My Mom Dumped Me

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It's been a stormy relationship. She was the distant, unaffectionate, selfish type who tried in all appearances to be the martyr and blamed all of her shortcomings on us. Particularly me. She put effort into destroying the good bond I had with my dad and into driving a rift between my sister and I. She convinced me my dad ddn't care about me and convinced my sister that I hated her and only wanted to hurt her. Our family, as a result, was strained at best. As we grew older, my dad, sister and I all realized the game she had been playing. Still, my father suffers self-esteem issues, and my sister and I have painful trust issues. We trust no one.

Recently I graduated college. I invited my dad and my grandmother. I did not invite my mother. The sum of her contribution to my college education was hiding food from me when I was a 93 pound emaciated anorexic and telling me I spent too much time at her house and should spend mor time in my nice apartment. I didn't feel she had earned the right. She was fine with it until she found out grandma was there.

On Christmas, she did not call. There were no gifts, no cards, nothing. On my son's birthday, the following day, she did not call either. When I called there, she did not answer the phone. My dad asked me to stop by and get the gifts he and my sister had for us and the kids. He was sick at Christmas and couldn't join us at grandma's (we always all go there). Mother sent HIM out and did not even peek out to say hello to the kids. First time in my almost 30 years my mother didn't even say boo to me on Christmas.

And it all confirms that I did the right thing at graduation. She is a selfish b***h who never really cared about me at all.

That totally sucks.

Siuan, I seem to be relating to all your posts today. I went through the exact same thing with my mother. She turned all of us kids against my Dad, and I have only recently started to heal that relationship, with me in my forties. She also turned siblings against each other, and there are severe trust issues between me and my two siblings. She is one of the most twisted, selfish, mentally incompetent b*****s I know. I have had to stop communications with my whole family. Only recently, I was forced to interact with one of my brothers, because I needed to have him inform the rest of the family that my father was hospitalized. But after that, I won't bother. None of them ever contact me voluntarily, nor send out holiday or birthday cards. Some people are so toxic that they mere concepts, when it comes to family roles.

Wow. thats harsh...maybe in time those wounds will heal. I really hope so for the sake of your family. I have difficult mother as well but I dont want to compare but lets just say my life was questioned a few times at her hand before I finally moved out and joined the military. What I try to remember is that she is part of the reason I am alive and I have to respect that at the least when I feel down about the whole thing. Being mad only makes you a bitter person in the end. I know it may seem impossible but you will have to forgive her someday for all she did or you could possibly pass along and hurt someone whom you really care about...

I don't know if some people can find forgiveness for being so profoundly wronged. However, we can probably find acceptance. Not of the person's behaviors, but of our hand in life. In my own situation, forgiveness is difficult when the pain keeps coming. There was a time for months where I did not speak to my mother, but that didn't seem to work either. I don't know what the answer is, so I keep looking.

My grandmother was the same way. All the attention had to be on her and most of the time she was starting something with someone in the family. It took my mother a long time after she died to come to terms with her own feelings about her mother. She still cries about it sometimes. It's tough to be a daughter to someone like that, but I've read a lot of your posts and I see that you are the exact opposite of her. Sometimes we become the person we are meant to be in spite of our parents. When I think of my grandmother I always try to go back to her childhood to find out what made her the way she was. It helps me to see that she wasn't just a mean person, but someone that had suffered abuse as a child and she took it into adulthood with her. One more thing I want to complement you for being so good to your kids. Autistic kids thrive in a loving environment.

Siuan,

I know it hurts now, but in a way you are very lucky that she is just going to let go and not cling on, harming you more.

My mother is straight from hell and she clung for years...it even reduced me to a shivering wreck to get one of her Christmas cards, where she would write as though my whole life had been a completely different story (often a completely differet story to last years Christmas Card too, consistency was never her strong point).

Don't bother trying to forgive, just take your freedom with both hands and walk away.

M

You should never talk to her again and don't expect anything from her. Your mom's really worthless.

It makes me wonder why she had children. ( genuinely wonder why, not as hostile comment on her) Or got married.
I know that i should never have had a child. And sex would only have been a good healthy idea if i had known someone for years and/or taken a few years over the process (sex). I shouldn't live with anyone. I need so much space to feel safe and well.
I long for the time i won't be responsible for my son. About 4 days after he was born i knew that my being a mother was disastrous, and i told his father i wanted to get him adopted; i begged for it. Nothing doing. The father thought i was off my head.
I'm surprised she didn't cut off contact earlier. But perhaps until you did she didn't quite dare. If you still went round there a lot despite having your own flat, she may have thought you still needed her, from what you say she mentioned this. But your not inviting her for the Graduation ceremony may have shown her that it was possible. To completely cut off.
I think it's a bit like a longterm hostage situation, and it takes a lot of getting over, for both sides, even if not suffering from Stockholm Syndrome ( thinking that you love your kidnapper, and vice-versa!).

Good Luck!

PS: you mention your fathers self-esteem issues; have for quite a while now understood that one of the reasons why the father of my son was ready and willing to have child with me, and financially carry a non-working woman, was his desperate need for a female companion, for reassurance/affirmation as a "man". If he had not had such a need i do not think he would have had a child with me. People with healthier self esteems would probably have known better!

Last edited by ouinon on 28 Dec 2007, 5:44 am, edited 2 times in total.

I agree completely - and I would also deny her access to her grand children. No presents to them from her either. What she deserves is to be alone.

Unless you two have some actual dealings with Siuan and her family, I think your comments are overly harsh and without backing.

I'm sorry for Siuan's hard times with her family... it seems there are many people here on WP with similarly painful histories with their families.
Still, I would never go so far as to tell anyone here that they should never talk to a family member again... ESPECIALLY when I have no personal experience with any of them.

Siuan, I am sorry to hear about your family life.
What I wish for you and your family is that each person finds the best relationship possible with each other.
You may never truly understand why your mother does or did what she has.
I do hope that you can find some peace in whatever relationship you continue to have with her.
Someday she'll die, and most likely before you do.
I hope that if/when that day comes, you do not live with regrets over your relationship with her... or at least not the sort of regrets that bother you for the rest of your life.

I have mentioned elsewhere here on WP that my father and I have finally come to terms concerning our relationship.
He actually helped by telling me straight out that he could never be the kind of father I was looking for.

This Christmas, I barely got cards sent to most everyone.
I didn't want to call anyone from my family because of the emotional stress it puts me under dealing with all the strife I hear from their lives. It never ends. The bickering and petty squabbles never end either.
I have had to learn to adjust my desires of what type of family I wanted and what type of family reality would present me.
At 47 years old, it sucks to know that I will never have that normal family I longed for.
It sucks that anytime I talk to family members I have to hear about the latest argument, or the latest gossip about who's doing what. I'm sick to death of hearing the adults blame the children for all the troubles.

All I hope for now is to have peace of mind when another member of my family passes on.
Peace of mind in knowing that I loved my family always, and though I just can't understand them sometimes, I have tried to maintain a connection with each of them that is as healthy a relationship as I can conjure up... and can afford emotionally.

I do wish the same for you.

My brother is a monster. Both of my parents died about five years ago. He was bad before and worse after. Unimaginable.

I remember the saying in the Bible about "how many times are we to forgive our brother?" I knew it wasnt literal but it meant we should forgive anyone endlessly.

But the truth I realized with my family gone it there was no connection between the two of us. I admitted that if he had not been my brother I would never have gotten to know him at all.

So if you can afford to (family obligations) ask yourself when you're inan abusive family relationship if you would really want to know this person if they were not related to you.

I have not spoken to my brother in 4 years. I am very bitter. I hate him alone out of all my life. Used to be I not only wanted him dead I wanted to be the one who did it.

I do not plan to ever hear from him again.

Well, not inviting her was a crucial step you decided to take. You probably imagined it could mean a breakup.

Wow, that sucks big-time . I hate the politics constantly swirling around much of my family, but this is far worse.

Good luck for whatever you choose for the future, Siuan.

I believe if contact with another person or persons is only causing you grief and pain, the best thing is to make a clean break.

I agree with others, that it's time to sever all ties with your acidic mother until such time as she's actually able to see her problems and correct them. (Don't hold your breath.)

If you've got the guts to do it - she deserves an explanation as to why you're "divorcing" her - a letter might be good... less chance of an angry rebuttal interrupting you.


I've been down the same road as you, and forgiveness is very, very difficult. I'm still working on it....