After all, with scrambled messages coming from your own senses, it might be natural to disconnect.