wow.
இ
I keep reading about these out of body experiences - and I think I want one.
....an out-of-body-ish experience in 1992, in a lull after about 3 years of manic-depression;( actually wasn't lull; was depression ), lying on bed after awful sick-headache had bashed me around ( and i had tried banishing it with coffee, cider, coca cola,and cigarettes, before taking an aspirin and being very sick!), and suddenly see me, my body there separate from me, battered and exhausted, and think "i would not treat an animal like this", and feel sudden sorrow for this poor creature lying there. I begin to weep for this being, and turning on to my stomach on the bed my hands begin to wipe my tears away. Feeling my hands doing this I think "my body loves me and would do anything for me" and I kiss my hands.
Until very very recently i thought unquestioningly that this had been a positive experience, as if i had been visited by "jesus or something equivalent", showing how my body represents the power of god ( the gene) made flesh; as if i had learned compassion; as if i learned to see humans more clearly; as if i had been given a moment of grace.
It gave me a new perspective. It propelled me into the search for paradise lost, to be found again if could only look after body well enough, and later if could cleanse my mind well enough. It started me on a new journey of discovery.
But the key emotions were guilt and desire to repay, worship devotedly , propitiate, and buy, earn more of that love. I thought i had to pay for this "love" that i had felt.
I thought that i had to "be good" to have it.
Maybe an error.
