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Ahaseurus2000
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01 Mar 2008, 11:13 pm

Please share how Autism / Asperger's Syndrome has affected your sense of identity, your self-meaning or life-purpose.

The events and experiences of our life have a profound effect on our thinking of what makes us "us". Asperger's Syndrome can have a significant influence on our life experiences and therefore our sense of self.


Personally, I've come to have a semi-transient sense of self, that the "Ahaseurus2000" here today is not the "Ahaseurus2000" that was here yesterday, or will be around tomorrow. Yet I am still "I". Also my difficulties with socializing and emotions, have encouraged me to study such phenomena, and so I have learned a lot about how these work. I can watch individuals and work out parts of their social- and emotional- programming, giving me a greater sense of knowing the Human condition. Finally I have much appreciation of the diversity in human nature and culture.

I feel like it is part of my role on this earth to love said diversity, and to share my understanding of Human nature with others.


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richardbenson
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01 Mar 2008, 11:18 pm

meh i dont really think about it, if i was going to have a lifes purpose i'd theme it around fireagates

and protecting the fireagates :)


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jawbrodt
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01 Mar 2008, 11:37 pm

It sounds like you finally reached that point, where everything starts to make sense. I had reached that point, a couple months ago, and it chanced my life as well. I have been a much happier person ever since. For now, I'll leave it at that. :)


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02 Mar 2008, 12:27 am

It's explained a long of heretofore unexplainable things...



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02 Mar 2008, 1:26 am

Until I found out I had Asperger's Syndrome, I had tried to be like my peers no matter how different I knew I was. After failing many times, I had given up on it and then feel into a deep depression. At that time, I sought psychological help and it was then I found out I had AS. It explained everything about my life: not fitting in, above average intelligence, unusual habits, etc. The more I learned, the more I began to realize I was an individual which led to a massive boost to my self esteem (though therapy played a part too). Now, because I freed myself from the shackles of conforming to my peers and soared on the wings of my individuality, I am happier than I've ever been and I can feel proud of being different.


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MissConstrue
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02 Mar 2008, 1:27 am

I don't want to sound a little negative as I too love diversity. However, for me it can be very hard to have a self identity. In this culture granted there is diversity, social skills seem to be so important. There's good and bad in them. Many ppl I've come across in my job and schools, don't understand what it's like to have AS or don't know what it is. At my job it's hard. A day ago, for example, I overheard some girls assume some stuff about me. Now I know it's normal for many ppl to go through this, but there were 2 conversations that I really took offense to since they didn't really know me very well. One was, "I think she's probably got retardation." The 2nd girl jokingly said, "I really wouldn't mess with her, she's probably got some psychotic dissorder." It's probably easy to assume anything to someone who hardly socializes. I even had one lady actually tell me, "You know it'd be nice if you stopped acting so cold to these customers. I really didn't know what she meant by that. Should I've been more friendly. If so, why was putting on a smile not friendly. So, I've always had conflict with "the real world" and "the real ppl." I can't describe the pain to feel one way on the inside and be percieved another way on the outside. I done some reading on AS thinking there were ways to cure some of these problems. Except, it made me feel worse. The authors called it a disorder. One book I read said that AS is an incurable disability. I additionally read that there were ways in which to better some social skills. It mainly pertained to AS children. It also said something like you need to teach them the acceptable ways in which to socialize. I can understand part of that, for example don't pick your nose in public, don't throw tantrums in public, and give some eye contact to ppl who are talking to you. Pretty obvious, but what are the social norms? This made me feel more reclusive verbally. I've gotten a little less afraid of that now. However, I've had my shares of being treated differently then to that of a "normal" person, or "outgoing" person. This however can depend on the circumstances I'm in. On another note, yeah I have explored many interests. I paint and draw because I love it, and it helps me to get what I'm creating or feeling onto the canvas. On another negative note, I often times feel like there's a part of me that's missing. The self identity is hard for me to understand. It makes me feel caught between 2 worlds. Those would be my job and my life. I love to help ppl and they appreciate that but I can't seem to please the ppl I work with espeacially my peers. I know no one can please everyone. But it's like looking at life outside from the inside of a bubble. The impression of being left out .

Sorry I guess my story came out too long. For a positive note, this site has helped me feel a little better about my self. It actually supports ppl with AS or on that spectrum. It also helps me understand it better by real ppl instead of doctors or authors who've only studied it. Not that I'm against authors who don't have it. There very good authors out there.



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02 Mar 2008, 1:47 am

I was diagnosed as a teenager and before it I was having a hard time trying to figure out "who I was", which is something I guess most if not all adolescents have trouble with. When I got diagnosed I first felt that all the people who treated me badly were right all along and that there was something "wrong" with me after all. So it depressed me at first but I was able to sort of come into my own a bit in my older teenage years and I didn't feel like Aspergers Syndrome defined me, and I felt that maybe people my own age could like me. I never did feel I could truly relate to the few people I met in person with AS irl, or anyone for that matter. It is still hard for me to shake feelings of inadequacy but those are more for personal failings that are compounded by AS more so than being caused by it. This site has helped me allot by showing me that there are people who have had similar experiences to me, and that there are people with AS who have overcome far greater problems than I have faced.



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02 Mar 2008, 3:33 am

I see my AS as something that makes me unique. I have a mind of my own, and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm also not a trend follower. I march to the beat of my own drum. I'm also a pretty good artist. My speech is unusual, which is a good thing. I've spoken with an accent, since I was speaking full sentences, at three and a half. I collect things that appear to be toys, to most people. Things such as stuffed animals, and model Routemasters. That's a good thing, though I've got to stop, because I'm running out of room to put them all. I also like the 1970s, which is a good thing, because I was born in that decade. Most people my age, only like what they see in front of them, and they're not in touch, with their roots. I'm currently looking for a job. This is a good thing that I'm doing, for myself because, I'm telling myself, that I'm not handicapped. I'd be contempt to be pushing a mop, four hours, a day. That's a good thing, because that way, I have three times as many doors open to me, as most people do. The line of work that has the biggest future, is Janitorial. Most people think it's sad, but I think it's wonderful. I do admit, that I can only cook simple meals. That's a good thing. I get all of my produce during the day, and my pastas, and stir-fries, at five. I'm not spending three hours a day, in that little space, that's supposed to be my kitchen, like the fancy cooks, who like to cook recipes, though I do admire those people.


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Ahaseurus2000
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04 Mar 2008, 2:08 am

MissConstrue wrote:
I don't want to sound a little negative as I too love diversity. However, for me it can be very hard to have a self identity. In this culture granted there is diversity, social skills seem to be so important. There's good and bad in them. Many ppl I've come across in my job and schools, don't understand what it's like to have AS or don't know what it is. At my job it's hard. A day ago, for example, I overheard some girls assume some stuff about me. Now I know it's normal for many ppl to go through this, but there were 2 conversations that I really took offense to since they didn't really know me very well. One was, "I think she's probably got retardation." The 2nd girl jokingly said, "I really wouldn't mess with her, she's probably got some psychotic dissorder." It's probably easy to assume anything to someone who hardly socializes. I even had one lady actually tell me, "You know it'd be nice if you stopped acting so cold to these customers. I really didn't know what she meant by that. Should I've been more friendly. If so, why was putting on a smile not friendly. So, I've always had conflict with "the real world" and "the real ppl." I can't describe the pain to feel one way on the inside and be percieved another way on the outside. I done some reading on AS thinking there were ways to cure some of these problems. Except, it made me feel worse. The authors called it a disorder. One book I read said that AS is an incurable disability. I additionally read that there were ways in which to better some social skills. It mainly pertained to AS children. It also said something like you need to teach them the acceptable ways in which to socialize. I can understand part of that, for example don't pick your nose in public, don't throw tantrums in public, and give some eye contact to ppl who are talking to you. Pretty obvious, but what are the social norms? This made me feel more reclusive verbally. I've gotten a little less afraid of that now. However, I've had my shares of being treated differently then to that of a "normal" person, or "outgoing" person. This however can depend on the circumstances I'm in. On another note, yeah I have explored many interests. I paint and draw because I love it, and it helps me to get what I'm creating or feeling onto the canvas. On another negative note, I often times feel like there's a part of me that's missing. The self identity is hard for me to understand. It makes me feel caught between 2 worlds. Those would be my job and my life. I love to help ppl and they appreciate that but I can't seem to please the ppl I work with espeacially my peers. I know no one can please everyone. But it's like looking at life outside from the inside of a bubble. The impression of being left out .

Sorry I guess my story came out too long. For a positive note, this site has helped me feel a little better about my self. It actually supports ppl with AS or on that spectrum. It also helps me understand it better by real ppl instead of doctors or authors who've only studied it. Not that I'm against authors who don't have it. There very good authors out there.


Thank you for sharing! And an equally long answer:

The 2 girls conversing felt insecure around you, and instead of behaving like grownups they chose to gossip like kids, to relieve their insecurity and make themselves feel superior to you. If something like that happens again, go over to the offending party immediately, and state that their gossip is rude, you will not tolerate it, and not to do it again. If they are the immature girls they sound like, you will possibly make an enemy, but they are less likely to gossip about you as you will appear willing to not let them get away with it.

The woman who thought you cold you could not really win against, the best you could possibly do is get her to question her own statement somehow, though that is hard as people in such a mindset have already come to a conclusion and resist changing it. Beyond that you can only give a minimal acknowledgment, i.e. "O.K." or "Very well" without really heeding what they say. I suspect this woman's sense of humanity is stunted, and she unconsciously considers others to be socially inferior.

These people are neurotic, the former pair relying on childlike behaviour to belittle you and cover their insecurities (retardation of emotional self-control), and the latter person lacking any real sense of humility or genuine caring for her "fellow man" (It's her who is really cold). Neuroticism is a natural flaw in the personalities of NTs and Aspies, usually learned from a neurotic caregiver or through certain events in childhood. It's a form of coping with a problem of social behaviour / personality without actually fixing it, and in the long run only reinforces the person's problem, making it harder to fix. Your reference to "Real world" and "Real People" is very insightful, relative to neuroticism, because in the "Real world" there will be neurotic people, yet Neurotic people are not "Real People", their neuroticism is like a lie.

I think AS is not a disorder, we are not ill, it is simply a variation of human nature, and NTs don't necessarily know how to respond when they meet someone with AS, they know how to respond to other NTs! It is easy for prejudice (another neuroticism) or misinformation to give the wrong idea, especially as NTs take their unconscious mechanisms for granted without knowing it, and so end up baffled when dealing with a person who lacks said mechanisms.

Alot of the "Social Norms" come from NT unconscious thinking, such as fitting in or moving with the herd, and are suited to NTs. As we don't have those unconscious drives or mechanisms, It is better for us to assess social norms (independantly and collectively) in relation to our own needs and wants, and choose which to follow and which to ignore. And if an NT notices and points out that you're not following a particular "Social Norm", you can literally tell them "it's not a part of my culture". In many ways, our adaptations to our AS symptoms and to the world around us are like a "culture of us", so the statement quoted above is accurate.

You say you can't seem to please the people you work with, I would like to know better what you mean by that. do you mean doing your work adequately? keeping other staff happy to avoid conflict? if you mean the latter then I am worried, some staff you can never get along with no matter what you do, again it's neuroticism. We need to learn how to stay standing in conflict, and how to assert ourselves. we only learn this through conflict itself - someone who always avoids it will always hurt during it.

The point about self identity is a hard one. Perhaps you only think you're happy when really you're not. What you're missing may be what you need to be genuinely happy. I can only advise to look deep within yourself and to examine your life and personality. Examining your life will make it more worth living.

Again, Thank you! :D


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04 Mar 2008, 3:00 am

Social_Fantom wrote:
Until I found out I had Asperger's Syndrome, I had tried to be like my peers no matter how different I knew I was. After failing many times, I had given up on it and then feel into a deep depression. At that time, I sought psychological help and it was then I found out I had AS. It explained everything about my life: not fitting in, above average intelligence, unusual habits, etc. The more I learned, the more I began to realize I was an individual which led to a massive boost to my self esteem (though therapy played a part too). Now, because I freed myself from the shackles of conforming to my peers and soared on the wings of my individuality, I am happier than I've ever been and I can feel proud of being different.


Good for you ! !! !! !
I'm afraid I'm not there yet, but give it time.....



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04 Mar 2008, 4:18 am

Quote:
Please share how Autism / Asperger's Syndrome has affected your sense of identity, your self-meaning or life-purpose.


Great questions - I have had a couple of glasses of a good red wine - I can give an answer a go now!

Identity: I am 50, I have spent a lot of those in anger and a lot feeling lost - possibly desperate , since being diagnosed in 2007, I can now at least place my identity relative to humanity.

Self Meaning or Life Purpose: I am not sure I have ever felt a life purpose or any self meaning, as an atheist such concepts are simple if you consider them from an evolutionally perspective and luckily the concept of an omnipotent being and/or pre-destiny is beyond my comprehension. However, now I know where I sit relative to the continuum of humanity’s spectrum, I feel free to act and do whatever I feel like because I am human, I am part of humanity. I can operate within the relative advantages and disadvantages that AS gives me without feeling like an actor, fraud or fake! The diagnosis of AS has given me the power to be me and go forward as I feel fit to do, without the constants of feeling like an outsider.



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04 Mar 2008, 7:45 am

Autism/AS hasn't affected my life's purpose as such, because I'm 35 and I only self-diagnosed just over a year ago. The things I've done I've done without the benefit/shackle of an autistic identity.

Also, the more I think about it the more I prefer to think of myself as being neurologically atypical as opposed to having AS or whatever.

Having said that, now I have this new identity I can see that it has made a lot of decisions for me. I used to think that the unusual circumstances I inhabited caused my difficulties but now I can see my own decisions in light of how autistic people often think and react and understand myself that way. It makes me a more social animal, maybe that's a paradox, but I think it does. Not social in the sense of being chatty but in the sense of relating to people as a person.

Looking back, the things I did in my twenties (i.e. surviving on my own) can't be done but I think a lot of people live through things like that. It's like being a cartoon character that keeps running even when they're off the cliff because they don't look down so they don't realize there's no ground under their feet.

I've always been hypersensitive but being in that extremely vulnerable situation for many years forced my senses to become very finely tuned and that's a skill as useful as any other. A lot of things in life require surfing skills rather than driving skills, as it happens, and as long as I keep breathing, looking and thinking I find my way through them.



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04 Mar 2008, 8:46 am

Ahaseurus2000 wrote:
Please share how Autism / Asperger's Syndrome has affected your sense of identity, your self-meaning or life-purpose.

The events and experiences of our life have a profound effect on our thinking of what makes us "us". Asperger's Syndrome can have a significant influence on our life experiences and therefore our sense of self.


Personally, I've come to have a semi-transient sense of self, that the "Ahaseurus2000" here today is not the "Ahaseurus2000" that was here yesterday, or will be around tomorrow. Yet I am still "I". Also my difficulties with socializing and emotions, have encouraged me to study such phenomena, and so I have learned a lot about how these work. I can watch individuals and work out parts of their social- and emotional- programming, giving me a greater sense of knowing the Human condition. Finally I have much appreciation of the diversity in human nature and culture.

I feel like it is part of my role on this earth to love said diversity, and to share my understanding of Human nature with others.


Identifying the meaning of self topic

Excellent insight, Ahaseurus2000. I like to think of my identity as fluid, changing, emergent, open to new ideas. Having AS reminds me that understanding is as wide as the universe, which is to say, without limits.

Is there a story accompanying your choice of on line name?


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04 Mar 2008, 8:38 pm

A part of me hated myself for being an asperger. It made me feel weak, and naive. As a child, I was raped 8 times and didn't know it. I was angry at myself for not reporting it and never figureing it out. I just figured it out this morning.

I'm always an easy target, for bullying, rape and theft. I'm very easy to take advantage of.

Ever had this problem:

I walked up to these two girls who needed help with their assignment. I offered to assist but they just looked at each other, laughed and walked away.

People say I'm smart, but I'm going to prove them wrong with my 96 I.Q.(My psychoanalyst test) When I beleived them I actually acted like a smart ass, acting like a know-it-all just for the sake of attention. When people cheat off my answers off a test. I feel useful. when i act like a know-it-all, people look at me as stuck up. I didn't know was being as such. When I found out that my behavior pointed to the disorder, I went to bed and cried my eyes out. Calling myself names, like "freak" "ret*d" "dummy" I even planned my suicide, but never acted on it. I heard of a cure and I really wanted this cure, even if I risk losing my own life..(right now I'm not sure.)

You want to say something to the other students but it feels like that no one ever listens to you.

I tried reading books on how to make friends, but they proved useless, I feel like I did something wrong. Maybe I did. I did all the thing the other kids did to get attention, silly things. If someone ran naked across the school football field, I'd do the same thing. If kids are picking on the fat kid, i'd do the same, but I never picked on anyone before.

Every day, I walk around campus looking at the floor, hating myself and the whole world. I wanted something bad to happen like a school shooting, or a plane crash. I looked back and asked myself why I never died of lead poison.

It's very hard to grow up and suck it up. You guys seemed to like being an AS, but I just wondered why.

I know you don't want to hear me but this is the truth. Now I'm going to bed and I'm going to cry my eyes out again.



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04 Mar 2008, 9:25 pm

Discovering this at sixty confirmed what I had come to think, humans are dumb.

Because of AS, my life has been twice as long, for I did not waste it on small talk and watching TV.

I have been told I should care, by people who do not care, only seek involvement to manipulate.

The Con Man needs the confidence of the mark, without that he is nothing but a fraud. I call them on it.

I am one of a kind, and the last thing I want to be is like anyone else.

The only person I can please, and the only person it means anything to, is Me.

Life is every man for himself.



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04 Mar 2008, 9:28 pm

Learning about it has helped me to accept myself in a big way. Also I came to the realization that some of my "quirks" are not just me, but other people shared them as well. It's a neat thing coming across people of your own species.


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