feeling like a failure, even though you're smarter than most

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orangered, you are absolutely right -- you could be the best, the greatest at something, but that still doesn't mean you are confident.

I guess what I hope for is that someday my son will feel comfortable and happy in his own skin, being exactly who he is.

I also wish that for the people who are on this forum. I remember the first time I read the forum, and I was just completely enthralled by the posts -- especially the ones about topics such as politics, etc. Everybody was so funny, and so creatively funny. It just made me think that NT's are, quite frankly, boring as heck.

Kris

IMO the best predictor of how successful somebody is not intelligence, skill, or merit, it's one's connections. It's not what you know but who you know that matters. A fool can get an important job, like being the head of FEMA, just because of the connections he or she has. In the NT world filling a position with a buddy is more important then filling a position with someone who would do good job.

See my post here, about school and self confidence and such: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt56924.html

I don't know, but I've had classes that I thought I was failing yet somehow pulled out an A. Partly because in college finals are worth so much (like 50% of the grade) that if I'm feeling bad about a class I can study extra and do better, but also partly because a lot of the time I was never really failing in the first place and probably had more like a B, B+ or even A- at the time.

I recommend giving more concrete examples of things you like about your child than of things that need improvement. As a child, I was unconvinced by statements like, "You're very smart." Statements like, "You have the worst handwriting in your class," came across as more sincere. I wish my parents had said, "You have the worst handwriting in your class, but we know you can change this because you draw better than most adults and all your teachers agree that you learn at a faster rate than most children your age."

I have four college degrees, an Associate's, Bachelor's and Master's in English, and an Associate of Occupational Sciences Degree in Legal Office Systems. I do well at my job at the library. I work part time and am seeking full time employment. The only thing that makes me feel like a failure is not being able to get my license due to nervousness during the behind the wheel test. My practical driving skills are good.

I take that as a sincere compliment!

"write down homework
remember to do homework
remember when tests are
remember specifics of special projects"

Depending on how old your kids are this should not be a problem if it becomes routine for them. Its not going to happen from one day to another but once the routine is set up its there forever. I bet you those girls do remember to write down and remember stuff that interests them! So the memory is there, it is just the AS problem that we tend to ignore/forget what doesn't really interest us.

"work on social skills
AND act confident"

these are the tough ones. The social skills I can only say that if they are young, GET them out of the house and interacting with others all the time. Allowing them to stay isolated indoors because thats where they feel comfortable only aggravates the problem (this comes from personal experience). Sports or arts or whatever interests them that makes them interact with other kids will do the trick.

.. and the confidence part is perhaps the hardest one. Social confidence is the biggest issue and that I would say can only be addressed when young by working on those social skills. self-image and confidence are all based on how you think that others perceive you as you grow up.

Aside from the social confidence i'd also suggest teaching them skills to make them independent FASTER than normal kids. Their AS will likely help them learn faster anyways.. skills like cooking, outdoor survival, driving, managing their own money, repairing things (computers, stuff around the house) and playing an instrument (that they can play for their friends.. piano/violin may be nice but those are instruments that isolate the kid.. a guitar or flute, which can be played in a social gathering is much better)and many other things that will make them look more grown up skill-wise than their peers.

Oh yes. Executive dysfunction can do that to you. It can also create a terrorising anxiety because many things have to be constantly have to be relearned, and anxiety is related to being 'ungrounded' with the facts.

I think there is a distinction between self image and self confidence. Self image wise it is almost too good. It puts a really unrealistic expectation on myself and that compounds the self confidence.

Instilling the idea that he is a little Einstein may actually do more damage than good, though positive reenforcement in general is normally a good idea. Also you have to accept some limitations. I never do but that because I'm a stubborn fool. Rather than focusing what he can't do encourage him to pursue things he can do and enjoys.

While there is *temporary* treatments for attention, there is no cure for executive dysfunction. believe my I found that out the hard way by poisoning myself. Even list taking requires some executive. So it depends on how bad the executive dysfunction (if he even has clinical ED in the first place) as to whether that will be effective.

Self confidence, self esteem, rewarding career, rewarding love life, friends, family.
What a roller coaster my life is. If one or more of these areas are up, the others are down. I never have been able to get them all to be stable for long, and very rarely had most of them up at the same time. I manage to have a decent life because I am grateful for what I have, even when I am moaning about what I don't.

The things that worked for me when I was a child was:

Interest, support & recognition.

Without Interest, he probably won't want to be involved, and things that are compulsory in school will probably be underachieved, because it will feel mundane and useless to him. He will show an ability to do the work, but won't want to do it, once he has realised that he can, if that makes sense. What he may need to do, or what you may need to show him, is what is interesting about the work he needs to do. Once he is interested he will pick up considerably.

Interests can usually continue successfully without support and recognition (as it is driven by his own self-interest and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of it), however considering schoolwork is goal orientated (SHOWING an understanding of the topic, and COMPLETING an assessment to show this) he will need flexibility, and loads of support and recognition to maintain focus.

I lost a lot of support and recognition during primary school, and early high school so just didn't care. I would do the work to the point that showed I knew how to do it, and wouldn't work past that. I only did it because I had to. They didn't care about my projects on planes and trains that were monstrous in their capacity, so it just wasn't worth it pleasing them anymore.

Just by showing that you care, you've done A LOT
Thumbs up man!

I think it's really important to remember that even though your son may appear to other people to not have his stuff "together", that it does not mean he should not be confident about himself or that he's broken or wrong.

All my teachers in school knew I was intelligent but assumed I was lazy or just trying to be "bad" because I NEVER EVER did homework and sometimes turned in tests blank. The fact was that it was a whole crappy combination of things even I didn't fully understand that kept me from "fulfilling my potential" in a way that is societally normal.

Rather than focusing on instilling some kind of empty concept of confidence in him, constantly remind him that it's OKAY to forget things, okay to be absent minded, and that you're there to help him in that area and that it's not a burden for you to do so. What keeps me from feeling confident is the rat race. The constant pressure from everyone around you making you feel like you have to meet certain standards in order to be successful. What people need to realize is that meeting these standards does not guarantee happiness. Confidence in WHO YOU ARE is what brings happiness.

I'd kill to have had more people in my adolescence who were accepting of my "problems" rather than always trying to find a way to change them, or make me feel like it wasn't normal or I could "help" it or whatever.

Confidence for an aspie, I think, is about accepting your differences, however different they may be. If you know that your child truly cannot help being a certain way at this point in his life, then let him know that you understand that. Ask him if he wants to change it, maybe. If he does, then help him. If he doesn't, accept it.

That's the best I can give you. I'm a mom myself, and though my son's just a tot right now I've done tons and tons of thinking about how I will handle anything and everything with him. My thoughts come from personal experience. I have very vivid memories of being misunderstood since my earliest memories, and it still hurts 'til this day. So the biggest piece of advice I can give you is to just listen to your kid and try your best to understand what he wants out of life, what he wants out of himself. You can help him achieve these things, and through that, maybe you can help him develop confidence.

I never had to be reminded to do my homework. I think, if anything, I was way too obsessed with organization, schedules and making sure everything was right. I did well in school, but not so well with other aspects of my life.

I FEEL like i have life figured out better than most people - I don't change myself for others, I'm not mean, phony, or embroiled in drama all the time. I know more than most people.....but I know I probably wont' be as successful as them. My sister is the popular, blonde, not very bright kind of girl, and I used to hold my academic success as a barrier against her popularity -but she may very well do better than I will. I just fall apart over small tasks because I get mental blocks when worried about doing something right and start doing everything wrong, so I feel I'll never have a job at my ability level - it takes me too long to feel comfortable enough to start showing competence. I have little desire for romantic relationships and I can't imagine actually being one, so I feel like I'll never have a family. I have little desire or ability to maintain friendships, so there goes a social life. My dad was very successful at his job and I perform better academically than he ever did so he has such high hopes for me - and I know I'll disappoint him. My mom doesn't care too much about my job, but she'd be very disappointed if I don't have a family, and she values appearance a lot so she'll always be frustrated at my apparent lack of interest in looking beautiful all the time (I'm reasonably attractive so I dont feel the need to constantly dress up, straighten my hair, or wear makeup like she expects) or in pursuing friends or being outgoing. She acknowledges that I'm on the spectrum, but her response is just to try harder and force myself to be friendly and sociablewhen I don't desire it. I feel liek all my friends who are the hard partiers and irresponsible ones now will outperform me because they are so successful socially and in a work setting - I feel like a failure and I'm only 18 with a reasonably successful life so far. But I think it's going to disintegrate when I'm forced out into the real world after college.

ETA: What helped me in some ways were parents who didn't take excuses and made me overcome a lot of fears/weaknesses. But it means a lot to me to have my parents accept that different things make me happy than other people. I'm sick of being told i'll have fun if I go in and party when I know I wont, and that Im a computer addict because that's what I enjoy (while still doing well at workschool.) Encourage your son to be successful academically and socially, but don't get mad that he doesnt want to do certain things because it makes YOU Feel better to have him feel more normal.

Last edited by quirky on 21 Feb 2008, 10:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

as we say down here; 'oh hayul yeah'...

I always felt a failure around my father, he seemed to want perfection, and quickly, too. I got into all sorts of destructive behavious (you have 4 seconds to get it right, or just give up, etc).

I regret that they never diagnosed me at that age (I had to figure it out in my late 40s), I don't know if it would have made a difference or not. Actually, they don't even know.

I'm glad to see a parent taking an interest, and providing support and sympathy, for your child. Bless ya...you're probably saving years off the analyst's couch...

i understand this feeling like a failure point. i do feel like a failure sometimes even if i have done well at something.