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earthmom
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08 Feb 2008, 3:32 pm

I look around for other Aspies who are more like me but everyone is so blended and complex. I guess that's just human nature beyond syndromes or anything.

I related with Isabelle in Mozart and the Whale. But only to a point.

I love this site (WP) - it has helped me work through so many issues with myself and with my 2 Aspie sons.

On another thread I see people lamenting that they nearly flunked out of school, but I was an honor student (and my friends hated me because I didn't study much). I try to keep to myself and avoid people, but when I am out with people I am very bubbly, overly friendly, overly talkative, and seem to be in love with everybody I speak with - that's the No Boundaries problem. And the nerves and insecurity about interacting with people. My father was bigger than life with people, the loudest and most charismatic person in the room and I learned alot from him on how to fake it. So I can put on great. I can't remember people (face blindness) and I fake through that by acting like everyone is my best friend, even if they're strangers.

Faking it is incredibly exhausting in a huge way. I can't keep it up and my force field must drop or I get physically ill. And for that reason I can't maintain a friendship with anyone. They 'fall in love' with me seeing that bubbly, outgoing side and then want to see me again or invite me someplace or meet up later and I have to push them away. I have to go home and get back to my hermit life where I can function. No one understands that.

I've heard people say all of my life "You have to go" and I'm freaking out just thinking about the thing that's coming up. I say "No, I hate people - I hate being around all of them" and they always say "But you're so good at it!" they buy into the panic stricken outgoing personna and they always want MORE. Since it's not really me there is no more. I was just trying to get through the event.

Does anyone else understand that?

Isabelle had problems with being promiscuous - I did early in life - and with blurting out just anything (which I still have). All boundary problems.

In sharp contrast there are Aspies who say they rarely speak, people think they're weird because they don't interact, etc. It seems like opposite sides of this spectrum and it's hard to put one Shy, Reserved Aspie alongside one Too-Outgoing At Times Aspie and say these two people share the same disorder.

Unfortunately this means there will be more and more and more dissections of us in the future - with each trait getting a label and every nuance of our personalities getting categorized.

I get confused when I read about people who are Aspie and they're nothing at all like me.

What I love dearly about Wrong Planet is that, on the flipside, I have read about people who share exactly my smallest, weirdest quirks. THOSE things are priceless and make me feel like I do fit in, I do belong, someone else does understand, and I'm not a total freak.

I guess the answer is that in the face of all our big differences we need to keep looking for the common bond and focus on helping each other because of the ways we are similar.



CockneyRebel
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08 Feb 2008, 3:42 pm

I tent to be the type who's too out-going at times.


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earthmom
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08 Feb 2008, 3:48 pm

And does it get you in trouble?

Do you put on like that and then people want to talk with you later but you're very reserved or don't want to be bothered?

Do people think you're in love with them because you focused so much attention on them when you were being outgoing?



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08 Feb 2008, 4:01 pm

I’m the quiet, reserved type most of the time. I can appear moderately outgoing at times when it’s just one or two people I’m interacting with in a structured setting (like working as waitress, or dealing with clients in an insurance office). Yes, I have had the problem of people thinking I’ve fallen in love with them. I think it’s because of the intensity of the attention I have to pay in order to figure out what is going on and what might happen next. People are flattered to be the object of intense attention. They don’t understand that we have to bring the same kind of focus on everyone.

I wonder if we aren’t more alike than would first appear. It’s like we were issued scripts. Mine is just a couple of pages long. Yours has many more pages. That bubbly outgoing charade of yours is just a larger, more complex script that you have learned because your father was so social and outgoing, and you observed him throughout your childhood. You learned a set of behaviors from him, but once you get to the end of the script, that’s it. Then it’s time to go home.



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08 Feb 2008, 4:10 pm

Wow! Someone just like me! [Although I'm a boy aspie]. I LOVE people! I love going to parties, gigs and just hanging out with people... I also have quite bad prosopagnosia. I had girlfriends from a v.early age. I'm a terrible flirt [Just like my dad] and it gets me in all sorts of trouble... But then I get burnt out and have to spend a lot of time on my own. And yet in other circumstances I have crippling social anxiety... I'm complicated and I don't understand me at all...


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earthmom
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08 Feb 2008, 4:17 pm

Bea wrote:
I’m the quiet, reserved type most of the time. I can appear moderately outgoing at times when it’s just one or two people I’m interacting with in a structured setting (like working as waitress, or dealing with clients in an insurance office). Yes, I have had the problem of people thinking I’ve fallen in love with them. I think it’s because of the intensity of the attention I have to pay in order to figure out what is going on and what might happen next. People are flattered to be the object of intense attention. They don’t understand that we have to bring the same kind of focus on everyone.

I wonder if we aren’t more alike than would first appear. It’s like we were issued scripts. Mine is just a couple of pages long. Yours has many more pages. That bubbly outgoing charade of yours is just a larger, more complex script that you have learned because your father was so social and outgoing, and you observed him throughout your childhood. You learned a set of behaviors from him, but once you get to the end of the script, that’s it. Then it’s time to go home.


Bea you just said something that really helps.

I think it’s because of the intensity of the attention I have to pay in order to figure out what is going on and what might happen next.

That's it.

I have never quite understood why I can't break loose or be more moderated when I'm having a conversation with someone. I get very focused and they love it (especially men) and of course get the wrong idea. But that's it. NTs will listen, converse, maybe scan the room looking for other people they know, eat or drink, etc. Do several things all on a sort of auto pilot. I don't because I am trying to figure out what this person is saying, what do they really mean, trying to get the jokes or understand the meanings, and trying (hard) not to say or do something stupid. That takes a LOT of concentration!



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08 Feb 2008, 4:34 pm

people do come in a lot of flavors, don't they. :wink:



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08 Feb 2008, 4:40 pm

earthmom wrote:
...but everyone is so blended and complex. I guess that's just human nature beyond syndromes or anything.

Correct.

earthmom wrote:
I was an honor student (and my friends hated me because I didn't study much).

Same here. (Well, my friends never hated me, but others did; got accused of "blowing the curve" a lot.)

earthmom wrote:
I try to keep to myself and avoid people, but when I am out with people I am very bubbly, overly friendly, overly talkative, and seem to be in love with everybody I speak with - that's the No Boundaries problem.

Same here.

earthmom wrote:
I can't remember people (face blindness) and I fake through that by acting like everyone is my best friend, even if they're strangers.

I also have this problem; I'm largely on auto-pilot in social settings.

earthmom wrote:
Faking it is incredibly exhausting in a huge way. I can't keep it up and my force field must drop or I get physically ill.

YES!! ! I burned out and had a nervous breakdown in large part because of the enormous energy cost. Yes, I've been physically ill over it, more than once.

earthmom wrote:
And for that reason I can't maintain a friendship with anyone. They 'fall in love' with me seeing that bubbly, outgoing side and then want to see me again or invite me someplace or meet up later and I have to push them away. I have to go home and get back to my hermit life where I can function. No one understands that.

People who are my friends need to endure long, long periods of being ignored by me. The very good friends understand that this is me, not them. The supergood friends don't sweat it. But such people are rare.

earthmom wrote:
I've heard people say all of my life "You have to go" and I'm freaking out just thinking about the thing that's coming up. I say "No, I hate people - I hate being around all of them" and they always say "But you're so good at it!" they buy into the panic stricken outgoing persona and they always want MORE.

I fool people like this. I have been mistaken for being a "the life of the party" guy, because on occasion I have done so; but in general it is painful, and I hate it. And, yes, I've had to put up with people who don't get me trying to strong-arm me into going out. I do not believe most of them can understand the stress they are inflicting upon people like you and me.

earthmom wrote:
Since it's not really me there is no more. I was just trying to get through the event.

I have a lot of trouble trying to figure out who the real me is, if there actually is one. Too many personas, too many facades, too many acts; it is cumulatively damaging to people like us, I believe; I've spoken with others who have this same problem of having lost themselves in the act. Many of them are here, in this place.

earthmom wrote:
...and I'm not a total freak.

I'm a proud total freak. :wink:

earthmom wrote:
Does anyone else understand that?

You sound very kindred to me, earthmom.

Good fortune,

- Icarus is through not being Icarus (whoever Icarus is)...


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08 Feb 2008, 5:28 pm

Variety is the spice of life topic

Autism is definitely a syndrome, and degrees of differences in abilities exist along the spectrum. I never met social Aspies before. Maybe I can learn something in this area.

I hope to work on the facial recognition thing, as I often mistake one person for another.


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08 Feb 2008, 6:11 pm

Yes! I am a great actor, but the play cannot run too long.

I can run the social machine, but it is a lot of work, still, a lot better than leting the machine run me.

Performance takes its toll. I still cannot remember faces.

I do best coming out of a long period in my cave, dealing with a room full of strangers, for less than an hour.

Then I may need a week to recover. I can do other things, but nothing social, like speaking, making eye contact.

It is very much a play in three acts, and an exit.

Perhaps plays are that long due to the abilities of actors?

A useful skill, we have peak talents, and it is an hour that wins battles, takes an audience into another reality, and spreads education, another under an hour act.

More reason for us to self define around our talents, instead of letting outsiders define us around our defects.

We are Great! Sometimes.



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08 Feb 2008, 7:15 pm

i might have severe aspergers, i dont really know if AS is effected by IQ (mines 86) but or its an entity all in its self or the Executive disfunction is teh one thats bringing the ship down


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08 Feb 2008, 8:29 pm

earthmom wrote:
I was an honor student (and my friends hated me because I didn't study much).

I DID get accused of shifting the grading curve when I was younger, and NEVER studied. Of course, my friends asked for help, and I gave it freely. I DID seem to have more friends when I was very young. I always thought it was because I lived in a community of sorts, and actually saw the same kids for like 3 years in school! It turns out that, even then, the school was concerned about me socially. Anyway, it turns out that isn't really unusual for autistic kids, or ones with AS. Between about 6 and 8 the dynamics just change. Outside of when I was young, I was only on the honor roll when I was told I had to be there to get out of a certain highschool. Still, I showed I could be there.

earthmom wrote:
I try to keep to myself and avoid people, but when I am out with people I am very bubbly, overly friendly, overly talkative, and seem to be in love with everybody I speak with - that's the No Boundaries problem.


I TRY to act all friendly. Just today I smiled, said hi to a person, and shook her hand. She wasn't great with her job, forced out by many others, looks like a bum, and I HATE shaking hands ANYWAY! And she had a LOUSY handshake, like a damp limp fish! Still, if I told everyone what I thought of them, I would REALLY have problems. I waited a couple minutes, and washed my hands.

earthmom wrote:
I can't remember people (face blindness) and I fake through that by acting like everyone is my best friend, even if they're strangers.


Same here!

earthmom wrote:
Faking it is incredibly exhausting in a huge way. I can't keep it up and my force field must drop or I get physically ill.


Tell me about it! I HATE lying, even little "white lies".

earthmom wrote:
And for that reason I can't maintain a friendship with anyone. They 'fall in love' with me seeing that bubbly, outgoing side and then want to see me again or invite me someplace or meet up later and I have to push them away. I have to go home and get back to my hermit life where I can function. No one understands that.


Same here! Just today, I thought about "the net" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113957/plotsummary I am a lot like Angela Bennett in that. I tend to stay at home, work hard, and not do much else.

earthmom wrote:
I've heard people say all of my life "You have to go" and I'm freaking out just thinking about the thing that's coming up. I say "No, I hate people - I hate being around all of them" and they always say "But you're so good at it!" they buy into the panic stricken outgoing persona and they always want MORE.


YEP, I am the SAME way! People even tried to force me to approach women I didn't like. I mean COME ON! I have a hard enough problem with pretty women I respect. I wouldn't see a point in going after someone I didn't like or respect.

earthmom wrote:
...and I'm not a total freak.


If it is me, I don't care if I am considered a freak.

earthmom wrote:
Does anyone else understand that?


I certainly do.