I recognised recently that the events I get which I call shutdowns should be meltdowns, but I had previously recognised that when I was very young I used to have frustration type tempers... And two things happened which turned things inward. One is that at home my Dad (Who could suddenly go into a temper but it was due to his upbringing where he had fits as a child, and the doctor told his parents to go easy with him and they took it literally and never disciplined him)... My Dad was keen to discipline me as he loved me and didn't want me to end up with tempers. Also when I was 5 years old, for the whole year I was severly punished and disciplined where if I spoke I would be told off, as the teacher had had a dissagreement with my Mum and she took it out on me. Most of the year I was put in a room on my own, but when the teacher realized this... (And also I accidently broke a glass jar) She had me back in the class but I had to stand in the corner for the day and not say a word or I would be smacked etc...
So these two aspects turned any possible meltdown situations inward and from then on I was having shutdowns.
When I get them I have a build up of stress and oressure, but instead of it coming into an outward form, it is all bottled up inside and turns into a shutdown. I cojld never describe my inner feelings so I found that I was never able to describe them to doctors. I couldn't work myself out so how could I share my thoughts and feelings?
If anything, this site has been the most amazing therapy for me in that I have started to explore my inner most being... My thoughts and feelings... I have never done this before. I believe there maybe lots more to go, so please have patience with me and understand that there is a lot more going on then just writing posts.
But to conclude, I am learning a lot about myself and have come forward in leaps and bounds. I never would have thought I am where I am now, and I am making sense of things.
_________________
.